Let Me Hear Your Body Talk (Mine Says "Ow")

First the bad news: Once again Nintendo has failed to reliably stock its products in an amount even vaguely on par with demand. Now the good: This time I didn't have to personally commit to sleeping on the sidewalk or breaking and entering since I can just mooch off of my boyfriend's Wii Fit. I love relationships!

I was originally a little apprehensive about using the Fit primarily because I feared that the device would announce my weight each time I stepped on it (likely in a mocking tone while someone makes pig snort noises and/or moos in the background) and my weight is something I am only prepared to acknowledge once a week on Friday morning after a night of no liquids and a morning of peeing as much as I can. This is how I avoid going crazy over the theoretically insignificant fluctuations of a pound or two which might otherwise cause me to curl up into a little ball to watch an infinite loop of my imagined future 300lb self creating shock waves as she wobbles down the sidewalk. Luckily, the system allows you to easily skip the little step where you get weighed and have to spend years in therapy. Hallelujah.

Early on in the Wii Fit registration process (after cringing at your BMI but before you shed even one measly calorie) the game lets you pick a trainer. Your only choices are "girl trainer" or "boy trainer" which I thought would be highly disappointing -- how could the designers at Nintendo hope to create the dream trainer look for ever girl in the world with just one avatar? By making that avatar look exactly like my Olympics boyfriend Ryan Lochte, that's how! There is evidence that Ryan may be a bit of a douche (what is it with these swimmer dudes?) but as a trainer he's perfect. He constantly tells me how great my balance is, looks smoking hot (you know, for a digital representation of a hot dude) and encourages me by lying about how impressively strong my abs are. Still, a nice expansion to the standard Wii Ft might be a program that ups the trainer encouragement so that I can hear Ryan tell me over and over again how skinny and irresistible I am (a SUPER nice expansion might be him telling me exactly what he'd like to do with my well toned body...).

Though I'm sure I usually seem like a polite demure young thing I play video games the way my dad watches baseball. I jump off of the couch. I scream. I curse at the screen. Someday I will have kids who find Mommy a little scary when the console is on just as years ago Lil' Brianna felt like Daddy was replaced with an angry beast every time the Dodgers took the field. Save the joy of ogling Ryan it is fair to say that my first date with Wii Fit was a little rocky. It is possible that there was even more yelling than usual. The words "stupid fucking machine" may have been bandied about. My boyfriend, G, may have used the term hissy fit. I am, however, proud to say that I did not cry (G is likely proud to say that he did not laugh out loud at all of my pouting and thus avoided a fat lip/bloody nose/detachable penis). While I was able to stop the machine from announcing my weight to the entire room I could not stop it from picking up on how much I hate being bad at things. And lord was I bad at hitting soccer balls with my head, and running in place, and hula hooping. Especially hula hooping which I failed at despite wearing the national uniform of girls hula hooping on Wii Fit: panties and a tank top. I can only hope G has the self restraint to resist making me one more of the legions of girls swinging their scantily clad hips on youtube.

The Fit is a surprisingly good work out. At first most of the exercises (save the wailing and complaining) seemed unnaturally obsessed with my center of balance. Scoring for yoga, strength training and balance activities were calculated based on my ability to distribute my weight in a way that keeps a red dot in the correct area. The only sport that I can fairly claim even intermediate knowledge of is yoga and I was shocked to find that this method forced me to do the poses more accurately than I would have in a class or if I were to ever get off my lazy ass and do yoga on my own at home.

Due to the possibility that I might throw the wiimote at my boyfriend's head I eventually had to quit my workout in favor of brunch and dress shopping. An afternoon of stress-free bliss far away from obsessing over my center of gravity and Ryan tsk-tsking my uncontrolled attempts at slalom skiing was just what I needed to chill the fuck out and accept that Wii fit is only a game and no matter how often Ryan frowns at my pathetic attempts at athleticism I will not suddenly balloon to a size where TLC will make an hour long documentary about me trying to get out of bed in route to gobble down a 5lb bag of M&Ms (mmmm chocolate-y!). I rushed home to a gin and tonic and the most time devoted to hula hooping outside of 1958. I woke up early the next morning jonesing for some more hula action even though my lats were killing me(look at that! I just used a sporty sounding shortened name for a muscle group! I blame the Fit for that! Soon I'll be flexing in the mirror, willingly eating "goo" and telling everyone about how much I can bench).

Let's momentarily pretend that this real review of the game and not just me pontificating on my nerdy reaction to physical activity so that I might make some suggestions about how Wii Fit could be improved (you know, in addition to the brilliant Trainer Compliment Mode that I recommend above). Firstly, I know this has been mentioned all over the internet but I would really like it if the software included some sort of training routine. Moving from one exercise to another requires a lot of back and forth with the wiimote and the software which unnecessarily interrupts your workout. The need for a mode that walks you through a good 30mins of continuous exercise seems so obvious that I'm shocked that the smart folks down at Nintendo HQ failed to include this in the first release. Barring an update that allows me to work out without the wiimote ever present in my right hand I could use some sort of wiimote holster, in addition to freeing up my hands for balancing, grasping and wiping my brow this would also make a smashing addition to my panties and tank top work out look. A holster always adds that certain spark to an outfit -- I'm shocked we don't see more of them on the red carpet.

Chances of Being Disappointed by a Game of Chance: 99/100

I am not much of a gambler so when more than one person suggested that I fritter away my hard earned blog paycheck on a minuscule chance to win millions you could feel the breeze caused by my eye roll blowing 3000 miles away in Vegas. I could not be talked into letting it all ride on black or twenty one or a full house and no one suggested gambling on a heart attack at night after night of buffets (though I could easily be talked into any activity that involves unlimited access to king crab legs) but when the suggestion to review scratch offs was raised (credit to G -- don't bother going to his blog, he never writes anything) I thought "Hey! those are cheap and available within 200 feet of my front door and they come in shiny shiny colors!" And so I begin a series of posts reviewing lottery scratch offs.

I am really not at all tempted by the lottery. I have purchased probably 5 scratch offs in my life and ALL of them have been Christmas gifts (perfect for secret santas, stocking stuffers and saying "I trust you to share half of this with me if you win."), in fact before Tuesday I think I was almost a scratch off virgin (like anal, scratching off someone else's card is God's secret loophole, all of the fun of putting penny to cardboard with none of the risk of a screaming baby). For my first official chance at throwing hard earned money down the drain (the drain being the NY State School system) I went all out and bought a $5 card -- Even though I have heard of the existence of $10 cards I consider spending $5 on a piece of cardboard and a very unlikely dream of millions (actually, in this case, just million) crazily extravagant and expect that individual school children will be sending me personal thank you notes for my kind donation ("Dear Brianna, Thank you for purchasing a lottery card, our school has used the money to buy graph paper for Math class where they will hopefully do a better job of teaching statistics than your teachers did -- Love Bobby Sue"). The $1,000,000 prize would be paid out in $50,000 increments over 20 years which sounds kind of lame but then i realized that this would be plenty of money to allow me to quit my job and travel around Thailand like a queen for as long as I liked (or until the global economy made $50,000 chump change in all countries everywhere... so... 2025).

This below review of my first scratch off pretty much takes all of the fun out of gambling. I'm like a kid with the flu on the merry go round. A golden shower in the pool. A pooper at a party. Enjoy.

Bedazzled

• Scratch Off Theme: Ripping off Casual Video Games From 2002
• Cost: $5
• Maximum Prize: $1,000,000
• Odds of Winning Max Prize: 1 in 3,175,200.00
• Odds of Winning Minimum Prize:($5, aka even money): 1 in 20
• Level of Fun: (1-10):2
• Winnings: $0

This scratch off is a bit confusing since it implies you'll be revealing gems when you scratch off the silver crayon coating but in reality you mostly reveal a bunch of numbers which (far as I can tell) mean absolutely nothing. If the numbers mean nothing why use them at all? Why not just label all of the nongem spots with "you lose!" or a picture of someone having their house foreclosed on? Unsurprisingly the lottery also does a lot of work to obscure the reality that you will almost for sure not be winning any money from this card. For example, the card says I have 12 chances to win -- I assume this is because there are 12 places to scratch off. I supposed that I *technically* have 12 chances because there is an instant win option if I reveal a $ symbol ($25 1/100 odds) but since the other wins are all combos you actually have more than 12 chances to win, not that it matters, the odds are still crap. Of course I'm likely the only nerd to ever even visit the odds page.

I really wanted this card to incorporate a true game element so that winning didn't feel completely dependent on chance. I expect that, like with slot machines, the law dictates that lottery games be completely chance based but I'd like to see some effort at masking this reality. When I worked on slot machines we employed a whole mess of smoke and mirrors to make it feel like the player was influencing the outcome of the game when in reality the math decided their winnings ages ago. I admit that this is much easier to accomplish when you have a visual display, a computer and the promise that all of your customers will be swimming in free booze but I'd still like to see the lottery try a little harder to fool me. If anyone knows of a well designed scratch off send the name my way -- I'm committed to reviewing roughly $35 worth of these so if some are more promising then others I'd rather at least throw my money away on creativity.

Random Recommends 10

Sharon's Chocolate Sorbet

Usually when i think about sorbet (more often then you might think, certainly more often than is considered normal) I think icy which isn't always a bad thing -- icy limes or pineapples are a fine treat on a hot day (or on a cold day spent in my apartment where the temperature is always set at "2pm on a sunny day in August") but icy doesn't work for every flavor. In particular I usually can't get my tongue wrapped around the concept of icy chocolate but my recent desire to lose 3lbs (yes, I'm a little insane) combined with my constant desire to eat chocolate ice cream lead me to Sharon. This sorbet is almost everything one could hope for in a frozen chocolate snack. It's sweet and earth and smooth and even.. creamy! I attribute this on the inclusion of coconut milk in the ingredients list which also brings a little fat to the table -- but even with this allowance a half cup serving is still only 100 calories of OCD dieting goodness.

Jason Anderson

This guy/band/guy with a band opened for Tilly and the Wall at the Knitting Factory on the 21st. Or, the be more accurate, they/he opened for the opening band for Tilly and the Wall. One of my biggest pet peeves about the indie music scene (after the pretension and the lack of concerts with seating) is the tendency for everyone to get a little overzealous about supporting new bands which forces me to spend upwards of 2 hours standing around impatiently listening to whining/screaming that is not the whining/screaming that I paid $15+ to be listening to and often results in a 8pm concert not letting out until well after midnight which is apparently not supposed to bother me because if I was truly a cool indie music listener I either wouldn't need sleep at all or would not have a job where the man makes me get up before 11am. But back to Jason. I made every effort to be super late for the Tilly and the Wall show so that I would not have to endure 2 openers but in my world "really late" actually means "almost an hour after the doors opened!" and since in the world of rock and roll "on time" means "at least 30 minutes after the posted start time" the first opener was only on their second song when I walked into the venue trying (likely in vain) not to look like the oldest person in the room. Thank God for my crazy obsession with promptness! Jason and the band were adorable. I know that as very serious rock and rollers "adorable" is probably not their goal but there is no other word. Their music is fun and happy and demands a lot of audience participation (I have never "lalala-ed" or "oh yeahed" as much as I did that night) and they have the most excited and cuddly kid playing tenor sax. Writing this I'm now wondering if i should be concerned about my desire to mother the entire band rather than jump their bones. Jason Anderson may be the harbinger of my old age. I still recommend getting down to his songs -- even if you have to do so from the rocking chair.

Hunter Wellingtons

A couple of months ago I noticed a troubling tear in the plastic coating of my Target rainboots. No longer water proof and ready for puddle jumping they had to be replaced. I was half tempted to order a new pair of novelty boots from Target since for $20 one can afford to go through a pair per year without much cause for complaint but then I remembered the stylish, knee high boots that an old coworker once wore on rainy spring days and my quest for a better boot began. I soon found out that I would have to really embrace my new Richie status if I was going to keep my feet dry in a pair of Hunters as the boots cost $98. Thus ensued a personal struggle of Hamlet-esque proportions. Was I really willing to spend ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS on rain boots? When I didn't yet own a house? When the media won't shut up about how bad the economy sucks and just how soon I'm likely to get laid off? Yes. I can happily report that the Richies have dryer, svelter, more content feet and calves. The rubber boots are so much sturdier than the plastic predecessors and the extra height somehow seems slimming and more mature. The fit on my foot is also much tighter than the Target alternative which makes the boots more practical for the amount of walking done in the typical NYC day (even if it's pouring rain). My only complaint about the wellingtons is that every time I pull them on I have to wonder why my lower legs are hugged so snuggly when the calves of other girls seem to be swimming in their boots. Do I have the largest calves in the world? Should Guinness be notified? Do you think I could make enough money off of this deformity and my upcoming TLC special to justify a second pair of Hunters in Navy?

Red Mango Yogurt topped with Pomegranate Seeds

Two low fat frozen desserts in the same post? Be not shocked -- my life is really just one never ending quest for an acceptable low calorie ice cream substitute periodically interrupted by the distractions of building software and gawking at really trashy television programs. Red Mango is one of the dozen or so Korean frozen yogurt chains that has cropped up after the Pinkberry craze took hold a year ago. I have eaten and enjoyed Pinkberry once in the past but do not know it well enough to declare Red Mango a taste improvement but I do know that a small Red Mango is ~$3 which seems crazy cheap to me whereas I remember being slightly outraged at the cost of a small Pinkberry (but this was a year before I spent $100 on rain boots so it's possible that my idea of "crazy expensive" has evolved). The yogurt is creamy and a little sour and the pomegranate seeds burst and crunch satisfyingly and the whole concoction was dinner on Thursday for only 90 calories. I am considering a blanket replacement of all dinner with Red Mango until I'm rid of that blasted 3lbs, I may even go for 5.

The South Rises Again

A month ago when a friend invited me to the Drive-By Truckers concert I thought, "I like you, I like music, there will probably be a bar at the venue and I'm generally pro doing things -- Sure!" I had only vaguely heard of the band and had exactly one of their songs in my music collection obtained years ago as part of an elaborate online song recommendation game that one is apt to get involved in when one is unemployed and generally starved for excitement (and when one has such a liberal definition of exciting things to do that "downloading new music" somehow makes the cut). I am a big believer in concert prepartying so to properly prepare for the impending live music event I purchased a DBT cd (Southern Rock Opera) and added them as a station on Pandora. I did a lot of listening but I wasn't really sold on the band -- they seemed ok, rocky, fun, etc but as far as I could tell very few of their songs were about girls dumping them and the crippling depression that followed so I was understandably skeptical about my ability to fall in love. On the plus side the album tells one long story about Lynard Skynard and life in the south and I do love a good theme. (so much so that I preceded the concert with a southern meal at the Delta Grill where I had fried okra and jambalaya and bourbon and ginger ale -- probably the best preparty concert prep ever).

Perhaps it was the thematic alcohol consumption talking but the live show was so amazing that despite all preshow indications to the contrary I totally want to sleep with everyone in the band (even the woman, even though she sort of has a thematic but not so attractive mullet). The band is somehow capable of pulling off without irony rock and roll moves that should be hilarious, especially to a cynical, dance challenged, emotionally walled off girl like me. They're doing the face to face, crotches close together, leaning way back guitar rocking last seen at a Guns N Roses concert in 1998. They're picking up the mike stands and spinning them over their heads and playing their guitars on their knees. At one point a band member walks around the stage pouring Jack Daniels whiskey down the throats of the other band members while they play their instruments. I really should have been laughing and rolling my eyes but instead I was kind of rocking out in my own little awkward half dancing while leaning against the wall because I am too cool/embarrassed to move any body part except for my hips way.

It wasn't just the band that left me wishing for a 40 of PBR, a belly shirt and my very own double wide -- their fans are pretty convincing in their own right. The 55 year old bearded redneck in front of me was entertaining enough in his jumping up and down fist pumping glory that I could have been happy watching just him for 2 hours. Least you think this fellow stood out let me assure you that at least half of the audience appeared to have been imported from 1973 rural Alabama -- I was lost in a sea of full beards, flannel shirts, leather jackets and well worn Wranglers. Every set ended not only with a cacophony of applause but also a sea of cell phone tributes (sadly even in Hicksvillle circa 1970 this seems to have replaced the lighter homage) and devil horns held high. This was a very devil horn friendly crowd. I had to wonder where in New York City these folks hang out during daylight hours, or what neighborhood they live in -- is there a high rise full of time traveling hillbillies with a garage full of Harleys hidden somewhere in the city? I ultimately decided that it might be best that I stay in the dark about the secret biker hangouts since I have no hope of keeping up with their drinking even if they'd let my irony stained ass inside.

The highlight of the show for me was the song "Hell No I Ain't Happy" probably because it is the most cynical song on their roster. Trucker's lead singer Patterson Hood (seriously, awesome southern name there buddy, way to stay on theme) throws his arms out in crucification stance and belts out the title line and like any good singer the message is so much more than the words. "No, I'm not happy and you are an idiot for thinking I might be and double an idiot for thinking life can ever be rolled up into a ridiculous label like 'happy.' Fuck you." And yet through all of that Hood was pretty fucking happy. And so were the seas of angry looking bastards surrounding me. And so was I.

Random Recommends 9

Chuck Klosterman

I would like to sleep with Chuck Klosterman. This is not because he is so smart/witty/hilarious that he has become sexy to me despite his unfortunate nose and general air of goofishness. Chuck is smart/witty/hilarious but these things pretty much never make a girl want to sleep with a boy (I believe this is something that CK himself has observed). People who argue that smarts equals crazy hawt are usually just smart folks who are trying to convert others to this line of reasoning so that in future their own (perhaps not so hawt) ass can get some action. I should know because selling such hogwash is the third official goal of this very blog. No, I want to fuck CK because having sex with someone is like voting and doing the nasty with Chuck is like casting a vote for nerdy writers and I am very pro nerdy writers. Hopefully after our little romp word will spread that hot chicks (me.) LOVE nerdy writers and other nerdy writers with be encouraged by this. Perhaps such buzz will inspire latent talent in those not previously self identifying as nerdy writers. And then all of us are rewarded with more entertaining essays on popculture. It's public service sex. God bless democracy. (consider this my official nod to Super Tuesday).

Mrs. May's Pumpkin Crunch

I bought this snack pack because I needed something crunchy to munch on that could somehow be construed as not horribly bad for me. I went into the deli wanting a bag of salt and vinegar chips and/or possible an entire package of goat cheese smeared on some crusty bread so the pumpkin crunch was obviously a bit of a compromise. However this lesser evil allowed me seven pieces for a mere 164 calories which seemed decidedly healthy in comparison to every other remotely yummy thing on the planet. Dear GOD these are good. If I ever weigh 300lbs it will be directly related to portion control because SURE 164 calories is a totally reasonable snack but that statistic is based on the theory that one can limit their pumpkin crunch intake to less than 45 pieces per sitting and maybe somewhere there is a super race of highly advanced mutants who can conform to such fascist restrictions but I am a mere mortal.

Tweezerman Tweezers

Let's be honest, we all have a few hairs hanging out in places where one would like to pretend hair never grows (no need to reveal these places by name). If you're like me (read: a seriously cheap mofo) you tell yourself that the $8 tweezers that they sell at the drug store are totally capable of ridding your body of such unsightliness. You are wrong. Were it not for tweezerman I would be in the freakshow. I bought one in red because I'm a whore but they come in lots of chaste colors too.

Drinking Vodka with Fame

Yesterday I discovered that it is very difficult to make “I’m going out for vodka” sound like anything other than “I have a serious drinking problem.” However, I assure everyone that if I had a real drinking problem that last sentence would have been followed by a favorable review of cough syrup as an emergency go to cocktail option and possibly some table dancing so I think we’re safe for now. And in my defense this vodka was fancy, and as we all know fancy = totally not a sign that you’re a boozer. This is all to say that inspired by a shared love for homemade beverages my friend Jason and I paid a visit to the Russian Vodka Room last night with a yen for sampling their reportedly very yummy infused vodkas.

The evening started with me going to the wrong Russian themed vodka emporium. It turns out that in an impressive move aimed at confusing tourists and locals alike the Russian Samovar is located directly across the street from the Russian Vodka Room and boasts a much larger sign proclaiming them the super duper kings of all things vodka. I do not actually know who rules the vodka-verse because I eventually figured out (thanks mostly to Jason’s instructions that our destination was located on the north side of the street) that the red awning’s grandiose claims aside, this was not where I was meant to get inebriated at this moment (but surly will be a place of future drinking even though Jason told me they have a mandatory coat check which seems crazy annoying).

Despite my brief foray into location confusion I still arrived at the designated bar well before my friend because in my typical crazy obsessed about time fashion I had left myself a good 20 minute buffer to ensure that I would not be late. It is times like this when my obsessive planning leads to still being on time despite a few bumps in the road that validate my crazy. So I took a seat at the bar and pulled out my book only to be immediately interrupted by the effeminate older man on my right. He had questions about email. About if I liked email better then the phone (“Yes, with email it is much more easily ignore the parts of the conversation that you don’t find interesting.”). About if I was a writer (“Ummm sort of? I write things but ‘writer’ seems to imply that I don’t suck which would be somewhat inaccurate”). About if I thought technology was ruining society (“I work for a software company and I’m just glad to be a part of the end times.”). He was not interested in letting me read my book. Or in ever ending our increasingly more and more boring conversation. Thankfully Jason strolled in at about 7:32 thus saving me from death by inebriated gay man and restoring my faith in other people’s abilities to arrive on time for events, of course he’s also a project manager so I probably shouldn’t use him as a yardstick for your average person.

So anyway, the vodka was great. I sampled the apple pomegranate and the peach apricot both of which were flavorful enough to make one quickly forget that she is drinking straight alcohol sans mixer and that she might want to focus on sipping. The peach apricot seemed to be the real winner as the fruit flavor was much more prominent but it’s possible that this opinion was overly influenced by the fact that I had the peach apricot combo second and thus was already well on my way to easily being able to enjoy booze that comes from a plastic jug. Jason went for the savory vodka experience and ordered the garlic pepper and dill followed by the horseradish. The GPD has the unfortunately aroma of pickle juice which was a bit of a turn off even for a girl who considers a bowl full of baby dills a reasonable dinner option. Smell aside GPD totally delivered in the flavor department -- the garlic taste was mellow with a pepper punch at the end, I can’t say I tasted any dill but I also didn’t miss it. As Jason had made the somewhat dubious decision to come to the vodka room with an empty stomach (As a much more well prepared drinker I choose to preparty with a can of soup) he ordered some home fries with mushrooms which I ate roughly half of because I cannot resist the lure of starch+fat. Despite my inability to stop picking at the plate of food as home fries go these were only so-so. The mushrooms were a nice touch as was the side of sour cream for dipping but these flourishes were overshadowed by the lack of a crispy outer coating on the potatoes themselves.

Mid our first fancy-glassed shot of fermented potato juice Jason alerted me to the presence of a celebrity in our midst. Evil scary Ben/Henry from Lost has just entered the bar! This was wonderful news because I knew it would afford me the opportunity to perpetuate the myth that living in New York City means constantly hobnobbing with the A-list. EB/H sat down at the end of the bar at least 10 feet from Jason and I which allowed us to talk about him at our leisure while maintaining the illusion of totally cool New Yorkers who are so used to hanging out with celebs that we can continue to drink our booze all casual like and openly glare at the tourist who decided to take a photo WITH FLASH of our very famous friend who is just trying to enjoy a quite night of boozing it up in a taxi-friendly city where he will not have to worry about living up to the Lost cast member stereotype of getting pulled over for a DUI.

You can consider this my official recommendation of the Russian Vodka Room. I cannot promise that visiting this joint will give you the opportunity to chill with TV stars if you’re not already a very hip New Yorker like myself but I can promise potent alcohol with just enough flavoring to make getting drunk enough that you *think* you see a few celebrities very easy to accomplish. And, as I always say, if you can’t have the real thing delusion is a handy substitute.

Random aside: while trying to avoid staring at the famous man Jason and I stumbled upon a very important linguistics question: What is the difference between an orchard and a grove? keep in mind that I'm pretty sure it goes "apple orchard" "olive grove" "pear orchard" "citrus grove." Please help, I already looked for answers on ye olde internet and have been let down (see here).

Now Playing

How many posts does it take for Brianna to run out of blog ideas? 12. I downloaded some new ipod filler this weekend and writing about it is my only blog back up plan so in this post I’m am going to once again attempt to write about music – this should be amusing because despite being super passionate about music all of my attempts to write about it come out as “Isn’t this song pretty? Here, let me quote the lyrics for you…. Awesome, right?!?!”

This post should also serve as evidence that I am no longer cool (I refuse to admit that I was never cool) since all of the songs that I bookmarked in Pandora over the last month are either 35 years old or by artists that I discovered in college. Right now a couple of the hip young kids from work are reading this and losing all respect for me. Luckily this posting everyday thing will soon drive me to baking which should win back the love of all coworkers.

So on that note let’s review my current playlist.

Chips Ahoy – The Hold Steady

I’ve been stalking The Hold Steady since I found out they were playing a concert with The Old 97s and deemed them cool by association (If Rhett Miller bought a case of Diet Coke Plus I’d be drinking it all day too). I actually purchased the entire Hold Steady album, “Boys and Girls in America” which is superb as a whole but this is by far my favorite song. Listening to the Hold Steady reminds me a bit of listening to The Promise Ring’s Very Emergency or something by Cake. This song in particular is happy and bouncy and the perfect pace for my walk to work and on top of that the line, “How am I supposed to know that you’re high if you won’t let me touch you?” is super hot.

Happy Kid – Nada Surf

This song is only 4 years old so I feel pretty good about only discovering it now. 2003 was a good year – Britney has yet to completely ruin her life, we had hope of avoiding a second George W term, Christmas promised another installment of The Lord of the Rings instead of the end of Paul Giamatti ’s career. Who wouldn’t want to go back in time?

Afraid of Nineveh – Gosling

This song is my only hope for saving my cool since the album came out last year and I can’t even find the lyrics online – and we all know that unknown band = indie cred.

For an atheist I have quite a love for gospel music (ala Gillian Welch) and Bible based songs in general. This song is about Jonah and the whale which the band turns into a great allegory for growing up.

Truly Great Thing – Sebadoh

You remember Sebadoh -- they were popular in 1993? They got included in Mary Lou Lord’s His Indie World song? They are now super old and their fan base probably consists mostly of stay at home dads?

But this song is so pretty! And it’s about having a great love finally appear in your life after years of waiting! And it's pretty!

Falling Down Blue – Blue Rodeo

Blue Rodeo sounds very Lyle Lovett in this heartbreaking song about… heartbreak. The lead singer, Jim Cuddy has a gift for filling his voice with pain and it works so well with the subtle twang on this song. Pretty pretty pretty.

Steady as She Goes – The Raconteurs

Here’s another album that I should have bought years ago especially since it’s fronted by Jack White who I have been in love with for 6 years even though he has yet to graduate from his high school goth phase. the Ranconteurs have a more rock and roll sound that The White Stripes and while a part of me misses the simple pleasure of Meg's rhythmic drumming the full sound of this song certainly makes for a more satisfying shower serenade.

Sister Golden Hair – America

This song was last famous in 1975 so I’ve pretty much regressed to my mother’s young adulthood. I also recently thumbs-uped a Beatles song on Pandora (Paperback Writer), soon I may start smoking pot, wearing bell bottoms and reading Love Story. This song is also the 1975 version of “Yo babe, I love you but I can’t be tied down” what with the "I aint ready for the altar but I do agree there's times when a woman sure can be a friend of mine." but somehow they make it so sweet...

For a Song – Story Hill

This is the folk musician version of the “I Love the Rodeo More than You” country genre so obviously I loved it from first listen. Also I love everything that comes out of Chris and Johnny’s lips and if Jack White doesn’t want to leave his wife I would totally accept a marriage proposal from either of these guys.

Despite these recent downloads I am still in dire need of new music so if you happen to be the owner of a record review blog that you never write in anymore (Matt, this means you) perhaps you should send me some new music suggestions.

Random Recommends 8

Ant Farm – Simon Rich

Sometimes I think my writing is funny but it turns out that everything I’ve ever written is crap. But everything this college kid writes? Comedy gold. You should be embarrassed for even looking at my blog when you could be reading his book. If you need me I’ll be over here questioning my self worth. (Please don't leave me...)

Peanut Butter Co. Smooth Operator

I went to the Peanut Butter and Co. restaurant a couple of months ago and happily binged on a PB, banana and honey sandwich followed by chocolate peanut butter malt followed by acquiring diabetes and cardiovascular disease. It was totally worth it.

Then, a couple of weeks ago while browsing in Whole Foods I picked up a jar of Smooth Operator. My god it’s good. I wouldn’t have thought you could have improved upon peanut butter (well unless you’re going to sell it with handfuls of chocolate chips pre-stirred in, I will totally have sex with the CEO of the first company to do this.) but Peanut Butter and Co. surpassed my already high expectations for peanut butter. You should eat some right now and then email me your theories about if peanut butter consumption can lead to orgasm.

Hint Water

Once upon a time the makers of vitamin water made something called “fruit water” which was calorie free lightly fruit flavored water and it was awesome – through what I assume is the addition of cancer causing chemicals they were able to turn regular H2O into a product that could trick my sugar starved dieting self into thinking I was drinking a beverage with calories. Sadly this product all but disappeared from bodega selves sometime in 2005. Enter Hint Water. Sure it costs over $2 a bottle. Sure it’s a rip off of an old product. But it’s yummy and it has no calories! And the bottle is really pretty!

Friday Night Lights

In high school I had a number of cheer leader friends who spent large numbers of Thursday nights writing ridiculous Bishop Union High School Bronco football inspired statements on huge sheets of butcher paper. Because a girl can only spend so much time lying on the floor of her bedroom listening to the Cranberries and asking God why he has cursed her with such a tortured existence I occasionally would help out with the pep rally prep. One of the most embarrassing butcher paper slogans was “Bronco Butts Drive Us Nuts!!!” At the time I didn’t really appreciate the power of a nice ass and greeted this statement with the same eye rolling reaction as PE requirements, every word my mom uttered during the years of 1992-1996 and life in general. I have recently discovered that the fault lay not in the statement but in the butts. The inadequacy of Bronco butts is readily apparent when viewed in comparison to Friday Night Lights Panther butts. Especially the butt of one Tim Riggins (aka Taylor Kitsch). Especially when viewed in connection to his 6 pack and pout-y grape stained lips. Especially when viewed in my fantasy world where he doesn’t have on any pants.

The show is also entertaining and well written. Whatever.

Random Recommends 7

The Settlers of Catan

Recently I’ve managed to increase my nerd-itude 10 fold by scheduling a weekly lunch date to play this game but then lose at lease 15 nerd points for being about 5 years behind on trends in the gaming world. The game is simple to learn and yet always different and challenging so I feel good recommending it even though I have had my behind handed to me over and over again by everyone I’ve played against. The game also offers ample opportunity to regress to age 13 (which is normally a bad thing but is surprisingly awesome in this situation) due to the fact that people constantly have to say things like, “Oh a 6, that gives me wood!” and “does anyone have wood?” The inclusion of a woman with big boobs on the game box is evidence of much wishful thinking on the part of the game designers but I assure you that the game can be played with your breasts full covered – in fact, I believe it might be considered cheating to use your breasts as a way to distract your competitors. Leave it to me to turn a game review in a paragraph about boobs.

This American Life: "The Break Up"

This episode of the best radio program ever is uproariously funny while still being touching, in addition it does for Phil Collins what Rushmore did for Bill Murray. Listen now.

Neutrogena Sunscreen Stick

The only reason my entire face has not broken out into one huge melanoma due the massive amounts of sun it saw in Costa Rica is this little gem. It may feel a bit like smearing chapstick all over your face but that’s a small price to pay for you know, not getting cancer. The stick also makes it easy to apply sunscreen to your hair part which is a life saver if, like me, your go-to lazy vacation hair style is reminiscent of the Swiss Miss girl.

Flatiron Lounge

I was introduced to this place by a couple of gay boys who are, unsurprisingly, 8000 times cooler than I. I suspect the Bar will soon be contacting me requesting that I remove this review as appearing on a web page along with a review of Settlers of Catan is likely to bring their cool WAY down. Not only did my drinking buddies know exactly which of the tempting cocktails would most quickly turn me from reserved professional to giggly sweet young thing but they even introduced me to “cocktail stylist” Julie Reiner who was incredibly nice for not pointing out how my H&M dress was bringing down drink values all over the bar. I will never be as cool as my metro drinking companions but hanging at Flatiron Lounge allowed me to *pretend* that I too am dressing in designer duds, flirting with international businessmen and generally living the life of a gay man in NYC – this may not be my life long dream (no, that still involves an evening at El Bulli with Jack White) but it makes for a fun night or two. Be forewarned, the drink prices match the lifestyle (average cocktail price if you can’t convenience the It Boys to buy your drinks ~$13).

Random Recommends 6

Nintendo DS New York Times Crosswords

If you've been holding our on buying a DS because you are old and don't like video games it's time to put down your ovaltine, grab your cane, shew the kids from the lawn, climb into the Olds, try not to run over a farmers market, double park in the handicap spot at Circuit City, curse the damn kids and their foul music and pick one up. While you're in the devils playground you should absolutely pick up a copy of New York Times Crosswords (and though I am not officially recommending it you might as well complete the cliche and buy Brain Age).

I've been obsessively doing crosswords on the subway for the last week or so and despite only doing the Mondays the game continues to give me scores in the D range -- I like this game enough that I am able to resist banging my DS angrily against the orange plastic seats. Having this snazzy new way to do crosswords has totally gone to my head. I caught myself on Tuesday angling my screen so that the man sitting to my left doing crosswords the old fashion way could see my high tech crossword machine and get very jealous (and maybe talk to me and maybe ask me out and then buy me a wii and live happily ever after -- Thank you DS crossword game!!!).

The obvious downside to purchasing this game is that you will look like a totally loser to other gamers on the subway. I need some sort of button that I can wear while playing that makes it clear that I also play cool games made for people under the age of 55.

Origins Checks and Balances Face Wash

I hate washing my face, it's boring, and soap gets in your eyes and I'm really really lazy. I admit to often going with the "disposable make-up removing wipe option" and occasionally with the "my pores are MUCH too clear, I think I'll sleep with make-up on just to keep them nice and cozy" option. On nights when the guilt over wasteful disposable products and/or embarrassment over being so disgusting really get to me I turn to Checks and Balances. The face wash is satisfyingly foamy and doesn't really smell like anything which I consider a plus. $17.50 is more than I would normally be willing to pay for soap but I've found that a tini tiny bit goes a long way -- 5 oz should easily last me a year, though other more cleanliness obsessed readers/washers may not be so frugal. It still leaves my eyes all teary but until someone invents a "no more tears" face wash (seriously, get on that people -- since when does being over 5 means that soap doesn't sting your eyes?) I'll stick with Origins.



Trader Joe's Hot & Sweet Mustard

Trader Joe's is too good for pictures and online sales but next time you're in one of their many fine stores admiring the hot checkers in Hawaiian shirts or wondering if there is a discernible difference between the garlic and regular hummus (not usually) (or while waiting in line for hours at their annoyingly crowded one NYC location... though not for long) you should pick up a jar of the best condiment ever. This mustard is of course awesome on a sandwich but it is also great smothered on baked salmon (as I learned from Amy) or (do not judge me) with apple slices. It's good enough that when Trader Joe's stop carrying it for a couple of months due to some sort of complicated stocking problem my entire family was so traumatized that we now buy at least 6 jars at once just in case (just in case the apocalypse comes and the people who make this make this mustard are raptured first as a thank you from God for bringing such joy to the world and then those of us Left Behind not only have to contend with locusts and rains of frogs and the anti Christ but we have to do it with sub par sandwiches). When I first moved to New York and there was no Trader Joe's in the city limits (clearly I did not do enough research premove) I used to haul jars from California to New York risking mustard stained panties, I love it that much.

Random Recommends 5

Tropicana Pure Valencia Orange Juice


Last week I invited a friend over for "breakfast for dinner" so that I could practice my sunny side up egg making skills. The eggs turned out lovely but the stand out of the meal what this orange juice. I normally don't find bottled orange juice good enough to bother with the calories but fresh squeezed is another thing all together and I'll happily pay upwards of $4 for a glass. Tropicana's new offering is almost as good as fresh squeezed (but requires neither muscle nor special machinery nor a busting bank account). It's so good, I even had a glass without any vodka.




Rainboots from Target


Target.com has rainboots in 57 different prints (according to my calculations) for $13.99-$19.99 and if you order any two items from women's clothing or shoes you get free shipping! Last Thursday when I woke up to the ticking of rain at my window I could hardly conceal my glee (actually I made no attempts at concealing it but only Mr. Chinchilla was around to see my joyful wiggling and he just gave me that "arn't you gonna gimmie a craisin?" look as usual). A couple of coworkers and I ordered boots together a few weeks ago and so the joy continued all day as we passed each other in the hallways and giggled at each other's cute (and dry!) feet. We've been having a very rainy week and I'm happy to report that even 3 stormy days of rainy gloom is still out wieghed by the excitement of wearing my cute new boots.


Laura Bee Designs

I'm not much of a purse girl but about a month ago I decided that in order to be a proper New York City girl I needed to have at least one cute purse option for those days when my laptop bag (a previous feature on Random Recommends) is too unwieldy. I tend to get stuck on the idea of finding the *bestest* *most perfect* object of my desire which often leads to much searching and little purchasing but luckily in this case I stumbled onto the Laura Bee site fairly early in my quest. This purse may have turned me into a purse girl (if you ever catch me spending $200+ on some bag please look at me in shame and force me to give equal amounts to charity). I have a wedding to attend in two weeks and I'm already planning my outfit around this bag.

While at the site I picked up one of their cute (and fairly cheap!) wristlets as a late birthday gift for Miss Amy and while she may be politely lying she claims to that it is also quite lovely (Amy: if you don't like it give it back! I only buy gifts that I secretly want for myself!).


Emmi Grapefruit Yogurt

(Picture stolen from (at least) one cool thing)

When a coworker recommended this yogurt my immediate thought was, "eww, grapefruit and dairy?" I don't know why the idea produced such cringing since I've long been a fan of lemon yogurt. The Swiss must have made some soul exchange sort of deal with the god a dairy because oh my god this yogurt is amazing. The best part of the experience is that the foil cover tends to get a build up of the fat in the yogurt which, even though it sounds a bit gross, should never be thrown away since it's the yummiest thing in the world. God knows how Emmi manages this with only 1.5% milk fat. Somehow the overall impression of this yogurt is refreshing (not something one usually associates with dairy products). Last week I made a separate trip to a second deli because deli number one did not have this yogurt in stock -- when it comes to glowing reviews not much out does a product that has me willingly participating in such inefficiency.

Random Recommends 4

Rose Salve

I waltzed into Sephora a couple of weeks ago with the intention of buying the Benetint lip balm, I am still in love with the pocket pal and hoped that the lip balm version would give me the same pleasantly pink pout but with more moisture to combat the chapped state that the brutal winter weather has left my lips in. Benetint balm in hand I walked towards the register and saw this salve sitting in a bin on the counter – bigger container, 1/3 the cost… byebye benetint. Perhaps I’m just a sucker for flowery lip gloss and anything with a drop of rose extract would charm my fickle heart but I am in love with this product.

I hate the word salve as it reminds me of icky things like 3^rd degree burns and open wounds so I’ll be referring to this product as lip gloss from here on out. The little tin of gloss has been my closest companion since time of purchase. It not only leaves my lips pretty and soft after each application but I’m convinced that my pucker is now softer as a whole – the gloss seems to have soothed the winter blues. The manufacturer claims that the gloss is also good for minor irritations like burns, stings and diaper rash but I’ve yet to have an irritated body part to apply it to – perhaps one of my mommy or daddy readers could experiment with the diaper rash claim and report back. I have, in an emergency stuck on a plane with not liquids situation, attempted to use the gloss as a lotion on dry hands and it did temporarily sooth my aching hands – though it’s hardly a replacement for actual hand cream.

The gloss also comes in mint and strawberry for those of you creeped out by the sensation of eating flowers. I do wish there was a version with a pink tint -- I may experiment with adding a bit of pigment to a tub of gloss to create my own more girly version.

Muffuletta Olive Salad

While in New Orleans this past weekend I was not able to order an actual muffuletta sandwich but I did pick up a jar of olive salad from the grocery store (I can’t find the brand carried at the New Orleans Whole Foods for sale online but this version sounds about the same). This “salad” is really pieces of olives (green and kalamata), carrots, cauliflower and herbs mixed with a LOT of olive oil – yummy it is, low cal it is not. I scooped (it isn’t really spreadable) a few tablespoons of this mixture onto a crunchy baguette and then layered on a few slices of slightly stinky semi soft cheese and was soon in lunch heaven. The salty olives and crunchy veggies made for a great compliment to the creamy cheese and French bread (which is essential). I tried to recreate the sandwich for my flight home using standard sliced wheat bread and while it was still a yummy midair snack the olive oil had seeped through the bread creating a slick mess -- I quickly lost any hope of flirting with the hot boy sitting next to me.

The Time Traveler's Wife

I read this book a few months ago and have been forcing it on friends ever since. I was a bit hesitant to buy the book as it looks like a bit of chick lit fluff but based on Amy’s recommendation (and on the fact that I was seriously hard up for a new book) I popped into Barnes and Noble. This is most definitely the best novel I’ve read in a long time -- if it were not for my “books are for the subway!” rule (enacted in an effort to give me something to look forward to on my hour long commute) I would have zipped through it in a couple of days. A friend recently commented that the book was a good read but not great literature but I enjoyed the story so much that I can't objectively judge it's literary merit. I wish more books would combine modern stories with slight amounts of fantasy and sci fi (another good example of such blended genres are Atwood’s A Handmaid’s Tale and Oryx and Crake) as I really enjoy having a little scientific mystery mixed in with my love story.

The book does take a bit of getting into due to the very fluid time line; while reading the first 50 or so pages I was constantly flipping back and forth thinking “Wait, how old is he now? Did this happen before the last thing I read? In his life? In her life?” But I soon got used to the story structure and quashed my urge to create a huge diagram of the time line (An urge which probably had more to do with my slightly OCD obsession with organizing things than with the book itself). This is a great book -- you should read it before the movie comes out and ruins everything.

Random Recommends 3

The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family by Dan Savage

An excerpt from this book appears in the This American Life episode I recommended a couple of weeks ago -- I was worried that the rest of the book could not measure up in comparison to the emotional brilliance of the radio program but luckily I was wrong. I wish I could force the entire country to read this book -- I do not think it would be possible to be against gay marriage after getting such a touching inside glimpse into Dan and Terry's relationship. In addition to being poignant and touching the book is also incredibly funny -- You should be reading it instead of my boring blog.


KrisTees -24-01 23rd Ave Astoria New York

KrisTees opened up a couple of months ago just a few blocks from my home and while the miserly old woman who lives in my pocketbook normally avoids any store without a sale rack my quickly failing search for a Christmas dress tempted me into visiting last weekend. At Kristees I was able to use the following excuses to justify purchasing the adorable (if slightly pricey) red dress you see pictured at left:

1. Two Christmas parties to attend and no red dresses in my closet
2. I'll be supporting a local merchant!
3. I just got a raise... I deserve a slightly pricey dress.
4. Once Christmas is over I could totally wear this to work over jeans.
5. I look hot. (in general even if not in this picture...)

Method Aroma Capsule

Let's hear it for the first random want to migrate into a recommendation! Gillian picked up a pear scented capsule for me at Target a couple of weeks ago and the offensive moldy smell is all but gone! The pear smell is a huge improvement, however it is a little too bed and breakfast-y for my taste. The capsule claims to be good for 6 weeks and I think come January I'll replace pears with something a little less fruity -- the lavender and lemon grass sound tempting.





Soma FM Christmas in Frisco

I am a sucker for the holidays -- I love baking cookies and decorating and buying presents and these activities are made all the more enjoyable when backed up with soundtrack of Christmas tunes. The problem is that you can only hear "Silent Night" so many times before it starts to grate. Enter Soma FM (who's indie pop rocks station I've long been a fan of) -- this year they have a streaming Christmas station. Christmas in Frisco plays a great mix of new rock-y Christmas tunes (right now on the song history: "All I want for Christmas (is to get Krunk)" and "jingle bell surf") along with the old tunes that bring back Christmas at my grandma and grandpa's (where they used to make the grandkids sing for their presents). If this station is not big enough to fill all of your holiday music needs you should also check out Maybe This Christmas

Random Recomends #2

This American Life, A Little Bit of Knowledge

I could just write a general recommendation for This American Life but I’ve instead managed to pinpoint my favorite episode – If you don’t like this you probably won’t like the rest of them. Also, if you don’t like this you are a heartless beast who most likely already works for the devil. The episode starts out with a few stories about people being disillusioned of their misconceptions -- in that spirit I offer a misconception of my own.

Shockingly the “Mule Capital of the World” does not have tons of Jews but I did go to elementary school with a few Jehovah’s Witnesses and I knew they had to go to church on Saturday and didn’t celebrate the same holidays as my family and well… Jehovah and Jewish both start with the letter “J” so I concluded that “Jehovah’s Witness” was just another word for Jewish. I made this inference sometime in late elementary school and didn’t give the issue much more thought until 9^th or 10^th grade when I suddenly realized how wrong I was. Luckily I rethought my religious assessment before making any horribly embarrassing statements but the people in this episode of TAL are not so lucky.

The closing story is by Dan Savage of Savage Love fame and is the most hilarious and touching story every told about gay marriage. I’ve listened to it at least 4 times and I still get all teared up.

TAL just started pod casting – subscribe here and each week’s episode will automatically appear on your ipod every Monday morning.

Queen Bee Poppy Trucker Bag

A few months ago I spent way too much time searching for the perfect laptop bag. I had been living with a large Dickies bag that, after a couple of years of use was falling apart and I wanted to replace it with something original. I found this bag via Buy Olympia (a great site with tons of unique handcrafted products) and I love it. It got a nick in the vinyl after only a week of ownership so I was worried that it wouldn’t hold up well but after about 6 months of use that’s still the bag’s only blemish. I did see another girl on the subway with the red version so I’m not the only girl in New York City with a Queen Bee original but I’ll survive.

Meteos

Joe borrowed this DS game to me and I’ve been playing it way too much. I always know when I’m playing a game too much because just as I start to fall asleep I begin to see the game in my mind and I can’t make the imagery stop and it keeps me awake. A number of years ago when I was playing a lot of Black and White I remember driving through the mountains from my house in San Francisco to Reno Nevada and thinking, “wow, there are a lot of trees here, if my villagers had this kind of forest they could build me an amazing alter.” Luckily it’s not that bad with Meteos.

I can’t believe puzzle games can still be new it seems like we should have come to the end of interesting options. Meteos is vaguely Tetris like in that blocks drop from the sky and you have clear them, you do this by moving blocks up and down to create color groups. This game uses the stylus which I had found hard to use in the past but it doesn’t bother me so much in this game. You’re only making small movements with the stylus so I think it’s slightly less taxing on my wrist than other games. I do find that moving blocks near the edge of the screen can be challenging but overall the stylus play works well. The game has lots customization options allowing you to vary game play a fair bit which makes for a lot of replayability.

Victoria's Secret Pink/Extreme Low Rise Underwear

I kind of hate Victoria’s Secret. They don’t make bras in my size and much of their merchandise seems ridiculously overpriced. That said I love these, and not only because they make me all hard core and extreme (seriously companies stop labeling everything on your shelves "extreme" the word has lost its cool).

I tend to wear most of my pants on my hips which leads to more exposed underwear than I’m comfortable with. These panties sit comfortably below my pant line which is nice but it does mean that the public at large is missing out on how adorable they are. I love how brightly colored and happy the patterns are, though I could do without the constant branding. Mom, if you’re picking up stocking stuffers go for the polka dots, stars and guitars. The panties come in a number styles -- I like the boy briefs and the hipsters the best.

This recommendation should back up point ten on yesterday's post.