Being single bothers me to no end. Most of my friends are happily coupled (and have been for YEARS) and the fact that I haven’t met someone and been able to make it work constantly leaves me feeling like a failure. I realized this week that I am horribly embarrassed that I still have to date. Forcing myself to get out there and meet people and try to like them and look pretty and be nice and not feel bad if I’m not into him or he’s not into me is the most high stress depressing activity that I know of. To make matters worse I’m horribly confused as to how this reality happened to me. Even at my most pessimistic I did not think I would be almost 29 and single. I thought I would grow out of my awkward stage or meet a guy who got how my quirkiness was awesome, not weird (ok, a little weird, but in a good way). But here I am. It’s especially shocking because (excuse my ego for the rest of this post….) I’m a great catch.
The side benefits of dating (not to mention sticking with) me are so numerous that I can’t believe this blog can contain them. I write this not because I think I am flawless but because I truly am baffled and also because that state of being often makes me forget how together I really am and that’s a bad thing.
I sometimes find myself wanting to go up to men and say the following:
Excuse me but I noticed you’re not flirting with me/asking me out/committing to our relationship and I just wanted to let you know that this is a HUGE mistake on your part. Perhaps you are not aware of how awesome I am, I supposed that’s understandable, it’s not always obvious, but please, allow me to highlight a few of the reasons why I am the best you could ever do:
- I bake cookies all of the time for no reason and I would totally give you some! Not only that but I like to make dinner – not just canned soup that I added some seasoning to but full meals! I make my own tomato sauce (when I’m not stealing my mother’s canned sauce) and I freeze chicken stock. And (except for the cookies) almost everything I make is healthy! If you dated me you would probably lose weight and live longer.
- I come with an amazing set of friends who, if we were together, would totally be your friends. We do fun stuff all of the time and we’re all really funny. People love us and they would probably love you if you were somehow associated with us.
- You could one day become part of my family where almost no one is crazy, in fact the whole lot of them are fun to be around and rarely if ever nag/pressure/act like jerks. If things go really well my brother will fix your car and my uncle will plan your finical future and my mom will give you free medical advice. Mom also sends me homemade jam and apple sauce and when I go home they give me free frozen fish I would share this bounty with you because I am also not at all selfish.
- I’m ridiculously responsible and not in debt (save a small student loan). I have been saving money for a house. I pay all of my bills on time. My credit score is astronomical. I have TWO retirement plans.
- I’m not crazy. So many people are insane (unfortunately I have to admit that this category seems to be full of more females than males – thanks patriarchal society!). I don’t read other people’s email. I don’t expect my boyfriends to pamper me (except when it comes to killing huge bugs). I don’t need constant attention or reassurance. I don’t mind if you have friends who are girls. I am really reasonable.
- I have a pretty cool job. It’s not as cool as making video games but someday I may even go back to that. I have a lot of responsibility and people like me and trust me – I almost always deliver projects on time, on budget and with happy customers and team members (I am also fairly certain that I could apply these principles to our relationship).
- I could help you dress better. I like to shop for other people and I’ve noticed that most men (especially most geeky men – the best kind of men) are not living up to their fashion potential. Don’t worry, I’m also really cheap so we’ll be getting your new wardrobe on sale so you won’t be poor.
- Parents love me (Clearly parents are WAY smarter than boys.). They ask me to come back and visit, they are sad when their sons break up with me.
I’m totally guy friendly. I used to program. I like video games. I enjoy going to baseball games. Modest Mouse has grown on me even though they’re pretty hard rock-y. It takes me like 20 minutes to get ready in the morning.
- I’m hot. And I like sex. And I wear cute underwear almost all of the time.