Of Course TV Brings Me Out of Hiding

Is everyone watching Gossip Girl? Yes? Ok, good.

Now, this show may not be that awesome, it's no Buffy, it's no 90210 (old school, 'natch it's got scads on the new swill) it's probably not even on par with Dawson's Creek (not that I watched that crap even if it is perhaps the favorite show of a certain guy who I am dating who I promise is NOT GAY (though I know everyone reading this wishes he was cause how awesome would a Winner Parade post about the guy who dumped me for a dude be? Alas). Gossip Girl is sometimes even annoyingly unwatchable -- I am constantly tempted to fast forward through Dan And Serena blathering about how hard it is to date when one of you is super rich and the other is only sort of rich or Jenny pretending she is a fashion maven and not a 14 year old girl who appears to be wearing a junior bridesmaid dress BUT I stick with it because Chuck Bass is the most awesome character ever created.

Current Awesome Chuck Plot Lines

1. I cannot get a boner for anyone other than my true love (Blair). Thank you to the CW for highlighting this pressing issue that affects scads of male teens across the country. How many times will a poor young boy have to suffer through puberty unable to attain so much as half mast unless his soul sings with love? If nothing else think of the poor young lassies desperate for a little action with your average mock turtleneck-clad hunk-a-roonie only to have her heart crushed when his dick reveals his true feelings! I am awestruck that it has taken a teen drama to finally bring this widespread horrific affliction into the spotlight, the presidential campaigns of both Obama and McCain could take a cue from Gossip Girl.
2. No one can tell the difference between two dudes in the dark assuming they both have British accents. All English dudes are indistinguishable from one another and in last night's episode Chuck took advantage of this unfortunate evolutionary loophole in order to take advantage of Blair. When the lights are out your paramour could be Prince William, or Prince Charles or Mr Bean! This explains the proliferation of obviously less than the fittest genes throughout the British empire.
3. How ridiculous can my outfits get before I am gay bashed at my prep school? Gossip girl has everyone in the middle of the country convinced that dudes in NYC constantly dress as if 1957 collided with a bottle of pomade and some velvet drapes in a creepy late night Central Park three-way tryst. In this season's opener Chuck sports an argyle sweater vest, a plaid bow tie and shorts with KNEE SOCKS -- the perfect croquet ensemble! I look forward to seeing Chuck clad in a kilt and bloomers before the season is out.
   

In conclusion:

Everyone not working at the CW: Monday nights, 8pm
CW Staff: Please make everyone else on Gossip Girl more like Chuck (start with mandated velvet penny loafers for all and work from there)

TLC Late Night Programming Guide

9:30: Oh My God This Dude is Really Fat

On tonights show you'll meet Gordo, a 783 pound behemoth. Gordo will eat ridiculous amounts of food, way more food then you can a imagine, no, seriously, you have got to see this -- 17 friend chickens and a 5 gallon vat of partially hydrogenated oil followed by a generous serving of ice cream made from the left over chicken fat. Gordo will probably not be able to get out of bed or leave his home, even through the garage door. You will walk away form this show comfortable in the knowledge that sure, you could stand to lose a few but at least you still fit into the XL sweatpants on sale this week at Kohls.


10:00: That is the Smallest Dwarf I Have Ever Seen!

Meet Tim, a 13 year boy so small that he is actually only visible through a microscope! We'll make him stand next to average sized children and pets to illustrate just how tini tiny Tim is! When Tim goes to the microscopic people convention in Little Rock he meets a special young lady named Tina-- and if there is anything more awkward than teenage dwarfs it's teenage dwarfs in love!


11:00: Why the fuck would you have that many children? Part 1

Johanna and Lou Smithson have 28 children, neither of them is attractive and this program will force you to picture them having sex a minimum of 26 times (2 sets of twins). We will imply that birthing this many children has left her lady bits less the snug. The thing is, they just L-O-V-E love kids, they love the little toes, they love the snot,and most of all they love creating a little army of freaky religion warriors. This is the 2nd scariest program on television.


11:30: Why the fuck would you have that many children? Part 2

Louise and John Morgan have 12 kids -- and they're all 3 years old! In 2003 this couple was so fucking desperate for a baby that they made the questionable decision to implant as many eggs as the could find (13 human and one chicken) into Louise's womb and then they dosed her up on hormones, fertility drugs and double cosmopolitans, stuck an Angelina Jolie mask on her and told John to go at it! Between the potty training and the constant demands for another cookie life with Sally, Sasha, Samson, Savior, Sorren, Simon, Sibol, Sophia, Sigfried, Sawyer, Sandra and Cluck-Cluck could not be more of nightmare! At least they got a free minivan!

He Just Needs an Understanding Girlfriend To Teach Him How to Read.

My new boyfriend, Tim Riggins, is everything I look for in a paramour. Firstly, he’s 17 years old. And he has a severe alcohol problem. Also he’s a huge asshole. Also #2 he’s fictional. What more could a girl want? But what you can’t immediately see during a cursory viewing of Friday Night Lights is that when you really get to know Tim (which, believe me, I have because we are in a very serious relationship) you find that under the hot hot muscles and the stench of cheap beer he is a tortured soul. Tim loves Lila but she can’t get over being a pretentious stuck up bitch and see his true self. Tim is secretly super smart but his daddy never loved him enough and so he hides his smarts behind the pain! Tim has layers. Tim needs an older woman with an acute appreciation for pouty lips to show him what love is. Obviously I am his perfect match.

Those of you who see me as a smart mature young woman with a future might be shocked by my love for a juvenile hall bound high school football player but it's really quite predictable. Sure, outside of my couch potato fantasies I date nice boys. They may not regularly brush their hair and they might often have to cancel dates due to the demands of their guild but they have respectable jobs and button down shirts and 401K plans. They hardly ever do keg stands. But when snuggled up in front of the flickering TV light I turn into one of those girl who can see the good in the drunkard, the promise in the idiot and mostly, the hot ass hidden beneath the layers of clothing the FCC insists my dreams be draped in.

My TV boy trouble started with My So-Called Life. Brian was acing calculus; Jordan (literally) couldn’t read. Brian valiantly helped Angela pass math class; Jordan helped her to appreciate the romance of losing one’s virginity on a stained mattress inside of an abandoned house to a boy who most likely does not know your last name. Brian wrote Angela a heartfelt moving love letter (granted he signed it, “Jordan” because Brian has no self esteem); Jordan (after overcoming illiteracy – see? He has so much promise!) wrote a song for his car. Were this story unfolding in reality I’d have spent Saturday nights playing Risk with Brian (cause one look at that boy's mop and you could smell the love in the air) but since the tale is confined to inside of the cathode tube I was ordering a big plate full of Catalano (extra sauce!).

There have been exceptions to the bad boy rule. I was never a Dylan McKay girl, choosing instead to swoon over Brandon though I mostly blame this on the fact that when I took an honest look at my life in 1992 I had no choice but to recognize that in the 90210 universe I was obviously Andrea Zuckerman (Even if I wasn’t 45 years old.) and part of accepting the nerdy, not rich enough, fashion challenged part of myself was having a crush on the midwestern boy newspaper editor instead of the tortured surfer. (Though seriously that picture on the left is making me wonder if Brandon wasn't actually a girl, which would make sense -- that Emily chick always had a little lesbian vibe going on). Maybe my love for the geeky boys is isolated to California fantasy dramas since I also own a pair of underwear baring the message, “I’m a Seth Girl.” And I am. The comic book geek from the O.C. might be my perfect man. He makes wry comments about pop culture. He generally can’t hold a conversation with a female. He has somewhat ridiculous hair.

Brandon and Seth aside TV generally inspires the unhealthy Jerry Springer ready white trash in me. I was the only watcher in the Buffyverse to cheer on the Spike years. I mean sure he was a little rough around the edges with the drugs and the living in a crypt and the being a blood sucking killer but he LOVED Buffy! He loved her in a pathetic doe eyed sort of way (when he wasn’t loving her in a tossing her around, pulling her hair, sexing up The Slayer sort of way). He had spent 500 some years as a villain and Buffy turned him into a puppy! Post college I devoted Tuesday nights to Gilmore Girls where I was a Jess fan from way back and was never happier than when practical proper boring Rory cheated on nice floppy haired Dean with my favorite high school drop out.

Does this all mean that somewhere deep down I want to trade in my be-cowlicked video game playing nice boys for an illiterate hunk in a leather jacket and beer goggles? Maybe. But real world bad boys never seems to have any substance. They’re genuinely screwed up, not just using screwed up as a cover for sensitive. And since I rarely find myself attracted to high school boys in real life I’m left with 30 year old losers who are, lucky for me, much less tolerable.

Shot at Love Makes Local Girl Want to Shoot Herself

The most ominous request for blog fodder resulting from my plea for reader suggestions was the recommendation that I give everyone an update on the latest low brow MTV offering, “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.” For those of you still pretending that you’re too highfalutin to even know what I’m talking about Shot’O’Love is a reality TV program where Tila Tequila, aka the girl with the most friends on MySpace (I am not kidding), announces that she’s a bisexual and makes lesbians and straight men compete for her, “love.”

Ok, I admit that I was already tivoing this program before my friend Eileen requested that I write about it. I managed to watch episode one even though Tila’s “sexy” voice is disturbingly baby like and her clothing choices so questionable as to require me to repeatedly pause and review in slow-mo. When episode two showed up on my Now Playing list I buckled in for some bisexual loving but after 5 minutes I wasn’t able to continue. I hit the stop button and deleted the episode. Keep in mind that I regularly watch I Love New York 2, Beauty and the Geek and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Squad. I thought I had no standards but it turns out my limit is somewhere right above a fame whore slut pretending she’s into chicks for the sake of a TV show. I deleted the next episode after only 5 minutes of viewing (and likely began watching something of much higher quality, probably an episode of the Real World: Sydney). But because I love Eileen and because I am already in dire need of new writing ideas after only 5 days of Nablopomo I recorded episode 3 and now present the high and low lights for your amusement.

Nine Reasons Why Everyone at MTV Should be Charged with Ruining Society

1. As the episode opens Tila is wearing what appears to be a sweatshirt with long bell sleeves that has been chopped off just below her boobs and one of the guys is wearing a shirt that says “Vagatarian”. Classy.
2. One of the guys on the show will not shut up about how he normally sleeps on a couch at his mom’s house so being on a reality TV show is totally a step up. When asked how he likes his new bedroom (including one huge bed that is to be shared with all other contestants) Mama’s Boy replies, “I love it, I haven’t been in a bedroom in a while.” After kissing Tila for the first time he yells, “I live with my mom, and I sleep on her couch and I ride a bicycle to work!” I fear this is a foreshadowing of reality TV to come – give it 3 more months and all of the actor wannabes in Hollywood will have had their 15 minutes and MTV will be down to homeless guys. (“Welcome to this week’s episode of Bum Lovin’ with Crazy Dave!”).
3. Since this show is set in some sort of super sluty junior high they play a game of truth or dare.
1. Dare #1: some guy has to deep throat a bottle. MTV apparently decided that this hot bottle action was too much for the viewing public so they don’t actually show it on camera but everyone acts super impressed.
2. Dare #2: Vagatarian is challenged to turn one of the girls on – he chooses to rub his balls on her face cause girls (especially lesbians) love that.
4. For some reason this show is all about the straight guys proving how not gay they are. Being on a show with lesbians seems to have them convinced that their sexuality is being called into question. As part of a dare Mama’s Boy has to try on some chick’s lingerie – some other guy claims that he is SO STRAIGHT that just seeing a guy in lingerie made him throw up a little bit in his mouth. Personally I don’t have time to get around to questioning their sexuality as I am too busy questioning their sanity.
5. Apparently the “right reason” to be here is “Tila.” I would have gone with “dodging the draft” or “serving an unconventional sentence for gay bashing” or “got lost on the way to a drug treatment center”
6. Appalachian Mountain Man on his excitement over the “country fair” that the show had set up in their backyard “When I was like 3 I used to spray the poop off the elephants, the carney’s would get me to do it so [the fair] brought back some good childhood memories.” (Note: the “country fair” seriously sucked and did not appear to include elephants, or ponies, or rides of any kind – but the one way that it totally out did your standard fair was the distinct lack of poop. Small favors.).
7. Vagatarian tattles on the lesbian/straight guy fooling around that happened in the massive shared bed while everyone else was sleeping and Tila makes him show what he saw on a giant stuffed bear. The whole thing is very, “show me where the bad man touched you”
8. As part of the “country fair” facade they make all of the contestants participate in a pie eating contest – this is obviously a set up for cunnilingus jokes so here they are:
1. Tila announces the contest and yells, “lick that shit”
2. Tila spends the entire contest walking back and forth yelling, “Lick my pie!” over and over again.
3. This is not cunnilingus related but bares quoting, “I was literally eating pie and throwing it up and eating it and throwing it up and eating it and throwing it up…” – random lesbian
4. The single butch lesbian on the show wins – this is unsurprising since I am convinced that she is the only person on the show who has ever used her tongue for anything other than saying stupid shit. Sadly no one pointed out that losing this contest seriously calls into question Italian guy's "Vagatarian" claims.
   
5. At the end of the contest one of the guys says, “The girls did better at the pie eating because they’re all about licking and sucking and I’m not about that at all.”
6. MTV has no issue with showing girls eating pie on TV even though they wouldn't let us see a guy deep throating a bottle -- I can't decide if this is a double standard.
   
9. The Vagatarian dude is this retarded Italian guy – here are some of the awesome things he said over the hour long (!! WTF? Seriously -- AN HOUR?!?!) program:
1. After getting a massive wedgie from one of the lezzies, “She pulled my underwear into my ass and I couldn’t feel my ass anymore because it was too much.”
2. On why he sometimes sleeps in underwear to, “contain his trouser snake:” “it gets too long and I have to keep it in a cage.”
3. On his inability to hit the bell on the strong man game at the “fair”, ““I couldn’t ring the bell, I don’t know what’s wrong with my arms – besides I don’t care about my arms, I care just about my under muscle there ”

There you have it – the best of MTV prime time. Eileen, I hope you're happy. Just writing this has me contemplating joining Focus on the Family based on my assumption that they are working very very hard to keep this crap off of my TV set.

A New Kind of Family

A month or so ago New York City was wallpapered in ads for The new ABC Family show, Greek and my readers were almost subjected to an uninformed rant about just how unrealistic I imagined the family channel's take on fraternity life must be. At the urging of a coworker I've since begun watching season one of another ABC Family show, Kyle XY, and now suspect that by extension Greek can only be one big heroin induced orgy.

The first few episodes of Kyle XY teased at a plot line involving the 17 year old daughter, Lori, giving up her virginity to a boy who is not even really her boyfriend. Obviously, I suspected that this was a ruse since there was no way that the former Christian Broadcasting Network was going to sanction a no strings teen sexcapade; but I was WRONG!!!! Lori totally gives it up to Declan in the woods (and uses a CONDOM -- which might be an even greater affront to the Christian right.) while her 15 year old brother gets in on some naked hottub action with a girl he just met. This little jaunt into corrupting the youth of America took place (in my year behind netflix supplied world of Kyle XY) 4 episodes ago and, miraculously, Lori is still alive and not pregnant -- I don't know what Disney (owner of ABC) is trying to teach our kids but I expect to see Mickey Mouse promotional lube on store shelves any day now. Since recovering from the shock of unpunished teenage sex I've noticed that this is not the only way that the Kyle XY writers are trying to mock our freedom -- they also endorse the two Ps: Pot and Porn. Try not to burn your eyes on the following completely true examples of how Disney is further promoting the Devil's agenda:

• When Lori bemoans losing the attention of her sausage supplier to video games her mother comments that Lori is lucky not to be a teen in the 70s when boys would constantly ditch you to smoke the weed.
• 15 year old Josh is realistically portrayed as fantasy BFFs with one of the centerfolds in his very dirty magazine collection (which is much more Penthouse than Playboy if you know what I mean) -- the parents know about and condone the collection even going so far as to giggle when the porn spills out of Josh's hiding place in front of the family and a collection of neighbor kids.
  

As a sex loving liberal freedom hater I applaud ABC Family and their attempts to expedite station founder Pat Robertson's eventual heart attack. I don't know how he's still hanging on -- maybe they should break out the golden showers.

Providing Another way for Pervs to be Disappointed when They End up on my Blog

I just watched the Real World episode that I teased in my last entry on society's quick tumble into the trash dump of hell. I will not ever delete this program from my DVR because i know that someday when i'm feeling a little down because work imposes strict internet surfing restrictions or the only Trader Joes in New York City closes reviewing the following events will bring me great comfort:


Outward Bound Leader 1: Poo-ing in the woods in fun!
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Outward Bound leader 2: If you're the kind of person who has to poop every morning at 6 am you might want to dig a hole before you go to bed.
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Outward Bound Leader 1: When digging you should consider the size of what's going to be deposited... you'll want to spread your cheeks.... this stone is great for wiping! it's round and smooth!




Brooke: Can you use these (handiwipes) to clean your BEEP?
Colie: No, that would be like putting antibacterial Dial soap on your vagina.
Brooke: Well what do you use to clean your vagina?
Davis: Oh my god why are you people always talking about cleaning your vaginas?!??!



Outward Bound Leader 2 (on why Brook might have thought it was ok to wipe herself in the middle of camp): It could be a little confusing i mean we're out in the woods and we just had a lesson on how to poop in the woods, that isn't exactly normal.

Next episode: gay guy tried to sleep with crazy girl -- I guess seeing her wipe turned him straight.

This Just In: Brianna Still Loves Trashy TV

Last night I watched the second episode of Beauty and the Geek season three. I missed episode one because DVR rebelled against me and refused to record such tripe – we had a little talk about social analysis, the importance of staying in touch with mass media and how at the end of a long hard day in the office there’s nothing as rewarding as feeling superior to your fellow (wo)man and thankfully he’s back on bored.

The premise of the show is that beautiful girls can help geeky boys to overcome their social phobias and learn how to score with hot women and geeky boys can teach beautiful girls about how book learning can be rewarding and fun and there’s more to life than fashion and partying. Lofty goals for a show produced by Ashton Kutcher.

Last night’s episode had the boys drawing a nude model who babbled endlessly about boring crap. Of course the challenge was secretly to listen to her monologue not to focus on her huge tatas. One of the boys drew a picture of one of her gigantic fake boobs with 4 stick figure men orbiting and the title “Perfection?” He was of course rebuffed for not respecting women despite the fact that this was the most awesome thing ever. (and here I am loving boobs again… it’s a sickness I tell you). The intended lesson that men should listen to women (specifically women that they want to date) was overshadowed by the (one assumes) unintended lesson that women never have anything interesting to say. Viewers can’t really blame the Geeks for tuning out naked Sofia’s commentary on girly movies and fashion while trying to complete their assigned task -- they don't care about girly movies and fashion and nor should they have to. I guess if they want to sleep with Sofia feigning interest in her babble is a means to an end but a better lesson might be that beauty and interesting conversation are not mutually exclusive (you could probably even find a girl with enormous fake tits and something interesting to say if that’s your thing – it takes all kinds.).

The girls were told to study a book on the history of aeronautics and then were challenged to lead a tour at the California Science Center. There was no catch for the ladies’ task, if they studied they did well and if they didn’t they bombed and the whole thing was ridiculously boring. I suppose we’re all supposed to be amused by the girl’s mistakes and how stupid they are but they don’t seem stupid (or at least no more so than we’ve already been trained to expect), they seem lazy. Most didn’t study and so they have very little of interest to say. Lazy isn’t really amusing or attractive.

The show seems to have forgone any premise of getting the pretty girls to change. While they continue the pattern of giving the girls supposedly geeky (read: boring) materials and quizzing them on the content the show has ceased any attempt to suggest that the girls are in any need of growth. Being pretty is enough. Not that many of the girls seem interested in much beyond air time.

I think reality TV must be losing its appeal among Hollywood wannabes because there seems to be a general dearth of Beauty among the Beauties. I’ve always thought that the babes of reality TV were pathetically generic looking but some of these girls verge on actually being unattractive. The qualifications for the Beauty title seem to be thin, boobs reminiscent of Jello cups and a willingness to dress as if we are living under some extreme fabric rationing system. The Geeks don’t even seem that impressed (unlike in Seasons one and two when there was much drooling) – perhaps because they’re not really that geeky. Nate and Scotter, though both in need of a shave are actually pretty good looking and I suspect only in this for their own amusement (and the potential to win cash). According to the WB site Nate is the singer in a Star Wars themed band so I think it’s safe to assume that there are plenty of hipster ladies willing to teach him all about (real?) beauty (and if not he can call me). I think the problem here may be that Geeky is now cool (and I’m not just saying that to preserve my ego) and the plastic Hollywood beauty that pervades these game shows is no longer the ideal. These Geeks don’t really need to overcome their own personalities so that they can score with former playboy bunnies and car show models. The Beauties however could use a few life lessons.

In other news, here’s a shocker:

(take the quiz yourself)

And in other bad TV news bonus points go out to the preview for this week’s Real World (which DVR is keeping warm for a chilly night with no suitable trash to snuggle up with) which featured the following 2 conversations both involving Brooke who I previously thought was the least crazy of the housemates:

Clip 1
(while preparing to leave on a hike)

Guide: Brooke are those shorts?
Brooke: No! Underwear! But the totally look like shorts, right?

(no, they do not, they look like black boy cut underwear – kind of cute I might add and you do have a smoking hot ass but these are not exactly hiking friendly or, you know appropriate to wear as your only below the waist attire while on national television)

Clip 2
(near camp fire)
Guide: Brooke you can’t just wipe in the middle of camp!

(Mama must be so proud. She is still the least trashy girl on the show since I’ve yet to see any of her pixilated and she seems to have refrained from sleeping with frat boy Alex (unlike the other 2 girls who checked this off of their list within 48 hours of moving in)).