Twi-Hard with a Vengeance

Dating is stressful enough when you’re 30 but it super-duper sucks when your mom won’t let you get highlights and all the boys in your school still smell like worms. Wouldn’t it be nice if someone really hot would come along, fall in love with you, beat up your enemies and make life a little easier? Would it be nicer if we could magically take away all of the ridiculous dating pressure that our society places on 12 year olds and make them all love themselves as is? OF COURSE. Let me know when you get to that. 
Tomorrow night I am going to see Twilight: Eclipse and I’m very excited because there will be six packs and wolf packs, blood drinkers and vodka drinks (pre party!), and lust and romance and campy overwrought silliness. Bring it on. Of course, if the Internet has anything to say about it, looking forward to sparkling vampires on the big screen makes me at best a huge loser and at worst personally responsible for the downfall of cinema.
I’m not going to argue that the Twilight movies (or the books for that matter) are high art but the assertion that they are any worse then the rest of the summer blockbusters seems inherently sexist. Nobody seems angry when Pirates of the Caribbean or Ironman or Spiderman 3 (or anything else primarily marketed to teen boys) drag in buckets of money at the box office even though it’s generally accepted that none of these films will be honored by The Academy. But with last week’s record breaking release of the third movie in the Twilight series the Internet seems awash with backlash.
There are a lot of real issues in the Twilight-verse that are ripe to bitch about: 

• The writing isn’t challenging.
• The story perpetuates the idea that a person (in particular a female person) cannot be whole without a partner (for more on this topic read Gloria Steinem's brilliant chapter on love vs. romance in A Revolution From Within). 
• Ain’t nobody getting laid.
• Two different adult characters fall in romantic love with babies.   

But I don’t think any of these reasons are the real source of the rampant Twilight hatred. I think people are hating on Twilight because the boys don’t want to share the marque with girl-y romance movies. And I think all of us are a lot too quick to brand almost anything made entirely for girls as lame. 

Most of the Twilight complaints seem obsessed with the mushiness of the central romance between Edward and Bella. For those not in the know: the handsome vampire falls madly in love with the regular girl (without even talking to her!) and dedicates himself to her for life (which in his case is FOREVER). She can’t do anything to make him stop loving her. He wants to protect her and watch her sleep and drink every little drop of her yummy yummy blood. I’m going to assume that most of the haters were never 8th grade girls so they should trust me when I say that this shit would be super hot if you had a vagina and were in junior high.

Also confusing is the anger over Stephanie Meyer’s tweaking of the Vampire myth (as evidenced by the millions of geeks yelling about “real” vampires not sparkling). How does one go about establishing a “real” version of a completely fictional creature that no one knows the original source for? (Aside: here’s an interesting comparison of vampire traits). Obviously the real issue is not the sparkle (poor quality special effects notwithstanding) but (I’m guessing?) the feminizing of a scary monster. Stephanie Meyer can’t be blamed exclusively for the concept of pretty pretty vampires falling in love with mortal girls (Buffy? Interview with a Vampire?) and boys can hardly lay claim to the vampire character (True Blood? Bram Stoker’s Dracula? Dark Shadows? Was any of this shit made for dudes?). 
One has to ask, “Why are the boys so angry?” One theory (thanks to my coworker Aaron) is that the geeks don’t like having Comic Con taken over by girls. While I can understand not wanting the ladies to see you dressed up as an anime character (living in glass houses much?) I can’t help but think that training a bunch of young girls to like fantasy stories will surely lead to more geeks getting laid. Even Kevin Smith is down with that shit. 

Next time you find yourself angrily ranting about a piece of pop culture you might consider that you’re not the target demographic. (Personally I find Veggie Tales, Saw IV and The Bridges of Madison County all irredeemable.) You might also consider that the fantasy of every pasty white pre-teen boy was already made into a movie back in 1985. And hey, boys -- if you’re still feeling the rage, rest easy knowing that teen heartthrobs rarely fare well in the end. As proof here’s a recent image of my own personal adolescent love interest. Smoking.

On Being a Girl in the Big Bad World of Software Part 2

To graduate from most California high schools one must accumulate two semesters worth of credits in “Regional Occupational Programs” (ROP). The idea (I think, but this knowledge is entirely based on what I heard in the school hallways at age 16, I tried to do research on the program on the intertubes but my California education didn’t give me the skills to slog through legalize without submitting to sleep.) is that if you take an ROP class every term for all of high school the state will help you find a job after graduation. The reality is that schools require the 2 terms to get the state money associated with the program and McDonalds has a lot of employees with impressive flower arranging skills. The ROP options at my high school were Construction, Auto Mechanics, Floriculture, Secretarial Skills and Computers. I eliminated the first two as too dirty and the next two as pathetically useless and so second semester of my freshman year when my advanced math class conflicted with Drama 2 (the horror) I was left with ROP Computers filling up my 45 minutes post lunch.

I was the only girl enrolled in this class (shocker, I know). In fact I was apparently the only girl to have EVER enrolled in this class. At the time I thought this might have made me a feminist badass but it soon became clear that it only made me an idiot. Surprisingly the class was not made up of all nerds (if only…) but had a heavy representation of senior football players looking to shore up an easy ROP credit before graduation. The teacher was a guy my mom had known during her “I live at the Yosemite rock climbing camp with my hippy boyfriend” days (which took place right before the “I live at a cross country ski lodge with my hippy boyfriend/soon to be husband/father of my children” days) and it turns out he’s a little bit famous. A few years earlier he had suffered a fall while climbing that resulted in him loosing a lot of his hearing – specifically he was unable to hear high frequencies at all. This wasn’t really a problem…until a girl decided to take his class. The first test was an oral exam. This consisted of him asking me a question and me trying to answer it over and over in an increasingly louder (and, ironically, higher pitched…) voice until I started crying. Eventually he gave up and handed me an A-. Luckily the rest of the class was taught by a series of programs that the teacher wrote so that he could spend the class period at his desk reading and pretending that his hearing was so bad that he didn’t even notice that class time was primarily focused on tormenting me.

Everyday I came into the classroom to find my monitor, mouse and keyboard unplugged, this meant I had to crawl under the desk and blindly paw at the back of the machine while simultaneously using my free hand to hold down the back of my skirt so as not to expose my panties to the classroom full of giggling boys. Some jokes are apparently funny over and over again for 4 whole months. This kind of tomfoolery haunted my semester until the boys decided to up their game from mischievous to skeevy. One spring day I came into class and football player #1 says to me, “Hey, Brianna, if we gave you $250 would you take your shirt off? Cause we took a collection.” It is at this moment that I make one of the worst mistakes in my young life – rather than flash some boobage, pocket the cash and donate 25% to NOW (and 75% to the cute skirt fund) I decided to care about “principles” (and not even the right principles! Everyone knows Capitalism>Feminism). So my boobs remained a mystery and my pockets remained empty and the teasing continued through June and women were finally allowed to wear pants and own property and men started birthing babies and getting excited about cute shoes. Please write your thanks you notes on Georgia O’Keefe stationary (and I wouldn’t turn my nose up at pair of sensible shoes).Publish Post

How, after this intro experience to the awesome world of technology, I ended up actually majoring in Computer Science in college I cannot explain but after a few years of hanging out with the boys I’ve mellowed and come to love being the only girl in the room. Sadly no one has ever again offered me money for a boobie show now that I’d be happy to take it (off). Life is unfair.

For reference here’s Part 1.

Hillary for President?

With the primaries for the 08 election only a year away suddenly America is all into early preparation – we could use some of that over in homeland security. People all around me seem obsessed with one question – it’s the same question that they’ve been obsessed with since 2000: What do you think about Hillary running for president? Seven years of thinking and I still don’t have a satisfactory answer.

The reason why I can’t decide on my feelings about Hillary are all tied up with the somewhat questionable way that I choose to spend my votes. As a member of the cynical generation I have never been inspired by a politician in a way that made me sure that they could lead me to the America of my dreams. Most election years I grudgingly get inline behind whomever I’ve deemed is most promising despite my (often many) reservations. How I determine “most promising” is complicated. Much of it has to do with party affiliation and how much the candidate playing to the whims of the populace has annoyed me. I don’t believe that I am capable of truly knowing where a candidate stands. Campaigns are serious branding initiatives these days and I never feel like I know a candidate, I can only guess at their true feelings and hope that public claims are at least somewhat true. Because I do not feel like I have reliable information to guide my decision I often tend to get caught up in the symbolism of an election outcome. Hillary’s presidential bid is fraught with the following two pieces of conflicting symbolism:

1. I want to live in a country where gender equality is so advanced that the majority of people will vote for a qualified female presidential candidate.
2. I want to live in a country without a political nobility class, a place where the “American” dream is possible for everyone, a place where anyone (given enough smarts, drive and insanity) can be president.

If Hillary gets elected I get to at least hope that we’ve finally accomplished (1) but I’ll have to give up a little bit more on (2) if our presidential line goes Bush, Clinton, Bush, Clinton. If Hillary loses perhaps I can go back to believing that anyone can be president but it’s four more years where America feels behind on the gender front (behind England, Germany, the Philippines, Iceland, Malta, Nicaragua, Liberia, etc).

I don’t think a woman is certain to do a better job at being president than a man. I think it is unfair to categorize women as competent or not based on gender stereotypes ("Women are more compassionate.", "Women would not be able to declare war.", "Women are too led by their emotions.", "Women care too much about china patterns."). We’ve had 42 men lead our country, certainly there are women who could have done as good a job – certainly there are women in America today who could have kicked George W’s ass at the presidenting! I really want to root for Hillary because as a woman in America, she’s my only option when it comes to hoping that I have the same value in this country as my male counter part.

Just as there must be women out there who are not being allowed to lead out country because of their gender there are certainly people not named Bush or Clinton who would make great presidents. I’m frustrated that as a country we don’t seem capable of thinking outside of first families when it comes to presidential candidates. Just from a probability standpoint it seems unlikely that the best future president just so happens to be related to the guy who ran the country 8 years ago.

Everyone I talk to seem concerned that Hillary isn’t electable. Time Magazine has her ahead of the pack (and I’m sure that the poll taken 22 months before the election is totally reliable.) but that’s not good enough. Democrats (all of whom *REALLY* want to win in 08, myself included) are concerned that most of America hates Hillary. I’ll grant you that a lot of people really seem to hate her, though I don’t understand why (I googled “Why do you hate Hillary Clinton?” and all I got in a fear of her “peeing standing up” and assertions that once elected she would unleashed an undefined liberal hell.) and I’m not at all convinced that she has more enemies than George W Bush had in 04. Anyway, guessing at electability, especially over a year in advance of the election, seems futile.

How do I feel about Hillary running for president? I’m happy that we can finally have a viable female contender. I’m sad that she needs to have a famous name.

This Just In: Brianna Still Loves Trashy TV

Last night I watched the second episode of Beauty and the Geek season three. I missed episode one because DVR rebelled against me and refused to record such tripe – we had a little talk about social analysis, the importance of staying in touch with mass media and how at the end of a long hard day in the office there’s nothing as rewarding as feeling superior to your fellow (wo)man and thankfully he’s back on bored.

The premise of the show is that beautiful girls can help geeky boys to overcome their social phobias and learn how to score with hot women and geeky boys can teach beautiful girls about how book learning can be rewarding and fun and there’s more to life than fashion and partying. Lofty goals for a show produced by Ashton Kutcher.

Last night’s episode had the boys drawing a nude model who babbled endlessly about boring crap. Of course the challenge was secretly to listen to her monologue not to focus on her huge tatas. One of the boys drew a picture of one of her gigantic fake boobs with 4 stick figure men orbiting and the title “Perfection?” He was of course rebuffed for not respecting women despite the fact that this was the most awesome thing ever. (and here I am loving boobs again… it’s a sickness I tell you). The intended lesson that men should listen to women (specifically women that they want to date) was overshadowed by the (one assumes) unintended lesson that women never have anything interesting to say. Viewers can’t really blame the Geeks for tuning out naked Sofia’s commentary on girly movies and fashion while trying to complete their assigned task -- they don't care about girly movies and fashion and nor should they have to. I guess if they want to sleep with Sofia feigning interest in her babble is a means to an end but a better lesson might be that beauty and interesting conversation are not mutually exclusive (you could probably even find a girl with enormous fake tits and something interesting to say if that’s your thing – it takes all kinds.).

The girls were told to study a book on the history of aeronautics and then were challenged to lead a tour at the California Science Center. There was no catch for the ladies’ task, if they studied they did well and if they didn’t they bombed and the whole thing was ridiculously boring. I suppose we’re all supposed to be amused by the girl’s mistakes and how stupid they are but they don’t seem stupid (or at least no more so than we’ve already been trained to expect), they seem lazy. Most didn’t study and so they have very little of interest to say. Lazy isn’t really amusing or attractive.

The show seems to have forgone any premise of getting the pretty girls to change. While they continue the pattern of giving the girls supposedly geeky (read: boring) materials and quizzing them on the content the show has ceased any attempt to suggest that the girls are in any need of growth. Being pretty is enough. Not that many of the girls seem interested in much beyond air time.

I think reality TV must be losing its appeal among Hollywood wannabes because there seems to be a general dearth of Beauty among the Beauties. I’ve always thought that the babes of reality TV were pathetically generic looking but some of these girls verge on actually being unattractive. The qualifications for the Beauty title seem to be thin, boobs reminiscent of Jello cups and a willingness to dress as if we are living under some extreme fabric rationing system. The Geeks don’t even seem that impressed (unlike in Seasons one and two when there was much drooling) – perhaps because they’re not really that geeky. Nate and Scotter, though both in need of a shave are actually pretty good looking and I suspect only in this for their own amusement (and the potential to win cash). According to the WB site Nate is the singer in a Star Wars themed band so I think it’s safe to assume that there are plenty of hipster ladies willing to teach him all about (real?) beauty (and if not he can call me). I think the problem here may be that Geeky is now cool (and I’m not just saying that to preserve my ego) and the plastic Hollywood beauty that pervades these game shows is no longer the ideal. These Geeks don’t really need to overcome their own personalities so that they can score with former playboy bunnies and car show models. The Beauties however could use a few life lessons.

In other news, here’s a shocker:

(take the quiz yourself)

And in other bad TV news bonus points go out to the preview for this week’s Real World (which DVR is keeping warm for a chilly night with no suitable trash to snuggle up with) which featured the following 2 conversations both involving Brooke who I previously thought was the least crazy of the housemates:

Clip 1
(while preparing to leave on a hike)

Guide: Brooke are those shorts?
Brooke: No! Underwear! But the totally look like shorts, right?

(no, they do not, they look like black boy cut underwear – kind of cute I might add and you do have a smoking hot ass but these are not exactly hiking friendly or, you know appropriate to wear as your only below the waist attire while on national television)

Clip 2
(near camp fire)
Guide: Brooke you can’t just wipe in the middle of camp!

(Mama must be so proud. She is still the least trashy girl on the show since I’ve yet to see any of her pixilated and she seems to have refrained from sleeping with frat boy Alex (unlike the other 2 girls who checked this off of their list within 48 hours of moving in)).

No Kids; Plenty of Opinions

I recently found out that most of my friends are freaked out by women breast feeding in public. I expect this from the boys (All of whom I'm sure have already backed out of this post), after spending most of your life sexualizing the breast bringing a baby into frame has to be shocking. The women I’m surprised at. They’ve all had breasts for at least a decade and I have to assume that in addition to objects of sexual desire their breasts have also been an annoyance, a point of pride, an embarrassment and most days a nonentity. Breasts play multiple roles in women’s lives and the role of bottle seems like a natural part of the repertoire. So why do they all seem so uncomfortable?

I understand discomfort and awkwardness. If a hungry screaming child were to rip through my womb and into my arms today I would probably toss a blanket over my boobs before the suckling began. I’m embarrassed by this. I would be covering up out of self consciousness and fear of judgment. In an ideal world I would not be embarrassed by my boobs doing the number 1 job that boobs were born to do (number 2 job: holding up that awesome tube top at my birthday party).

Having a baby is a pain. Babies are demanding and needy and loud. You don’t get to sleep enough or drink booze and I’m guessing it takes at least 2 years to teach them how to make dinner and wash the dishes. Making mom stay home in order to meet all of junior’s dietary needs seems cruel. Sure she can pump and leave a bottle with a babysitter (if you can find one). Sure she could use formula as a back up (if the baby will take it). Sure she could try to keep the baby on a strict schedule and only leave the house when demand for the boob is likely to be low (if she can get your errands done in that 3 hour window). But should she have to? The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that babies be breastfed until at least 6 months of age and ideally throughout the first year of life. 12 months is a long time to stay home with a baby. If women feel too uncomfortable breast feeding in public they’re probably going to stop breast feeding.

People generally seem willing to acknowledge mom’s need to get out of the house sometimes with mini me in tow. Most discussions of public breastfeeding eventually come around to the “Can’t she go into the bathroom?” suggestion. Where is mom supposed to sit in the bathroom? In addition to being pretty disgusting the idea of breast feeding while sitting on a toilet doesn’t sound very comfortable. I don’t see why a mother should have to go to so much trouble just to save everyone else from feeling a little squeamish.

I often feel like our country is obsessed with doing things for the kids. As a snobby singleton myself I’ve rolled my eyes at many a baby in a nice restaurant. I don’t think every place in America needs to be baby friendly. I’d like to avoid making too many allowances for children and parents. Choosing to have a baby does mean choosing to change your life style and parents shouldn’t expect the world to bend to their child’s demands. Screaming babies and unrestrained toddlers can adversely affect the atmosphere in an adult environment but I don’t see how a women breast feeding can be called an evening ruining event. I’d certainly take this image over a hungry baby audio assault.

Maybe I just like boobs (What’s not to like?). I don’t mind changing in front of other people. I don’t get bent out of shape about boyfriends looking at girl-y mags or stripers. I think women should breast feed wherever the hell they like. It’s her breast and her baby. I think the rest of us should all be a little embarrassed by our discomfort.

On Being a Girl in the Big Bad World of Software

A few years ago when I was still living in San Francisco and still billing myself as a programmer I went on the best interview ever. I have chosen not to name the company in this post because I love nerds and have no desire to embarrass them on this very popular blog but I am not so nice as to refuse to identify them verbally – so if you really care, ask me.

I was only at the interview for 10 minutes before it became clear that the decision to interview me went something like this:

Dork #1 (making announcement over office intercom): Dudes! CODE PINK!!! I just got a resume for that open programmer position and I think it might be from a girl!

(Dorks 2-6 rush to the desk of Dork #1)

Dork #1 (pointing to computer screen): See? “Brianna” that ends in an “A” and in our culture ending a name in an “A” almost always indicates that the person totally will have boobs someday OR might already have boobs right this very moment!

Dork #4 (in a badly affected English accent): By George I think he’s right!

Dork #5 (in an electronic voice): female programmer… does not compute.

Dork #1: Dudes. I don’t want to get over excited here but…. she might have other friends who are also girls.

Dork #2: CALL HER!

I do not recall noticing heavy breath during my brief phone screen for this job so I commend the boys for learning how to mute their phones.

Dressing for programmer interviews on the west coast as a girl is a challenge – if you’re a boy you can wear khakis and a dress shirt but there is really no flattering equivalent for females. You cannot wear a suit because the people who interview you will be wearing flip flops and that kind of huge disparity between the dress level of interviewer and interviewee can only lead to bad things. For this interview I choose to wear a burgundy tank dress with a white button down underneath (yeah, it probably is as bad as it sounds). I arrived at the interview site and was greeted by five very eager young men. I was not asked any programming questions. I was instead engaged in the following conversations:

Conversation 1

Dork #6 (arriving late to meeting wearing jeans with a 6inch rip at the left knee, a black thermal shirt and (I am not kidding) a bike chain with a clothes pin attached to it as a necklace): Hey, I’m [Dork #6]

Female Dork (aka me): Hi, it’s nice to meet you

Dork #6: Is this how you’d typically dress for work?

Bri: Well you seem to have a rather casual atmosphere so probably not.

Dork #6: Like that would you normally wear?

Bri: ummm jeans? And a shirt…

Conversation 2

Dork #1: Do you drink?

Bri: ummm occasionally

Dork #1: Ok, let me be more specific – If we were making margaritas in the office would you have one?

Bri: Yeah

Dork #2: Let’s say that we were going out to a bar after work – would you come with us?

Bri: Sure

Dork #3: Do you like E?

Bri: ummmm…. I don’t really do any drugs so….

Dorks 1,2,3,5,6: hahahahahaha

Dork #3: [Dork #4] likes going to raves, he was hoping you’d go with him sometime.

Shockingly I did not get this job – I do not know if I should blame my conservative dress (Thanks Laura Ashley!) or my lack of experience with recreational drugs. Perhaps upper management stepped in and rejected me in an effort to avoid the sexual harassment lawsuit that was sure to result from letting a girl into the shire.

Do you buy a Tit Sling or do you buy a Brassiere?

This is how I think all conversation on the topic of my boobies between me and Mr. G should go:
B: Hi, let’s get naked.
G: awesome!
B (naked now): look at my amazingly sexy breasts!
G: oh my god I love them!!!

This is the reality:
G: you should buy some super expensive bras.
B: because….?
G: most women are wearing the wrong size! And my friend who works at a bra store says all women need expensive bras! And I read this article in the times!
B: so… what’s wrong with the way my boobs look now?
G: nothing!
B: so… I’m spending this money because….?
G: most women are wearing the wrong size! And my friend who works at a bra store says all women need expensive bras! And I read this article in the times!

Now I acknowledge that when we first started dating none of my bras fit right do to my weight loss, I know this, I went to Nordstrom’s, I got measured I bought some $30 bras, DONE. Right? Unfortunately the multitudes of women wearing the wrong bra size has pushed America into an unjustifiable war in Iraq, gotten Hamas elected into power in Palestine and ruined this years tomatoes crop. Luckily, Oprah and the New York Times and good Samaritans throughout our fair land have kindly stepped up to get American women back on the path to righteousness via $100 brassieres.

Buying bras is no fun -- bra size is a sensitive thing in a society where the breasts size is so often seen as directly proportional to sexiness which leaves many women in a particularly vulnerable position. I find the “all women are wearing the wrong bras” movement irksome because it seems so similar to the “all women are too fat”/”all women need to pay $100 for a hair cut”/”all women need $300 jeans” movements. The idea that women need to spend inordinate amounts of money in order to meets society’s unrealistic beauty goals reeks of The Beauty Myth. I’m happy with the way my boobs look now, why do people keep claiming I need a different bra?

With expensive bras there is an under lying implication that not only will you look prettier but somehow wearing a “better” bra will make you healthier. I suppose this is true in the most extreme cases; if you have really large breasts and you are wearing a very wrong bra it seems believable that you might have more back pain than if you had a bra that fit correctly. But let’s say that my 32C should really be like a 34B what is the difference going to be? I don’t have back pain or painful rubbing or anything with my current bras so I’m not sure what a slight adjustment would help.

Of course maybe I can’t even imagine the changes that will occur in my life once the catalyst of fancy new bra is triggered. I *think* I’m happy with my boobs now but that’s probably because I have never experienced the bright shiny utopia that lies beyond the land of incorrect fit, right? Again… so what? I’m *happy* now – why must society constantly question women’s happiness with their own bodies? Why am I not the best judge of how I look and feel?

I suppose in part I just don’t wanna be a sucker. I picture some Scrooge McBrassier swimming in his pool of money laughing at all the women he’s conned into expensive lingerie and I think, “Not me bitch! I bought my DKNY bras on ebay for $7!” I know there probably is no mastermind consciously out to keep women down by making them spend all of their money on beauty enhancements but women are still asked to spend way more money on their look then men (despite consistently making less) and this can only lead to women never being as financially secure as men who make the same amount of money. I’m not sure the expensive bra fad is a sham – it’s probably more credible than diet pills and padded jeans – but when women are told that need some product to be pretty/happy/good enough I get suspicious.