Shot at Love Makes Local Girl Want to Shoot Herself

The most ominous request for blog fodder resulting from my plea for reader suggestions was the recommendation that I give everyone an update on the latest low brow MTV offering, “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.” For those of you still pretending that you’re too highfalutin to even know what I’m talking about Shot’O’Love is a reality TV program where Tila Tequila, aka the girl with the most friends on MySpace (I am not kidding), announces that she’s a bisexual and makes lesbians and straight men compete for her, “love.”

Ok, I admit that I was already tivoing this program before my friend Eileen requested that I write about it. I managed to watch episode one even though Tila’s “sexy” voice is disturbingly baby like and her clothing choices so questionable as to require me to repeatedly pause and review in slow-mo. When episode two showed up on my Now Playing list I buckled in for some bisexual loving but after 5 minutes I wasn’t able to continue. I hit the stop button and deleted the episode. Keep in mind that I regularly watch I Love New York 2, Beauty and the Geek and Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Squad. I thought I had no standards but it turns out my limit is somewhere right above a fame whore slut pretending she’s into chicks for the sake of a TV show. I deleted the next episode after only 5 minutes of viewing (and likely began watching something of much higher quality, probably an episode of the Real World: Sydney). But because I love Eileen and because I am already in dire need of new writing ideas after only 5 days of Nablopomo I recorded episode 3 and now present the high and low lights for your amusement.

Nine Reasons Why Everyone at MTV Should be Charged with Ruining Society

1. As the episode opens Tila is wearing what appears to be a sweatshirt with long bell sleeves that has been chopped off just below her boobs and one of the guys is wearing a shirt that says “Vagatarian”. Classy.
2. One of the guys on the show will not shut up about how he normally sleeps on a couch at his mom’s house so being on a reality TV show is totally a step up. When asked how he likes his new bedroom (including one huge bed that is to be shared with all other contestants) Mama’s Boy replies, “I love it, I haven’t been in a bedroom in a while.” After kissing Tila for the first time he yells, “I live with my mom, and I sleep on her couch and I ride a bicycle to work!” I fear this is a foreshadowing of reality TV to come – give it 3 more months and all of the actor wannabes in Hollywood will have had their 15 minutes and MTV will be down to homeless guys. (“Welcome to this week’s episode of Bum Lovin’ with Crazy Dave!”).
3. Since this show is set in some sort of super sluty junior high they play a game of truth or dare.
1. Dare #1: some guy has to deep throat a bottle. MTV apparently decided that this hot bottle action was too much for the viewing public so they don’t actually show it on camera but everyone acts super impressed.
2. Dare #2: Vagatarian is challenged to turn one of the girls on – he chooses to rub his balls on her face cause girls (especially lesbians) love that.
4. For some reason this show is all about the straight guys proving how not gay they are. Being on a show with lesbians seems to have them convinced that their sexuality is being called into question. As part of a dare Mama’s Boy has to try on some chick’s lingerie – some other guy claims that he is SO STRAIGHT that just seeing a guy in lingerie made him throw up a little bit in his mouth. Personally I don’t have time to get around to questioning their sexuality as I am too busy questioning their sanity.
5. Apparently the “right reason” to be here is “Tila.” I would have gone with “dodging the draft” or “serving an unconventional sentence for gay bashing” or “got lost on the way to a drug treatment center”
6. Appalachian Mountain Man on his excitement over the “country fair” that the show had set up in their backyard “When I was like 3 I used to spray the poop off the elephants, the carney’s would get me to do it so [the fair] brought back some good childhood memories.” (Note: the “country fair” seriously sucked and did not appear to include elephants, or ponies, or rides of any kind – but the one way that it totally out did your standard fair was the distinct lack of poop. Small favors.).
7. Vagatarian tattles on the lesbian/straight guy fooling around that happened in the massive shared bed while everyone else was sleeping and Tila makes him show what he saw on a giant stuffed bear. The whole thing is very, “show me where the bad man touched you”
8. As part of the “country fair” facade they make all of the contestants participate in a pie eating contest – this is obviously a set up for cunnilingus jokes so here they are:
1. Tila announces the contest and yells, “lick that shit”
2. Tila spends the entire contest walking back and forth yelling, “Lick my pie!” over and over again.
3. This is not cunnilingus related but bares quoting, “I was literally eating pie and throwing it up and eating it and throwing it up and eating it and throwing it up…” – random lesbian
4. The single butch lesbian on the show wins – this is unsurprising since I am convinced that she is the only person on the show who has ever used her tongue for anything other than saying stupid shit. Sadly no one pointed out that losing this contest seriously calls into question Italian guy's "Vagatarian" claims.
   
5. At the end of the contest one of the guys says, “The girls did better at the pie eating because they’re all about licking and sucking and I’m not about that at all.”
6. MTV has no issue with showing girls eating pie on TV even though they wouldn't let us see a guy deep throating a bottle -- I can't decide if this is a double standard.
   
9. The Vagatarian dude is this retarded Italian guy – here are some of the awesome things he said over the hour long (!! WTF? Seriously -- AN HOUR?!?!) program:
1. After getting a massive wedgie from one of the lezzies, “She pulled my underwear into my ass and I couldn’t feel my ass anymore because it was too much.”
2. On why he sometimes sleeps in underwear to, “contain his trouser snake:” “it gets too long and I have to keep it in a cage.”
3. On his inability to hit the bell on the strong man game at the “fair”, ““I couldn’t ring the bell, I don’t know what’s wrong with my arms – besides I don’t care about my arms, I care just about my under muscle there ”

There you have it – the best of MTV prime time. Eileen, I hope you're happy. Just writing this has me contemplating joining Focus on the Family based on my assumption that they are working very very hard to keep this crap off of my TV set.