Now Accepting Applications for the Position of Wife

Being single is a pain in the ass. I suspect that other people have not noticed this mostly because they are too busy beating their spouses. Now sure, I’d like to fall in love, find my soul mate, feel my heart jump out of my chest and runaway with his heart so that both of us are left as empty heartless shells who must cling to one another for body heat for all eternity. But mostly I need help with the house work.

You couples probably don’t know how much of a chore being single is, let me paint the picture for you. Picture it – you pull a late night at the office, you’re trudging home at 9:30pm thinking about the laundry you were going to do, the gourmet meal you were going to cook for dinner, the online shopping for your mother’s birthday that you won’t be getting to. If you are half of a couple you can probably entertain the thought that *maybe* one or more of these chores was done in your absence, maybe you’ll come home to a cleaned shower and a pot of bubbling beef stew – it totally could happen! Now sure, we both know that your significant other is a lazy good for nothing who spent the evening lounging on the couch watching “What not to Wear” and starting yet another craft project that she will never finish. (Hi Joe!) But this could be your night! Maybe the Tivo broke down!

But for us singletons the dream was dead at the get go. The cleaning, the cooking, the hooking up of electrical equitment, the killing of bugs, the decorating, the social planning, the wearing of the pants (and the lying on the couch with my hand down them), the bringing home of the bacon? ALL ME. (except when my mom visits). When I get home at 9:30 I’m lucky to get through one chore before I want to curl up with a pint of premium ice cream. Of course, as a single girl I also can’t buy ice cream. If I had a live in boyfriend I could pretend that he was going to eat most of the ice cream and thus justify purchasing it in large quantities because he has a really big appetite. This same logic would also allow me to buy bratwurst and bourbon by the case. If Hagen-daz and Maker’s Mark go out of business this year you can blame my dry spell (and my amazing self control).

Next time you look at your significant other and say, “It’s your turn to clean the refrigerator and tweeze my eyebrows!” try to remember that I am having that conversation with a chinchilla and his reply is always the same, “Shut up and get me another banana chip you tired old maid.”