Casper, Month 5

Happy 5 month birthday Doodle!

This month you have desires. When these desires are not met you have complaints. In the past, your complaining was all encompassing, the world as a whole disappointed you, and there was no way to fix it. You were so sad. Now your parents disappoint you. When you want to be walked around (always) and we insist on sitting the cries are no longer forlorn, but angry. You make an awful grunting noise and then the whimpering starts. You want to stand. You want to grab my nose with your drool covered fingers. You want to lie on the changing table and kick as hard as your little legs can. You want to baby rape my face with french kisses that send your tongue deep into my nostrils. You do not want to take a nap. You do not want to put on clothes. You do not want to sit in the car seat. You do not want to cuddle on the couch.

For all of this you are, generally, our happy little guy. You’re an easy audience for silly noises, tickles and bounces. Your open mouth toothless smiles turn me to mush over and over again. You are a sucker for your daddy -- he is, perhaps, as much your goofball as you are his. We ask you, “How did you get so cute?” No answers yet.

When you were a newborn my favorite Casper face was your pursed lip “oh” face -- your little mouth puckered into a tight “O” as if you would start to yodel at any moment. Inspired by you I’d sing, “ooooo” to you at different pitches. Now your face is a ball of grins, smirks, pouts and scowls. My new favorite Casper face is your "surveying" face. Your lips pursed in a tight line, your little nose held up in the air and your eyes scanning your empire (mostly finding it wanting).

I’ve thought you were on the cusp of rolling from back to belly for weeks but you seem forever stuck with only your bottom half flipped over, your torso twisted and your face a combination of confusion and frustration. Your legs have mastered the kick and your hips the twist but your arms and head won’t get with the program, so you lie there stuck half way between up and down.

At the end of a day when your parents had failed to meet your expectations over and over again your dad held you seated on the edge of the dinner table and said, “This is my Casper impression, ‘WAH WAH WAH!’” Your little face shook in shock and your lips started to quiver. For perhaps the first time ever, you were scared! I grabbed you and hugged you close and surprisingly the crying ebbed. I have whispered, "Mama's got you, you're ok," countless times over the past 5 months but suddenly it felt like the words had sunk in. I had you and so you were ok. This was the first time that I felt I had comforted you and that love was coming from you to me (instead of only in the other direction). I am a new kind of mom. No longer just your own personal cow I have just started to become your sanctuary.