Another Bedtime Ritual

The Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord my soul to keep

And if I die before I wake

I pray the Lord my soul to take

God bless:

My family

My relatives

My friends

And myself

My famiy’s house

My relatives’ houses

My friends’ houses

And my house

My family’s pets

My relatives’ pets

My friends’ pets

And my pets

God keep me and every one and thing I’ve asked you to bless (unless it’s a house) with a house or an apartment to live in (houses for large families or small families that have people visit fairly often, apartment for small families that do not have people visit very often)

God keep me and every one and thing I’ve asked you to bless (unless it’s a house)in good health, with good food to eat and happy.

Amen.

The Amendments

1. Always say a special prayer for people who are traveling, make sure to bless their initial trip AND their return to ensure that they get home safely
2. Always say a special prayer for people who have some sort of medical aliment.
3. If you feel lost or stressed it is ok to ask God to help you find the right path or make the right decision provided you do not violate Rule 3.

The Rules

1. If you don’t remember saying the prayer God will not count it.
   
2. It is best if you visualize the things you are praying for, this ensures you are actively involved in the prayer not just reciting it from memory
3. It is not ok to ask for selfish things like money or a new toy or a boyfriend, if you do this God will likely trick you by fulfilling your wish in a way you did not intend ( much like all wish granters God is kind of a dick in that way).

Like most American Christian children I have said a version of this prayer before bed for as long as I can remember. I imagine most other kids stopped after the rhyming part. This version has stuck around virtually unchanged since sometime in late elementary school. Clearly I have never trusted god. While writing out these words that have existed for so long only in my head I especially enjoyed the absurdity of when I explain to God just who deserves to live in a house. Knowing myself as I do I am mostly surprised that I did not quantify what constitutes a large family and frequent guests – those are just the kind of mushy words that can get you into trouble with a capricious deity.