Sunday, November 12, 2006

Future Speak

A few weeks ago I found out that this boy on whom I have a bit of a crush has “a girlfriend from California.” I was a bit sad to find this out until Amy, the queen of delusional optimism, came up with this idea:

“Bri, maybe he’s talking future speak -- *maybe* you’re his girlfriend from California!”

We discussed how this could be a bit unsettling since any boy afflicted with future speak would likely start discussing your children well before the second date and be on to grandparenthood after a few months. All of this seems like it would get annoying rather quickly but I like a challenge (Seriously, call me, I’m super hot and I’ll ignore your psychotic tendencies!).

In truth I’m the one diagnosed with future speak. I tend to get so caught up with my ideas for the future that I’m unable to properly enjoy the present. I love having events to look forward to so much that I often enjoy planning more than execution. Planning for a vacation starts months in advance with obsessive highlighting of the Lonely Planet guide. First dates are preceded by days of wardrobe planning and primping. Saturdays are anticipated from Sunday onward. And once the vacation, suitor or weekend arrives it rarely lives up to the plan I’ve laid out in my mind. I worry that too much planning has sacrificed many wonderful trips, boys and Sunday afternoons.

Lately, thoughts of moving back to California have made it hard to enjoy New York. I’m not unhappy here and I’m not even sure that I’d be happier in California. New York is a place that people dream about living and here I have a good group of friends and a job I enjoy (not to mention a crush who right now may be picking out our matching gravestones). But I know that I don’t want to live in New York forever. I feel slightly crushed by the number of people around me. I feel trapped without any access to nature. I hate the little grocery stores. I miss having a car. I long for a feeling of community. None of these things bother me on a day to day basis and I know that staying here for another year or so would probably be a good idea career-wise. I would like to be able to look at my time in New York as temporary and therefore enjoy it all the more but instead I find myself feeling like effort spent on a life in New York is wasted. I am paranoid about getting too attached to friends or looking too far into the future of my career because I’m going to leave eventually. And when I do leave (for pastures that may or may not be greener despite certainly having more greenery) I may have to look back on my time here and acknowledge that looking too far forward ruined what should have been an exciting couple of years.

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