I will be 29 in less than 2 months. Over the last year I have suddenly become aware of my age and I feel old-ish for the first time. I realize that 29 (not to mention 28) is not really old but it is not really young either. Young is something I have been all of my life. While I’ve always naively thought that I would grow into middle-age and crone-hood happily knowing that any gray hair or wrinkles would have been hard won and certainly not worthy of shame I am feeling increasingly anxious about getting old.
I find myself searching for wrinkles (I have a few on my forehead) and wondering if it’s still ok to wear pigtails. But mostly I am afraid that I have not prepared properly for the life that I had always envisioned. I don’t own a house – I live in a place that makes the idea of owning seem impossible. I don’t have a husband. I am very afraid that I will hit 35 or 40 and look back and realize I missed my chance to have children. Or that 70 or 80 will roll around and I will feel that I didn’t spend my time wisely. I do not know what I should be doing to ensure that the future me is happy with the past I created for her but it seems like I have to figure this out immediately. I wish that I had a pause button for life.
Perhaps my awareness of my age has been triggered by the illnesses that have plagued friends over the past few years. I am in the midst of a bit of a medical scare myself – most likely (90% likely to be exact) I will be fine but on Tuesday I have to go in for a test that has a scary word attached to it and I am feeling very mortal.