Saturday, November 18, 2006

Tic Tic Tic....

I will be 29 in less than 2 months. Over the last year I have suddenly become aware of my age and I feel old-ish for the first time. I realize that 29 (not to mention 28) is not really old but it is not really young either. Young is something I have been all of my life. While I’ve always naively thought that I would grow into middle-age and crone-hood happily knowing that any gray hair or wrinkles would have been hard won and certainly not worthy of shame I am feeling increasingly anxious about getting old.

I find myself searching for wrinkles (I have a few on my forehead) and wondering if it’s still ok to wear pigtails. But mostly I am afraid that I have not prepared properly for the life that I had always envisioned. I don’t own a house – I live in a place that makes the idea of owning seem impossible. I don’t have a husband. I am very afraid that I will hit 35 or 40 and look back and realize I missed my chance to have children. Or that 70 or 80 will roll around and I will feel that I didn’t spend my time wisely. I do not know what I should be doing to ensure that the future me is happy with the past I created for her but it seems like I have to figure this out immediately. I wish that I had a pause button for life.

Perhaps my awareness of my age has been triggered by the illnesses that have plagued friends over the past few years. I am in the midst of a bit of a medical scare myself – most likely (90% likely to be exact) I will be fine but on Tuesday I have to go in for a test that has a scary word attached to it and I am feeling very mortal.

1 comment:

psyche7772 said...

yeah it sort of sneaks up on you. I'm going to be 35 next year (7 months from now) I was married and then divorced lost a house to the x and no kids now looking at that road again getting married having kids getting a house. You know it's not so bad. Really! try and enjoy the ride and remember you never know what's around the next corner. Enjoy every minute and you won't have any regrets.