I know everyone was hoping that I'd be bringing you a hairy November and I'm sorry to disappoint but I will not be participating in Movember. It's not that I don't love the prostate, or even that I'm a little jealous of not having a prostate of my very own (I hear they're lovely). It's just that I know exactly how it would go if I were to grow a moustache…
Time Spent drawing stubble on upper lip with eyeliner pencil: 30 seconds
Was stalked all day by quizzical looks and raised eyebrows, it's like the world has never seen a girl taking her au natural upper lip out for a walk before. Am saddened at the sexism in our society. Spent evening drowning my sorrows in Keystone and Nascar (suddenly finding both as underrated as the magnum).
Time spent penciling in the peach fuzz: 2 minutes
I am happy to report that the mo is coming is great. It's just a wee mo right now but I see the potential for a cozy lipwarmer in a few days time, and with the weather we've been having I know I picked the right month to grow a protective layer. I don't want to seem too cocky but I've also been noticing a few heads turn my way when I'm out and about – you know what they say, the lads just can't say no to a tash.
Time spent penciling peach fuzz for the 5th day in a row: 10mins
Time spent agonizing over slow moustache growth and just how badly this reflects on my femininity: half an hour
Genetics is a cruel science. No matter how many times I try to draw on the full bushy moustache that would make my daddy (a mo man himself) proud I always come out of the bathroom looking like a high school freshman with overly defined pecs. I curse my sparsely haired German roots.
Time spent fluffing the sea of fur that seems to have sprouted overnight: 5 minutes
Time spent glued to the mirror in awe: 2 hours
My prayers have finally been answered and all I can say is Halle-freaking-lujah this morning as I put pencil to skin I found the luscious strands easily pulled from the point, it's like my lips walked right out of an Herbal Essences commercial.
Time spent contemplating a new do: 45mins
Now that facial hair is coming in broad strokes I'm starting wonder about style – one can only get away with the feral mo for as long as the shock of the new look lasts, after that people begin to expect a little panache. I'm thinking it's time someone brought back The Belvedere.
Time spent lovingly combing my mane of lip hair: 30mins
This morning on the subway two men sat down on either side of me, one was tall and lanky with a sexy mess of bed head and the other had a sprinkling of freckles and a boyish grin that melted my underwear clean off. Both of them could not get enough of the 'stache. They spent the entire commute petting it and cooing my name. I don't want to get my hopes up but it looks like the mo could be the love catalyst I've been looking for!
Time spent trying to resist picking up the washcloth and freeing myself of this hypnotic nose skirt: 53.4mins
I don't know what to do. All around me I see men walking away from families, jobs and really deserving sports teams to devote their lives to me and my mo. Of course I'm flattered but between my nightly talk show and the calendar shoot I just don't have time to give all of my followers the hours with me that they crave. I'm so disheartened by the challenges of leading a cult that I wonder if it can really be worth it….
Time spent wringing tears from my sodden 'stache: 33mins
I'm sure by now you've all read about the stock market crash. I just want to say that when this month started I obviously underestimate the combined power of my god given charisma when gilded by a crumb catcher. I only wanted to make the world a safer place for prostates; I had no idea how dangerous this road would be.
Day 30, 11:30pm
Time spent scrubbing eyeliner off of my upper lip: 10mins
Well it's over. I've washed my face raw but black eyeliner will always live as a stain on my soul. I'm sorry for the disaster that I have wrought. I'm sorry for the marriages that will never recover, the crops left to rot in the fields and, of course, for the re-breakup of the Backstreet Boys (Private to Nick and AJ in LA: bros before hos with mos). I have thrown out my eyeliner pencil and will be a liquid liner only girl for here on out – I think it's clear that I can't be trusted with anything else. Men, please go back to your wives, your jobs, your bands -- the heaven you thought you'd find in the warm hug of my mo is not a reality. Girls, please heed my warning: There are good reasons for the taboo against female facial hair, wax it, nair it, shave it, do whatever you have to do – and stay away from the pencil.