Snowman Kit $14
- Everything you need to dress Frosty in his finest
- Kit contains "coal" for the eyes and mouth, a "carrot" nose, three buttons and a pipe
- All carved of wood and mounted on skewers
- Knit hat completes the ensemble, and also acts as a storage bag
Clearly the folks over at Restoration Hardware (Aka "I'm nostalgic for the WASP-y childhood I never had inc.") are out to take the fun out of winter. If I'm going to buy a snowman kit in order to make your standard run of the mill Frosty why even bother with a "carrot" nose? Why not just stick on a plastic human nose and glass eyes? Why even bother making a snowman at all? Mr. Potato Head is inside where it's warm. This snowman kit is clearly the invention of some OCD mom who cannot live with her child's imperfect creative snowman.
Speaking of imperfect snowmen...
A few years ago my brother and some friends built a large anatomically correct snowman prominently constructed in the front yard of a house on a busy (for a town of 4000) intersection. Some little old neighbor lady didn't take to kindly to the snow penis and called the police to report this egregious incident of indecent exposure of/to the elements. A police officer pulled into the driveway just as baby brother and company were applying the final touches to their sculpture and asked them to dignify the snowman by getting rid of the penis (pants were not discussed -- it's so sad how the cops immediately jump to castration -- cruel and unusual, no?). Like any good clan of hoodlum artists they refused to clean up their snowman thus forcing the cop to knock the offensive member off with his club (who knew that American police officers were still carrying around billy clubs?).
I am not officially advocating R rated snowmen but no one can deny that the John Holmes of snowmen is certainly more interesting than Mr. Restoration "Frosty" Hardware. If my parents had imposed the snowman kit on my little bro I am certain that he would never have developed the creative genius that inspired him not only to make a dirty snowman but to remember to photograph the police officer knocking off the snow penis and then our world would be without two great pieces of art.
Update: So I'm listening to Christmas in Frisco when a lovely tune called "Who put the dick on the snowman?" starts to play -- i searched a bit for a clip or lyrics online and I found this:
3 comments:
This reminds me of the movie "Dumb and Dumber" when Harry and Mary are building the snowman. Mary hands Harry the carrot and coals, and he doesn't use them for their intended purpose. Who knows, maybe there's a way to make a dirty snowman out of Restoration Hardware's fancy kit: Those buttons look suspiciously like snowman nipples.
i want to see the photo of the police on snowman brutality!
alas I do not have access too that photo -- but maybe (If i bribe him) Kurt can dig it up when I'm home for Christmas.
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