Monday, March 17, 2008

TLC Late Night Programming Guide

9:30: Oh My God This Dude is Really Fat

On tonights show you'll meet Gordo, a 783 pound behemoth. Gordo will eat ridiculous amounts of food, way more food then you can a imagine, no, seriously, you have got to see this -- 17 friend chickens and a 5 gallon vat of partially hydrogenated oil followed by a generous serving of ice cream made from the left over chicken fat. Gordo will probably not be able to get out of bed or leave his home, even through the garage door. You will walk away form this show comfortable in the knowledge that sure, you could stand to lose a few but at least you still fit into the XL sweatpants on sale this week at Kohls.

10:00: That is the Smallest Dwarf I Have Ever Seen!

Meet Tim, a 13 year boy so small that he is actually only visible through a microscope! We'll make him stand next to average sized children and pets to illustrate just how tini tiny Tim is! When Tim goes to the microscopic people convention in Little Rock he meets a special young lady named Tina-- and if there is anything more awkward than teenage dwarfs it's teenage dwarfs in love!

11:00: Why the fuck would you have that many children? Part 1

Johanna and Lou Smithson have 28 children, neither of them is attractive and this program will force you to picture them having sex a minimum of 26 times (2 sets of twins). We will imply that birthing this many children has left her lady bits less the snug. The thing is, they just L-O-V-E love kids, they love the little toes, they love the snot,and most of all they love creating a little army of freaky religion warriors. This is the 2nd scariest program on television.

11:30: Why the fuck would you have that many children? Part 2

Louise and John Morgan have 12 kids -- and they're all 3 years old! In 2003 this couple was so fucking desperate for a baby that they made the questionable decision to implant as many eggs as the could find (13 human and one chicken) into Louise's womb and then they dosed her up on hormones, fertility drugs and double cosmopolitans, stuck an Angelina Jolie mask on her and told John to go at it! Between the potty training and the constant demands for another cookie life with Sally, Sasha, Samson, Savior, Sorren, Simon, Sibol, Sophia, Sigfried, Sawyer, Sandra and Cluck-Cluck could not be more of nightmare! At least they got a free minivan!


B said...

those folks w/the 28 kids scare the fuck out of me

Lisa said...

Cluck Cluck and Savior are their cutest kids, gotta say. Damn, I love that show.

Dee said...

How long did it take to come up with that many "S" names? *heh* Cluck cluck is definitely my favourite.