Thursday, January 17, 2008

Please Do Not Take This As An Opportunity To Give Me a Nickname

I have never been a huge fan of the current president not only because we disagree on pretty much every political issue but also because we don't really have much in common. He likes clearing brush. I like getting my nails done. He likes baseball. I like Super Mario Tennis. He likes invading countries. I like abortions. I know that he's supposed to seem like an awesome bro to meet up with for a beer but I don't really like bros OR beer. I'm more of a saketini with a twist of preserved myer lemon and a rim of green tea power and a ridiculously large price tag at a chichi restaurant kind of girl. Or, more frequently, a bourbon straight while sitting in front of my computer in my pjs obsessively checking my blog stats kind of girl (Which is something else that I imagine the Dub-man doesn't do a lot of but it would be kind of awesome to think that he's sitting around staring at Google analytics for all "fucking Tony Blair, *I see you* I know you say you're over me but then why are you logging onto my site 40 times a day hmmmmm? BUSTED.").

But there is at least one thing that G-Dub and I have in common -- we both love nicknames. I even have to give him some props for mad nicknaming skillz. Especially in the cases of "La Margarita - Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings", "Congressman Kickass - John Sweeney, Republican Congressman, New York" and especially, "Big Time - Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States of America." The nicknaming may cheapen the importance of government and the office of the POTUS but damned if it ain’t entertaining. In a few cased George even has 2 nicknames for some people, a positive and a negative which is, frankly, brilliantly efficient. This means that he can communicate how he feels about the person simply by addressing them! You know what? Maybe I *DO* want to get a beer with Dubarific!

One key difference between Georgie's use of pseudonyms and my own is that he calls people by their nicknames to their face where as I use them exclusively in a "taking about you, not to you" fashion. This facilitates the air of drama that I like to enshroud my nickname habit in -- these are really more than nicknames, they’re disguises, alter egos, secret identities! This means that exchanging instant messages with me reads something a wittier secret agent dispatch which is exactly the kind of spicing up your life one needs when it gets dark at 5pm and there’s a writers strike. I am performing a public service. Below are some actual nicknames that I have given to people I know. And by people I pretty much always mean "guys that I or one of my friends totally wanted to jump the bones of."

The Communist
Bad Idea Jeans
The Mrs. Robinson Project
Fast Moving Train (used for a boy who a friend liked but and who we thought was a bit too hands-y for her virtuousness but it turned out he was super lame and didn't even try for a base hit)

Awesome, right? . I think it’s clear that while I have many skills I only have one art and that is the creation and assignment of monikers. I have to say that I am super proud of these. Even prouder than I am of the incredibly cute outfit I put together yesterday. Even prouder I am of the amazing pasta dish I made on New Years day. Even prouder than I am of my expertly crafted subway route. If I ever have a child he or she is going to have to do some awesome coloring if they ever hope to compete.


Lisa said...

If TBB ends up meaning anything, I will reserve the re-pseuodyming pleasure to you. You do it best!

And I appreciate your efforts to protect my virtue.

PrincessPolly said...

Isn't there a small part of you that would love to use the monikers to the face of the person they are attributed to? Go on . . . :)

wolf said...

Yes, W has come up with a few good nicknames, I agree. I suppose he can't be a complete imbecile in everything he does.

And I won't tell you my nickname, either.

Gillian said...

The image of G-Dub checking stats totally cracked my shit up. Nicely done.

alia said...

The Grinning Spy
Rugged Butt

...yeah, nicknames for crushes were important. in high school.


kp said...

+MM (meowmix)