Tuesday, January 15, 2008

In Case You're Wondering I Still Don't Own a Wii

Dear Nintendo,

Hi, How’s it going? I’m taking time to write to you today because I am a huge fan of your work, especially the work that involves a certain impish little plumber and also pretty much everything else. I have plenty of time to devote to writing this little piece of fandom because it’s not like I have any video games to play at home since apparently you have to be some sort of Svengali to acquire your latest technology despite the fact that “latest” in this context means “released over a year ago.” I realize that you may have initially chosen to under-manufacture your product in an effort to drive up demand and I respect your attempts to fiddle with the cogs of capitalism in this way but I am now wondering if the “increased demand leads to increased supply” principal has made if over the Pacific to Japan. It is time to solve this problem because seriously every time I so much as start talking about it with someone I get so angry that I consider punching things and normally when I need to do some punching I turn to video games but obviously that is not an option.

When the main routes to obtaining your product involve a sleeping bag and intimate contact between NYC sidewalks and my head or winning some sort of ill conceived radio contest which may or may not result in the death of most of your customer base I think it is clear that you have a project management problem. Luckily, I can help. You see I am naturally suited to organizing things and nagging people and, in emergency situations, bribery. Below I’ve detailed how things would go if you hired me to manage manufacturing and distribution of the Wii. You’ll notice that this plan ends with you making money which, I am assuming is a goal for your company. You may not be aware of this but typically you make more money if you sell your product to people as opposed to your current system which seems to consist of me waving money in your direction and you turning your nose up like you smelled a particularly bad fart.

  1. You give me a Wii and set of all available games, controllers and do-dads so that I can be properly informed about the product that I now manage. I will probably need roughly a month of uninterrupted product research to complete this initial stage in my master plan.
  2. You start making more Wiis. Way more then the estimated 13 daily that you now produce apparently by a team of highly trained snow leopards who build them by hand (paw?). Choosing an endangered species to construct your console, while certainly an innovative way too maintain product secrets, was probably your biggest business blunder. I would institute an assembly line based factory where humans operate huge machines capable of producing at least 300 units a day (probably more).
  3. You ship the Wiis to stores. Specifically stores that intend to sell the product to consumers. I would recommend stores that sell other electronics and gaming products. Stocking Wiis at funeral parlors and grocery stores would be a lower priority but ultimately a long term goal.
  4. Build pool, fill with gold coins, get naked, go swimming.

I hate to toot my own horn but I have to say that this is a rather brilliant plan and that my services are an awesome deal since I will consider being paid in games and sushi (both of which I’m pretty sure you already have lying around but if, by chance, there is some sort of games and/or sushi availability problem I think I’m up to the task of solving that one for you as well). Anyway, let me know soon if you’re interested or if you’d rather just continue disappointing fans until everyone ditches you for Playstation even though their product is both more expensive and more sucky.



Geoff G. said...

You've heard the conspiracy theory, right?

Apparently, there are plenty of Wiis to be had in Europe, because the euro is so strong -- they'd rather sell there than take our much less desired dollars into their yen (and sushi) thirsty hands.

Lisa said...

I find all my entertainment needs are fully filled by things I find/buy in funeral parlors. Soo.... what are you saying?

(Ps- I think they're not that hard to get in Canada. Lots of people have them with little to no effort, I think)

Anonymous said...

And to think you could be playig Wii at my house.

Jamie Lovely said...

Rumor has it you give it up for RSS adds!

haha, I found you through Lisa. I just wanted to say hi!