Thursday, January 10, 2008

My Peeps

According to Feedburner I have 68 subscribers to this ode to triviality. Based on my Stat Counter numbers I figure I also have about 25-30 readers who have yet to discover the joy of RSS and are still reading via bookmarks or links from other blogs (these readers will hence forth be known as “my mom and her friends”) which makes for roughly 100 readers total. Which makes me super famous (and also makes me consider some Google ads but then I remember that I am better off waiting for the big payoff so if you’re in the advertising industry and want to offer me tons of money to put a picture of say ice cream or bras or the next crappy reality tv show star over on that sidebar might I just direct you to the “email me” link?). But I have to ask – who are you people?

I can officially account for ~30 people that fit into the “guilted into reading my blog” category – this includes most of my close friends, the few family members who have discovered the inter tubes, and the people who sit closest to me at the office. Also known as people who have to read this blog if they want to retain the awesome membership benefits of the “Friends with Brianna” club. Specifically the freshly baked cookies and the in depth powwows about if when a boy says he likes cookies it means he specifically likes the cookies I made or that he just has a sweet tooth OR that he hates cookies but likes me well enough to pretend he likes cookies (best case scenario) OR if he feels obligated to claim a love for cookies simply because I had no pants on when I offered him cookies. And most importantly does this mean that he wants to kiss more? Because I love the kissing even more than cookies. No one wants to miss out on that kind of fun.

I’m guessing there are at least 2 or 3 old high school peers who found this site via MySpace or Facebook and choose to stalk me in the hopes that I will continue to reveal juicy morsels of gossip about my life which they can then pass around town and possibly use to embarrass me should I ever deign to attend a high school reunion (not likely). I generally support this action because on the few occasions when my own personal social network stalking has yielding promising fruit in the form of embarrassing confessions from girls who used to make fun of my hair in 7th grade I have wasted no time calling the 2 people from grade school whom I still speak with to discuss exactly how much more awesome we are than people who made fun of us in junior high (answer: fucking a lot more awesome, thanks). And so, I offer up this tidbit of gossip to the category of “fair is fair” – Even though I probably seem super amazing to the point of verging on perfect when viewed via this blog alone the truth is that my hair still looks like a sheep decided to take a nap on my forehead roughly 65% of the time. But like a smart little self marketing machine I choose not to include pictures of the head flock on the internet.

There are likely at least 5 guys in my readership who I went out on dates with sometime in the last year and who added the blog to their RSS reader in an attempt to get in my pants (good move, this usually works.). But who then either decided my pants looked better on me then on their floor (foolish) or who dropped some deal breaker about a total devotion to astrology or George W or a former girlfriend. And so things didn’t work out but I was kept on the blogroll because my thrice weekly whining will be all the evidence needed to show that they are better off without me. To these boys I say, “Yeah but sometimes I post pictures featuring my boobs and then who’s better off – hmmmm?????” And for every one of these guys who I actually dated I imagine that there is at least one dude who found me on a dating site, started reading the blog and decided that there was no way in hell he was ever asking me out but who keeps the subscription going for the boobies. Hi boys, have I mentioned that I bake cookies A LOT?

And then there are the people who found my blog via your standard Google search and after seeing just how relevant my writing is to their life decided to stick around. Some of the newest members of this group probably include the following:

1. “pictures of my brouther when he was 12 years olf in side if my room

hit # 28 -- I imagine this is mostly due to my matching typo for the word “old” so once again my complete inability to type and/or spell has brought people together. This is truly a gift from god.

2. “I am a woman that always ends up with a crusty substance in my pan

I'm on page 8 and I can't find any links to here but I think we all know that there was a “ties” on the end of this that was cut off by some draconian search term limit (And I say thank god for such fascist rules). I also say to this new reader, "You should probably get that checked out by a doctor because while this blog offers a lot of important services to my readers I am quite happy to say that we offer nothing in the crusty substance category.”

So that’s…. 45 people accounted for and 55 government spies – your tax dollars at work.


ShellyPain said...

I want some cookies!

I think I stumbled on your page a while back and signed up for the feed. Since I'm still getting them I must like them.
Keep at it girl!

wolf said...

I think I followed you here from the Stache (who invited me to join them, BTW.) I like the reading here, so I subscribed.
Hope that's okay. Too bad I've missed all of the boob pics. Apparently I must backread.

amy said...

I call shenanigans on the cookies. You do not cook them a lot- if you do I feel I would be eating more cookies that I did not buy at trader joe's. Unless you're hiding all the cookies.... hmmm....selfish.

abe said...

don't forget us readers of your livejournal syndication account, rndaccessbabble. after finding this while attempting to discern how much crazy blind date is a terrible idea, i concluded the girl + geek + chef combination is pretty entertaining, and all.

i want some cookies too, by the way.

EJ Vincent said...

I think I first started reading after the article on airline service, and have found too many awesome/funny stories to not add this blog to my feeds.

Also, ditto on wanting cookies.

Dee said...

I followed you from the 'stache as well.

God bless the 'stache!

Lisa said...

you ARE a little self marketing machine. that line cracked me up

Brianna said...

Man if I'd had known that calling you people out would result in actual reader identification I'd have done this months ago!

A few things:
Shelly: by "stumbled upon" do you mean that you're the crusty pan(ties) girl? If so -- welcome!
wolf: "boob pics" = pictures of me that are taken from the front so that my boobs are totally in the picture. I'm pretty much always wearing a shirt. sorry.
Amy: I totally make cookies a lot but I usually take them to work to avoid getting too fat. I'll make you some soon if you give me warning about when you're coming over.
abe: I have a livejournal syndication account? wow. maybe i also have like a column in the new yorker and i just don't know about it.
ej: it's been all downhill from there, thanks for sticking around.
dee: seriously god bless the stache, they apparently account for roughly 75% of my readership.
Lisa: someday my personal brand will pay the bills. and by "someday" I mean "in roughly 8 months" and "the bills" i specifically mean "occasionally allow me to buy a candy bar"

Bill Purdy said...

I don't think I fit into any of those categories. I refuse to be pigeonholed!

I found your blog some time ago when I was researching a recipe for ginger ale. I saw the recipe, rejected it for what I wanted to do, but poked around a bit nevertheless. I remember thinking... "hmm, neat blog. Wonder what this chick's like in real life?" Then, like most blogs I come across, I forgot about it.

Then, arbitrarily, I met you in real life. And you got to talking about your blog, and so I checked it out. Again. This time, though, I added your feed to my (very exclusive, naturally) Google Reader subscriptions list. I just don't think I could go on without your wit and wisdom on a semi-regular basis. In fact, I can't imagine how I went on for as long as I did without it.

Tina Vaziri said...

I started reading your blog from Lisa's link to your first date post. And at once I realized that holy crap this woman is the most hilarious EVAH! Since then I have been giggling at your posts regularly.

Alex said...

I fall into the "sit near you at work," although I'm not on the cool side... I was drawn in to read your posts about Movember, and was hooked when I made it in your post on it! :-)

The whole, "Briana might write something funny to use against her later" motivation is there too... ;-)

Anonymous said...

Boobies and cookies?!?

Lisa said...

Got here through Lisa F's blog. Dude, you are HILARIOUS.