Wednesday, July 30, 2008

I Hear They're Making Nicer and Nicer Wigs....

In my life, in addition to the requisite heartache and pain, there have been girls who didn't invite me to their birthday parties, boys who said I smelled bad, bosses who didn't pay me anywhere near enough and at least two people who refuse to recognize the brilliance of my writing but I have had only one true enemy and that is my hair.

I wrote the above sentence months ago and have struggled with a post about my hair ever since -- how could I let such a fabulous intro go to waste? What's more -- How could I deny my readers paragraphs of me whining about HAIR? What could be more thrilling? If any post will get me on the front page of Digg it will be this (Q: what do geeks love more than long diatribes on physical appearance?) (A: Jokes about the Linux kernel).

Living with my hair is like waking up each morning to the task of appeasing a rogue dictator. The official words that I used to describe the beast that rests tauntingly just above my forehead (and which proudly takes credit for most of the forehead wrinkles) are "blond" and "wavy" but I'm not actually comfortable saying either of these things because neither is absolutely true. My hair is only blondish and wavish. I constantly feel like my hair is making a liar out of me -- like people are whispering behind my back about how I'm mouse-y brown and stringy and in deep deep denial.

There are 2 options for my hair post shower -- apply a defuser enabled blow dryer it in hopes that the curls/waves decide to play nice and evenly distribute like a romantic frame around my face (15% success rate) or give up all hope and straightening it which will look exactly the same every time I do it but which will also be kind of boring (95% success rate).

Evil hair stylists are always claiming that if I'd just purchase this $50 bottle of goop I could look so beautiful every single day that people would stop me on the street and offer me free ice cream and wouldn't even care when I got super fat. It is possible that I am just way too lazy and oblivious to judge hair products but I can't say for certain that I notice any discernible difference between say Marc Anthony Curl Lotion or Loreal Springing Curls Mouse or just rubbing excess sunscreen on the ends of my hair. All might lead to a comfortably curly frizz free day and all might cause my head to explode.

"Get a better hair cut!" You naively scream. ("Perhaps one that costs more than $20" you might add as a snotty aside. You're kind of a bitch.). The sad truth is that hair styling as a profession is only one step above televangelism or spray on hair in terms of delivering results (though at $13.95 it might be worth it to just shave my head and start from scratch). Hair stylists are incapable of doing anything to improve the state of affairs north of my eyebrows. I've tried to tell every single one about the elusive wave and temperamental frizz and the results are always the same. They claim I should scrunch it more and use some magic product sold only at their salon and I might even be willing to try such foolishness (despite years of failure) if they had any ability to get me out of the salon looking anywhere near presentable, but every appointment ends with some ridiculous take on prom hair. I also hate getting my hair cut because going to the beauty salon means that I have to have at least one conversation with a beautician.

"So what are you up to tonight? Perhaps we can give you a special do!"

"I have 2 episodes of Baby Borrowers buring a hole in the Tivo... Can you do something that will compliment a tub of Chunky Monkey?").

10 comments:

Sarah said...

Found you through lfar (I think? Can't remember.) Anyway, enjoy your blog!

PS I am trying to submit this comment for the third time. Why is trying to figure out the little letter code picture always beyond me? F or T? I don't know...

WTWTG said...

finally a post I can relate to. I'd say cut it short, bio-ionicks straightener. See marissa for details. Or you could buzz it, I have clippers :)

Jill said...

Okay, if I need to be seen as the snotty bitch here, then so be it - go to a salon that has Bumble and Bumble trained stylists - they are SO GOOD. I mean it. And they're more than $20, so be prepared. I can give you a list of some great people. And they're products are great, too. I really, really mean it!

Kelly said...

I'm still kind of jealous of your hair. I have always wished I had curly hair or straight but not this in between stuff that's neither. But yeah even with having a sister who is a very good beautician and gives me every product known to man I can't tame Martins hair. Good luck with that mop you have ;)

lfar said...

Glory be, that intro was delightful!

Also, yeah, the whole "get a better haircut" thing is a lie. Haircuts made MINOR improvements. We have slightly similar hair. It's rough. (ps though, this $3 gel made by Aussie. Purple squeezy bottle. "Sun touched shine"- NO LIE. Get the kind that says flexible hold, apply to wet hair. Worth $3 to try it, I promise)

amy said...

I always feel like I'm lying when I describe myself as blond too- but whenever I try to describe myself as light brown or golden brown, I get scoffed at.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Woops. Did someone get up with some 'tude this morning?
I laughed out loud TWICE. You're a riot.

kajal said...

I think my haircut helps me. Yes, I'm a bitch. Yes, it's like $65. But try it.

TFGamer said...

I am posting here representing all the straight haired girls who would get perm after perm only to watch their stupid hair drop the entire $200 event the next day (and no we didn't shower!).
I love your hair and am super jealous!
GIMMY!

Elizabeth said...

Really excellent intro. I was hooked immediately. :)