Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Insert Trite Pot Joke Here

Before we begin I feel obligated to warn my readers that this post is about D-R-U-G-S. Or... it's probably about D-R-U-G-S. It could also be about O-R-E-G-A-N-O because since the DARE Program in my elementary school was almost as effective as the "Sex = Babies" lectures I don't know that much about pot.

This evening after work I decided to make a quick stop in the Union Square Whole Foods. This is hilarious because no one has ever got in an out of that store in less than four lifetimes. But I needed fancy plums and some nice cheese and given the paltry food shopping options offered in New York City I had no choice but to swim through the sea of yuppies. Eons later as I waited sweaty and bored for the N train to show itself in the subway station I happened to glance down at my feet (cute shoes!) and notice a tini tiny little ziplock baggie stuffed full of some mystery substance. Now as we all know the only things that come in tini tiny ziplock baggies are jewelry that's purchased at a flea market or on a street corner from an "artist" too cheap to invest in classy gift boxes for his wares and DRUGS.

My thought process went something like this:


Man, I really wanna pick them up -- could it really be real live DRUGS?

What if my 6th grade teacher is hiding in the subway? What if she sees me touching DRUGS. She will be so disappointed. Must resist picking up DRUGS.

What if a cop sees me and can tell it's DRUGS and thinks the DRUGS are mine and arrests me on the spot? Must resist picking up DRUGS.

What if this is a STING? Must resist picking up DRUGS.

Man I could totally blog about this.

So of course I picked the DRUGS up and cleverly hid them in my shopping bag right between the crimini mushrooms and the organic pluots. One might argue that posting on the internet about the DRUGS you just acquired is not the best way to go about avoiding being arrested however, the marijuana now sitting on my kitchen table seems to exist in a legal gray area. Am I breaking the law by possessing these DRUGS that I found? What is the proper thing to do when you spot a baggie of DRUGS on the subway platform? I suppose the right answer is "alert the authorities" but calling in the troops for a sting on enough pot for 5 or so joints seems like a bit of a waste of tax payer resources. Also, calling the cops could have led to missing my train and like any self respecting New Yorker I'm not risking that even to report a murder.

I realized on the subway ride home that I was living the dream of some Phish fan (minus the lack of shower but plus a pungent wedge of Gorgonzola so really it all evens out). Sadly, this dream is going to be crushed, because in addition to the fact that drugs are bad and might turn your brain and/or testicles into a fried and/or smashed egg anything one finds on the subway is 100% FOR SURE smothered in a tangy sauce of rat piss, cockroach droppings and the dried tears of washed up mariachi players/break dancers and ingesting such a combo will kill you. So this pot's future is going to be spent in the NY sewer system which, I'm next to positive, won't seem much different than the floor of the Union Square Subway Station.


Garth said...

"What is the proper thing to do when you spot a baggie of DRUGS on the subway platform?"

Smoke it. Though probably not right there and then on the subway platform. After all, you'd need to buy rollies.

"smothered in a tangy sauce of rat piss, cockroach droppings and the dried tears of washed up mariachi players/break dancers"

It's in a ziplock baggie. Absolutely safe from the aforementioned toxins. I mean, people hide these things up their ass... what's a little rat piss and cockroach droppings?

Anonymous said...

This post is a movie waiting to happen.

themikestand said...

Does this mean your next post will not be:

"Liveblogging the consumption of Subway Ganja"?

I'm so disappointed.

Sky said...

No 4:20 jokes at all??? I am disappointed Brianna.

I agree with Mike, you are willing to go to great lengths to sacrifice yourself for the great good (aka your blog) (come on, we all know that knife didn't just slip...), I think liveblogging on subway ganja is just one of those sacrifices you might need to make.

lfar said...

This would have been my thought process:

That looks like a bag of pot.

That's pretty much my life, though.

Jack said something funny.

Elizabeth said...

I think your blog could be turned into a very excellent TV show. said...

I would like to see an... experiment where you smoke the weed and post at the same time. Highly scientific, of course!
Oh! And don't tell us! Just let us figure it out.

Gillian said...

This totally cracked me up (NO CRACK PUN INTENDED). DRUGS! DRUGS are bad, Bri. I'm glad you flushed them.

Pass me the bourbon.