Signs That Your Episode of 16 and Pregnant is Not Going Well

( A list of for real things that have actually happened on this actual show)

• You’re 16. And pregnant.
• One of the cute-sie comic strips that bracket each commercial break portrays you preggers and smoking.
• While you’re in labor your baby daddy asks you to scoot over because you are taking up the whole hospital bed.
• When your doctor asks if you have any questions about the birth or taking care of the baby your only thought is about how to get rid of stretch marks.
• While you’re in labor your baby daddy gets in a fight with your mom and storms out.
• Someone gets arrested
• Your parents are REALLY HAPPY about the way things are going -- having a child who is having a baby at 16 is basically like winning the lottery to them. This is creepy.*
• Your baby daddy arrives to the birth drunk/hungover
• During the airing of your episode MTV includes 2 PSAs (the standard “Don’t have babies at 16 you idiot!!!” PSA and a bonus “If your boyfriend punches you in the face you should for sure break up.” PSA)
• You’re 16 and pregnant. With twins.

* On that note why have I seen only *ONE* episode where the parents of this knocked up 16 year old are totally bummed out about the whole ordeal? I suppose some parents are applying “fake it til you make it” to grandparenthood and that if a baby is coming clearly you should/will love it but.... still.... If my teenager was birthing out some young-ins I think I’d be a just a tiny bit suicidal/homicidal until at least the day when my cute grandchild shows up.

In Defense of Geeks (Again)

I went to see the fabulous movie The Social Network last Sunday night. I saw the film in Canada (which I like to believe is bedbug free) with a group of 4 friends and our reviews were all positive -- go see the film, it’s great. But after the movie reviews were over a quintessential question emerged: Is Mark Zuckerberg a jerk?

Before we begin the debate: a brief disclaimer: This is not an essay about Mark Zuckerberg the person because I’ve never met him. This is an essay about Mark Zuckerberg the movie character because that dude sat in the back row of my Analysis of Algorithms class, I’ve been on scads of awkward first dates with him, and some days... he is me.

He is not, apparently, my friends (all of whom found him repulsive and annoying). I was shocked because I thought I had mostly self selected a group of super nerds to hang out with. They all work in software, all save one are active Settlers of Catan players. And yet -- Mark haters all of them. It seems that, despite their own geek cred, each had been burned by the surly geek before and was ready to banish him from their lives. As I pondered how my friends were not like me it slowly became clear that back in 1993 I was the only true nerd of the group. All of them had dates for prom, one was a cheerleader, even the most nerd-core among the bunch had to admit that she was a bit of a campus queen in high school. There is no chance that any of these people would have talked to me in 9th grade. For my friends, and for everyone out there who thinks Mark Zuckerberg is a huge asshole, welcome to another edition of what is basically an ongoing series on this blog defending the geeks of the world.

When you’re a smart eight year old and everyone is mean to you at soccer practice your dad will tell you to forget about those kids because you’re so much smarter then them. One day, they’ll see. If you’re anything like me this little grain of pride and spite can sustain you through being pants-ed in the cafeteria, cystic acne, and a Homecoming dance where all of your friends refused to hang out with you because you arrived dateless. But even for the most patient geek waiting for fate to deliver on the “I’ll Show Them!” promise can be tedious.

Enter the young Zuckerberg. He’s annoying. He’s awkward. He’s bitter. But this nerd is not messing around waiting for fate to prove his tormentors wrong. He’s making things happen. He’s doing the geek equivalent of kicking ass and taking names. Mark Zuckerberg is the Terminator of computer hacking and the Robocop of staying up all night drinking Jolt Cola and laying down punishing lines of C++. Action heroes have never spoken to me but I think what I felt while watching The Social Network was the same catharsis that others find in exploding cars and sniper fire. The good guys were winning and they had no shame.

Yes, Mark is kind of a jerk. We never see a young Zuckerberg in 7th grade getting tossed into a locker but I don’t think it’s overly presumptuous to assume that taking his share of noogies and wedgies is at least partially responsible for his persistent attitude problem. I also don’t need to see him lying on a shrink’s couch to accept the implied Asperger’s Syndrome diagnosis. I’m not at all surprised that the smart kid was tormented to the point of feeling a need to prove his self worth. I’m glad his weapon of choice was lines of code and not a gun. Despite his abrasive exterior I can’t bring myself to dislike Mark in the role of rags to riches geek superhero.

(Incidentally while I can’t bring myself to hate Zuckerberg I can almost bring myself to hate Sean Parker. But not totally, because even if he is the jerk that the movie makes him out to be he’s still a smart jerk and he’s still right -- he brought down the (evil) record industry. He also won by somehow convincing studio heads to cast Justin Timberlake to play him despite the fact that no one has ever accused Parker of bringing sexy back, not even a nerd fetishist like myself.)

Can anyone really blame a guy for screwing the Winklevie of the world? They’re not only good looking, popular and arrogant but they’re rich! Isn’t screwing them every geek’s dream? It has certainly been mine. There are a lot of stupid jerks in positions of power many of whom have prospered by hiding their idiocy and mean-spirtedness behind toothy grins and firm handshakes. As a former geek who somehow managed to (mostly?) grow out of her awkward stage I wouldn’t mind cutting some slack to the smart jerks (especially the smart jerks with a genetic disorder that at least partially accounts for their jerkiness).

The other day I received the following blog comment (on this post): “You are an idiot and your blog is sooo boring and shows you are not so smart but think you are because you like computers and ironic t-shirts.” It’s true. I think I’m so smart. And sometimes I think this excuses me from being a jerk. Just like Mark Zuckerberg seems to think that being smart and successful somehow excuses him from being a complete asshole to his friend Eduardo. Obviously, we’re both wrong. I think the most revealing scene in The Social Network is when Eduardo’s lawyer tries to make a point about the $18,000 plus an additional $1000 that Eduardo had invested in The Facebook after which Mark makes a huge todo out of checking this simple math. Mark can only see the lawyer as a tormentor and his only tool for dealing with a tormentor is to make a show of just how smart he is and how stupid she is. The scene is funny because for a moment it feels like this is another instance of the geeks winning. The scene is sad because Mark can’t hold back his flippant response even if it means further distancing himself from his only friend.

There are a lot of reason why I didn’t grow up to be Mark Zuckerberg. Firstly, I’m not smart enough. Most importantly I don’t have Asperger’s Syndrome. And I’m also not 19 years old anymore, neither is Mark. Perhaps we were both huge jerks at the end of adolescence but hopefully adulthood will let us set aside our bitterness and find sympathy for our tormentors (both real and perceived). Hopefully, as adults, we’ll overcome the disorder or personality trait that keeps us from expressing gratitude and love. After all, we won. We have cool jobs, we go on fabulous trips, we can do lots of complicated math problems. Hopefully we’re both much happier than we were freshman year of college.There’s not much to be gained by being a sore winner.

Kids These Days are Totally Not Gay

I found out recently that Kids These Days (particular KTDs who are dudes) are keeping up the grand tradition of making sure everyone knows that they are totally into chicks without letting go of the more recent tradition of "giving props" through the invention of the phrase "No homo." This is not a new development, apparently its been popular in hip hop for years but I'm assuming that my readers, like myself, are too old and uncool to listen to anything other than the occasional instrumental break on NPR so my making fun of it here will still feel witty and fresh.

So, a brief lesson in being 16 in 2009. Let's say you're a young dude and you really dig the hoodie that another young dude is wearing but you are very insecure about your sexuality and fear that any compliment given to a member of the same gender could be misinterpreted as a sexual overture that would most likley result in the other dude ripping your clothing off because (as everyone knows) you are super hot despite your chicken legs and face full-o-zits and thus all gay dudes totally cannot wait to get with you. Worry not, the phrase "No Homo." has your back(side). "Yo dawg that is a bitchen' sweatshirt. No homo." See? your boy feels good about his fashion choices without having to wonder/worry that you might be lusting after his sweet 16 year old behind. Brilliant.

Despite the overt homophobic tone of No Homo the communication concept itself is genius and applicable to millions of social situations where one needs to qualify a statement. In the spirit of No Homo I bring you the top 10 No Homo inspired qualifiers.

Just to Clarify

10. Tempah is really growing on me. No veggie.
9. In Italy we visited the Vatican, the architecture was beautiful. No Catholic.
8. I like your jacket "Thanks, its Prada but no richie, it was on sale"
7. I've just started brewing my own beer. No Alchie.
6. I'll take a scotch on the rocks for my boyfriend and just a soda for me. No preggers.
5. I think Miley Cyrus is really hot. No pedo.
4. I could totally kick your ass at Risk. No geek.
3. The reverse no homo (for the macho gay dude): I can totally change the oil in your car! No breeder.
2. I bought the most killer tiedyed shirt at last night's Phish concert! No stoner.
1. This sauerbraten is delicious. No Nazi

Special thanks to G, Sky, Lisa and Mike for all of there hilarious help with this post!

Move Over Bacon

Bacon is over. It was fun a few years ago when the world first discovered the novelty of adding bacon to everyday foods but it's 2009 and bacon has officially jumped the shark. Searching for "bacon" on youtube yields 22,100 results. a Google search results in 45,700,000 hits. There is bacon chocolate, bacon brittle, bacon ice cream, bacon fried steak, bacon bacon burgers, bacon bandaides, a bacon tiara... I have even found numerous web pages suggesting one fashion a bacon condom, have sex and then... make breakfast. Enough.

I don't dislike bacon. It's salty and sweet and meaty. It makes a good addition to most foods. It's cheap. It's fun to eat. it's meat candy. I KNOW. But seriously -- it's way overdone. Its gotten to the point where every wannabe foodie in America has given up on actual creativity in favor of stacking bacon on top of any old crap and calling it genius. It is all but impossible for me to meet any new bacon application with anything other than a roll of the eyes. It's time for a new food king; a new condiment to rule them all; a new bacon.

Obviously the new bacon needs to be tasty but taste alone will not be enough for our new ultimate additive. Bacon is ubiquitous because it is a pretty snazzy little food and its replacement will have to be equally exceptional. Bacon 2.0 will need to be as appealing atop a burger as it is mixed into ice cream. It will need to be cheap and prevalent enough that most Americans can easily afford to experiment. And, perhaps most importantly and certainly most elusively, it will have to have a certain flair. People like bacon because adding it to food serves as a big fuck you to doctors, vegetarians, that muscle-y guy in the gym, cholesterol and every other flag waver in our diet conscious society. They may have thin thighs and a long life span but we have smoked pork belly! Piling on the bacon gives people the little adrenaline rush of being naughty and its replacement has to give us a similar spark of rebellion (without really risking all that much, I'm leaving out contenders that might actually kill you, sorry blowfish).

And so without further ado I bring you the foods that might save us all from frat boys, bloggers and lazy chefs waving around strips of bacon like the checkered flag in the Digg Bait 500.

Tabasco

Tabasco is already one of those foods that showoffs turn to less for flavor than for bravado yet I think it has a lot of untapped potential to bring the party to new foods. I'm especially intrigued by the idea of sweet tobasco preparations. The torrid love affair between chili and chocolate has already been well established by the likes of Jacque Torres but I want to try tobasco creme brulee. Another advantage is that tobasco is cheap and can be added to almost anything with a simple shake of the bottle (no actually purchasing or cutting up of chilies required). Sadly, liquids are at a bit of a disadvantage in this competition if only because no one will ever be able to fashion a Tobasco bra unless they hunt down the actual chilies and a girl with especially callous nipples.

Gorgonzola Cheese


I know everyone has wet panties for pork fat but I'll take cheese over pig any day. (Did I just use cheese, pork and a reference to my panties in the same sentence? Yes. Sexy, right?). Gorgonzola also has the bonus of being a strong flavor that can probably hold up any dish, I've had it both on a burger and bathed in honey and loved each dish equally. I am excited about the possibility of gorgonzola ice cream and gorgonzola chocolate truffles, but somehow gorgonzola doesn't have the hype of some of the other contenders. Despite being fattening and flavorful and badass-y (you're eating mold!) I can't really see chefs and foodies getting into an uproar over the concept of blue cheese slathered all over breakfast lunch and dinner.

Chicken Schmaltz

Like bacon, schmaltz is cheap peasant fare made up almost entirely of fat. It certainly has the flavor profile to elbow itself into the starring role in any dish it enters but I'm not sure the flavor is really that easy to marry to other food. Not even my adventurous stomach feels ready for the likes of chicken fat ice cream and I'm not even sure that I'm that interested in a schmaltz burger. Also, you'd pretty much have to make schmaltz at home and most of us are way too lazy to do that.

Bourbon

Like tobasco, bourbon suffers from the sin of being liquid. That said I think bourbon is well positioned to take over -- it has a strong, easily identifiable flavor that tastes great with sweet or savory preparations and high cholesterol has nothing on alcoholism when it comes to badassness.





Duck Confit

Duck confit might be most able to compete with bacon for the title of "food most likely to serve as the catalyst for a coronary indecent." since it actually comes enshrined in a shiny coating of rendered duck fat. It's also the ingredient that I'm most intrigued with from an experimentation perspective -- duck confit mac and cheese? yes. duck confit and eggs? yes. duck confit donut? YES. I do worry a bit that duck doesn't have the flavor punch of bacon -- it would taste great in almost anything but doesn't assert itself in a way that inspires total devotion. I also expect people to argue that duck confit is too fancy pants to be considered easily accessible but I was able to walk into a corner grocery and buy a leg for $6.99 (This may be easier to do in NYC than Iowa City but I assure you that New York is often no prize winner when it comes to exceptional grocery stores ). However, duck confit also has the extra cache of being French and is there anything more rebellious than loving the French?


So who wins? Whose combo of flavor and flair reigns supreme? Personally I like anything enshrined in fat almost as much as I like pissing off people in Alabama with my love for the French so I gotta go duck confit but I'm open to being schooled in the comments.

Got Vampire Sex? No.

Vampire Porn spoiler alert.

The Twilight books contain no sex. This is especially shocking because the books are essentially paragraph after paragraph of foreplay with a little blood letting mixed in for spice.

I'm only half way through book four but let me summarize the plot for those of you who are not drooling over the books between multiple viewing of High School Musical 3:

Angst. Mope. Oh Hottie. Ahh Vampire! Mmmmm Vampire! Love. Love. Love. Love. TRAGEDY. Depression. Doom. Whining. Angst. LOVE. Love. Maybe they'll get it on. Love. Love. Minor scary bit. Survived! Totally time for sex now. LOVE. Oh. I see we're going to be all chivalrous about the pootang. FINE. Wedding. Yawn. OK SEXY TIME IS NOW. Skinny dipping! HERE COMES THE BOOTY! Morning After. Wait.... let me go back a page. wtf? W? T? F? I WANT MY NAUGHTY VAMPIRE SMUT!

Now obviously I was super upset to find out that the books would be skipping over all of the good stuff, but mostly I was worried about the children. I know we usually give all of the hormone credit to teenage boys, but naughty girls need love too. And while the lads have Hustler and The Girls Next Door and looking up "fine art" in the encyclopedia, lassies are left with far fewer options for scratching the hormonal itch, so I think it's especially cruel for these books to be such a cunt tease.

I may be 30 years old, but I promise you that I am very in touch with the pulse of adolescence. A friend once even told me that I was perpetually 15 years old and, though this is the biggest insult ever and a curse worse than death, it makes me uniquely qualified to speak on behalf of teenage girls everywhere in the following letter to Stefanie Meyers, the author of the Twilight series:

Dear Stef,

I am 14 years old. My life already sucks A LOT. I have acne and braces and all of the boys in my school are losers. My parents have installed Net Nanny™ on the family computer. It will be at least 4 years until I go off to college where, god willing, no one will ever find out that my mom still only buys me Barbie panties because college boys are way too mature to pants someone in the lunch line. If they even have lunch lines in college which they probably do not because everyone is too busy drinking coffee and writing poetry to care about tater tots. Anyways. All I wanted. Nay, all I NEEDED to get me through high school was a little sweet vicarious vampire loving. Why must you deny me this you evil Mormon harpy?

Sincerly,
Every 14 Year Old Girl In America (except the slutty ones)

But this letter speaks not only for the girl next door but for the girl next door to 1601 Pennsylvania Ave. According to US Weekly, Barack is reading Twilight with his daughters. I'm going to ignore the fact that this is the single creepiest thing since Purity Balls and just say that I am 100% certain that Barack does not want to have to teach his little girl about the vampire loving and that he would be super happy if Ms. Meyer's would just do that for him. Unfortunately, she hates freedom.

Certain that there were some patriotic perverts out on the web, I did what any independent adult with unfettered access to the internet would do. I began searching for fan fiction. Surely someone had taken care of Meyer's oversight with a little vampire P in the human V short story action and perhaps my good deed of the millennium could be distributing this smut to junior high students nationwide. So I sorted through every Twilight themed entry on the Adult Fan Fic site (putting myself at great risk of spoiling the ending of book four I might note). There were werewolf on vampire stories, group vampire orgy stories, vampires as cowboy lover stories and even one vampire on Hogwarts entry. (I AM NOT KIDDING ). But apparently NO ONE has thought to write the most obvious and necessary of all perverted internet content: hot young virgin gets more than bitten.

And so I say, Internet Perverts, This is your big chance to do what Ms. Meyers could not! The Twilight movie comes out today, this shit is about to go VIRAL and you could ride its coat tails. Get to ye olde keyboard and start typing up that smut because I promise you that whomever can capture the passion of "Edward and Bella: Horizontal Feasting" will be the most famous creepy dude on the tubes. You might even get a cabinet post.

The Right Stuff

I went to the New Kids On The Block show last night not because I have any desire to relive 1991 (which, I believe, was the year Adam V said I would never have a boyfriend because I smelled bad (not true.)) but because the new kids reunion sounded as plausible and as awesome as riding the subway sans pants.

I don't remember my junior high years as being particularly New Kids heavy but perhaps I am just repressing my fandom out of a sense of self preservation since last night I had zero trouble remembering all of the words to "Didn't I Blow Your Mind this Time (Didn't I?)." In fact, I was so moved that I may even write a response number called "Obviously You Did (My Soaking Panties are Proof)." The band was.... good? I don't know. It was certainly the most *enjoyable* concert I've been to in forever but that's probably mostly because they kept doing crazy shit like wearing more than one hat at once or wondering out loud why so few dudes accompanied their woman to the show or PULLING DOWN THEIR PANTS. In comparison to NKOTB he majority of concerts I attend are seriously lacking in smokin' dance moves, pyrotechnics and spinning stages and while I obviously enjoy swaying wistfully to Dar Williams or bobbing my head to the Magnetic Fields I'm starting to wonder if in all my college radio coolness I've seriously missed out on the real concert gold. Perhaps I should work a little harder for tickets to Miley or the Jonas Brothers.

In other news: I have been cautiously trying out the world of twitter (and tumblr) and spent much of last night's concert obsessively poking at my iphone expressing my shock and awe to the 4 people who bother to follow me there so if you want a play by play check out my tweets! For those of you too lazy (or technophobic) to click over to twitter here are the highlights:

1. The video homage to "those we've lost" since the last time New Kids took the stage this included not only a disproportionate number of NKOTB family members (do I smell a deal with the devil?) but also shout outs to Tupac and Kurt Cobain both of whom I'm sure were so honored to be part of the New Kids concert experience that they plan on rising from the dead to personally thank the "band"

2. The (I believe new) song in which Joey and a choir of black people encourage the listeners to have high self esteem. Those of us who paid $50 for nose bleed seats to see a boy band from 1991 even though we are 30 years old especially appreciated this attempt to distract us from reality.

Jerry! Jerry!... Kermit is That You?

I like two kind of television -- really well written interesting shows that win awards (Lost, Big Love, etc) and really awful bottom of the barrel fare that one should likely be embarrassed by. Luckily, I long ago embraced my love for a good train wreck. When I was a teen my ideal way to spend a teacher in service day was lying on my parent's water bed (bowchicabowwow) with the remote in hand flipping between talk shows. I was a fan of Geraldo, Sally Jesse, Maury and Montel but my greatest admiration was reserved for the king of klansmen marrying pregnant vampire trannies: Mr. Jerry Springer. My preoccupation with chair throwing rednecks continued through college when I sucked my housemates into late night Jerry-a-thons (and where we noticed that one particularly ugly long blue polyester sleeveless dress was practically vying with Steve for costar status as it appeared on guest after guest) but college was an long eight years ago and after graduation I left behind not only mixing rum with powdered iced tea and decorating with tapestries but also my good friend Jerry. A few weeks ago when I discovered that my 19 year old cousin had a disturbing devotion to Springer I decided to revisit his show.

The episode begins with this alert: "Warning: The Jerry Springer Show may contain adult themes or strong language. Parents are cautioned that this program may not be suitable for children." MAY? Seriously Jerry I think you can safely promise an adult hour full of curse words that kiddies should not be allowed to hear. During the 15 or so seconds when this warning is on the screen viewers ears are treated to the comforting lull of a toilet flushing. Just a precursor of the classiness to come.

Now officially warned we open with the familiar chants of "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" and a series of scenes from shows of yore. Jerry starts things off with a quote from a 1991 show, "we can even talk without punching each other out." Aw Jer -- you sentimental fool. In '92 people hit each other with chairs, same in '93. in '94 there is punching and women in tapestry patterned vests, in 1995 a food fight, repeated in 96 with someone dumping a 5 gallon bucked of spaghetti on a woman in a bridal gown. 1997 stars a klansman throwing a stool at the audience. In '98 Jerry appears in a neck brace. '99 a fist fight. 2000 a man without legs walking around on his hands. 2001 a man wearing only a refrigerator box and a mop-like wig chasing down a navy blue 70s era car. 2002 a woman ripping off her shirt. 2003 revisits the food fight this time I think chocolate cake is involved. Food being flung again in 2004, and, in a nod to healthy eating trends, we're having salad. Again a bride is faced with an avalanche of food in '05. My god apparently the last 5 years of Jerry have been all food fights all the time -- in 06 we see some dude essentially breakdancing in smashed leftovers. 2007 has a very obese woman with a man's head tattooed on her forearm who is possibly.... eating a mans foot? or maybe kissing his feet? All I know for sure is that there is no food being flung. Annnnnd now it's 08 and the show is starting and Jerry is entering the stage via a fireman's pool while bathed in red light and fog.

THAT WAS JUST THE INTRO.

I took notes on the entire hour long episode with the intention of this post being a sort of Jerry Springer live blog but... it's too much! The problem with live blogging Springer is that, unlike almost everything else in the world, I am incapable of improving the humor level via snide commentary. Springer is my kryptonite. Springer stands alone. I don't believe that the Jerry Springer show is real. I don't even really believe that the Oprah show is real (the Tyra show is probalby also fake but I so badly want to believe...). The thing is once you accept the show as a total fabrication it becomes crazy fucking awesome.

The title of today's episode is "On top of Old Smokey" I will now take a moment to hypothesize on what this might mean. I'm guessing... something about burley bearish gay men who are secretly bottoms? Guess again. The theme is actually, "Living a double life has finally caught up with me." kind of yawn worthy in comparison -- I should get a job making up Springer themes. The first guest is named Smokey so I think it's safe to say that someone is getting on top of his ass before the hour is out. As expected the episode has fighting and pixelated boobs and wigs ripped from heads and, shockingly, only one on top of Olde Smokey joke. But this is not news -- this is standard issue Jerry and no one is really impressed anymore. But I am happy to report that the folks over at Jerry Springer HQ are still, over 10 years in, thinking outside of the polyamorous sumo wrestler amputee box.

So the show starts and Smokey is sitting there telling us about his 2 womens blah blah blah... then the camera pulls away to reveal the most awesome thing ever: a mini-stage in the background with 2 puppets on it -- one a blond girl with huge fuzzy puppet implants and the other an old man complete with mountain man full gray beard. THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW HAS PUPPETS! Oh man. As Jerry tries to get to the bottom of the story (Smokey apparently lives with both woman, one is his baby mama, etc) the puppets in the background "react" mostly by holding their heads in their hands and shaking in shame -- Smokey makes puppets cry. When Jerry makes a sad attempt at a joke he gets a budump-ba drum sound effect and the puppets guffaw uncontrollably. When we return from the third commercial break Old Man puppet has been replaced with young black girl puppet -- I suspect old man puppet had had enough of these crazy kids and went off to the senior center to have lunch and maybe play a round of bocce with the ladies. Later, when a fight breaks out between the girlfriends the puppets can be seen in the background acting out the entire performance. The puppets are my new favorite TV personalities (take that Holly, Bridget and Kendra). Would that I had the kind of muse that came to me with ideas like "we should get some puppets to reenact the action as it takes place on stage and one of the puppets should probably be a stereotypical Italian dude in a bikini." I predict in 5 years all studio audiences will be replaced with puppets -- Jerry is more than half way there since for some reason there is a dummy in the audience -- he appears to be wearing a Che Guevara shirt (I am not kidding.) and he is never acknowledged.

As the show's main segment comes to a close Smokey claims to "put the mac in macdaddy" and one of the girls attacks him again with her huge blurry boobs. Jerry encourages the girls to force Smokey to choose and Girlfriend #1 agrees but then claims that she didn't understand what Jerry was asking of her. At this admission the audience demands a translator and they bring up some Latino show staff dude and he starts translating to Spanish. Shockingly this 400lb black woman does not speak Spanish. For the remainder of the segment (at least 5 minutes) the translator continues translating everything said on stage including "I don't bleeping speak Spanish!" Then Jerry points out that the puppets are demonstrating the fight between the two girlfriend and Smokey furthers the demo by putting his arms around the puppets and claiming them both as belonging to him.

And that's pretty much it -- Jerry '08 is talk show meets the twilight zone and then somehow takes sharp left at Sesame Street. It is totally worth tivoing. Until next time... Take care of yourselves and each other.

This is entry is cross posted at Burt Reynold's Mustache