Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Kids These Days are Totally Not Gay

I found out recently that Kids These Days (particular KTDs who are dudes) are keeping up the grand tradition of making sure everyone knows that they are totally into chicks without letting go of the more recent tradition of "giving props" through the invention of the phrase "No homo." This is not a new development, apparently its been popular in hip hop for years but I'm assuming that my readers, like myself, are too old and uncool to listen to anything other than the occasional instrumental break on NPR so my making fun of it here will still feel witty and fresh.

So, a brief lesson in being 16 in 2009. Let's say you're a young dude and you really dig the hoodie that another young dude is wearing but you are very insecure about your sexuality and fear that any compliment given to a member of the same gender could be misinterpreted as a sexual overture that would most likley result in the other dude ripping your clothing off because (as everyone knows) you are super hot despite your chicken legs and face full-o-zits and thus all gay dudes totally cannot wait to get with you. Worry not, the phrase "No Homo." has your back(side). "Yo dawg that is a bitchen' sweatshirt. No homo." See? your boy feels good about his fashion choices without having to wonder/worry that you might be lusting after his sweet 16 year old behind. Brilliant.

Despite the overt homophobic tone of No Homo the communication concept itself is genius and applicable to millions of social situations where one needs to qualify a statement. In the spirit of No Homo I bring you the top 10 No Homo inspired qualifiers.

Just to Clarify

10. Tempah is really growing on me. No veggie.
9. In Italy we visited the Vatican, the architecture was beautiful. No Catholic.
8. I like your jacket "Thanks, its Prada but no richie, it was on sale"
7. I've just started brewing my own beer. No Alchie.
6. I'll take a scotch on the rocks for my boyfriend and just a soda for me. No preggers.
5. I think Miley Cyrus is really hot. No pedo.
4. I could totally kick your ass at Risk. No geek.
3. The reverse no homo (for the macho gay dude): I can totally change the oil in your car! No breeder.
2. I bought the most killer tiedyed shirt at last night's Phish concert! No stoner.
1. This sauerbraten is delicious. No Nazi

Special thanks to G, Sky, Lisa and Mike for all of there hilarious help with this post!


Brad said...

Ok, I love your variations on the phrase, but I have to wonder if the phrase is even real.

First, if all of the cool young(ish) hip-hoppers use this phrase, it would already be in my vocabulary.

Second, it sounds like something some kids made up to tell to yuppie hipsters as a joke. You know, something you'd tell a lamestain from the tom-tom club (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grunge_speak).

In conclusion, hilarious.

Dean said...

sounds like Dave the lighting guy from Orgazmo:

Dave: I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think Depeche Mode is a sweet band!

Dave: Dude, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think you got a hot ass!

Dave: Hey, I don't wanna sound like a queer or nothin', but I think unicorns are kick ass!

Dave: I don't want to sound like a queer or nothin', but I'd kinda like to make love to you tonight.

Gillian said...


themikestand said...

Thanks for the props. Awesome post. "No pedo" had me rolling.

Aunt Karen, no geezer said...

Absolutely hilarious!!

Dan said...

The Urban Dictionary page for "no homo" lists Tony Romo as a synonym. Hahahahaha.

HalfAsstic.com said...

Hey! NPR rocks...

GANGBOX said...


Trust me, NO HOMO is real - and it's been popular for about 3 years now.

No Homo has been popular for 4 years in Harlem, where I live, because local rappers Dipset invented the phrase.

You see, Dipset were fond of wearing matching all pink outfits, with lavender capes in the summer and pink fur coats in the winter.

And they all drove pink cars.

For some curious reason, people were always accusing them of being gay (I wonder why?)

So, Dipset rapper Juelz Santana came up with the phrase "No Homo" to "prove" that he is "NOT-GAY!!!!"

The rest of Dipset adopted No Homo - and used the phrase incessantly, even while they driving around in their pink cars, wearing their pink clothing and lavender capes (NO HOMO!)

The phrase was adopted by local insecure teenage boys ("man, I like your kicks* NO HOMO!")

And the rest is history (NO HOMO)

[*Kicks = "sneakers']