Sunday, December 09, 2007

'Tis the Season for an Immaculate Conception

Warning: The following post makes reference to a certain biological process that happens to women. If you are a squeamish boy (especially if you are a squeamish boy who works with me) you may want to consider the back button your friend.

I have had roughly 80 pregnancy scares over the course of my 29 years. Most of these occurred before I actually participated in the key activity that causes pregnancy. As a teenager I did not consider this sure fire proof that I was not with child because it seemed likely that God would totally deal out an immaculate conception willy nilly just to ruin my life. I already knew for a fact that the big man hated me because I was already cursed with incredibly weak nails, parents who insisted on talking with me honestly about S-E-X (there is no scarier phrase than “Well, your father and I…”) and an inability to hide my gift for math.

You see health class made me crazy. In addition to the joys of carrying around 10lbs of flour dressed up in a frilly pink dress health class also taught me all of the following:

  1. Drugs are bad.
  2. Getting pregnant is incredibly easy, it could happen at any moment and it will RUIN EVERYTHING.
  3. You should get your magical girl visit once ever 28 days because women are somehow linked to the cycles of the moon, just like werewolves.
  4. If you do not get your magical girl visit by day 28.5 you’re probably having bastard triplets.

Here are some things that are actually true

  1. A LOT of girls in my high school got pregnant.
  2. You have to have sex to get pregnant and the sex usually needs to involve 2 people
  3. Some girls (who are obsessed with schedules and things being on time and who also have a primal fear of pregnancy and who also shall remain nameless) actually get their special friend once every 45 or so days (some special friends are not very prompt).
  4. 1+2+3 = FREAKING OUT

This is how things usually go down.

Day 26: Begin expecting visitor in case she’s early

Day 28, 12:15am: No visitor. Try not to panic.

Day 29: Remind self 15 times that it takes two to make a baby

Day 32: Admire cute baby outfit in window of store, consider buying it in an attempt to look on the bright side because clearly I am pregnant.

Day 34: Have little chat with God about more appropriate wombs to host the second coming.

Day 37: Wake up hyperventilating. Decide this is probably not good for the baby, try to calm down.

Day 40: Mix some whiskey into my coffee. Take that baby.

Day 43: Begin adopting pregnancy posture (wide stance, leaning back slightly, hand resting on belly)

Day 45: Oh right. Hi, totally not pregnant. Woo.

And then one day I went on the pill. The pill is magic. Suddenly I had special friend visits scheduled down to the hour! It was amazing. (I wish they made a pill that could make people this prompt then I could slip into drinks all over town.) But last month I forgot to refill my prescription and now? Let’s just say I’m lucky to be in a dry spell or I might have already gotten out Missy Flourbag for a little mommy practice.

8 comments:

Lisa said...

This post is brilliantly titled! Also you high school health class very very well, haha

Stephanie said...

Too funny! Loved this post. And weird as it is, I have NEVER had a pregnancy scare. Oh yeah, and I DO have sex.

kp said...

I too, love the title. You should stop worrying that you're pregnant...b/c given your rack, I know you'll have some serious pain when the pregnant hormones kick in...and when you feel that...WORRY.

Peter DeWolf said...

I'm a little squeamish... but that wasn't bad!

Of course, I read it with my hand almost covering my eyes.

Tina Vaziri said...

Too funny! Being overly worried is at least better than being careless!

wolf said...

Funniest thing I've read in days, and I'm a (somewhat) squeamish boy. Good stuff!

themikestand said...

Just so you know, pregnancy scares don't just scare the women-folk. I, too, was a high schooler who figured he'd eventually become a "statistic", even though I was well out of high school before I engaged in such risky behaviour.

srah said...

When I was in high school and not having sex, I once went a whole summer without getting a period. I started to convince myself that I had been impregnated in my sleep without my knowledge.