Wednesday, December 19, 2007

This Should Cost me a Few Readers

During the holiday season I like to reflect upon just how awesome it is not to have a religion. If it weren't for atheism I might have to waste value present wrapping and cookie eating time in church or (even worse) reviewing and possibly questioning my life choices. That would suck. Being a godless heathen allows me to enjoy the commercialism of the holidays (in particular when DeBeers reminds us that if you only bought some diamonds you could avoid talking to your wife for an entire year.) with none of the “Jesus is the Reason” guilt, the naked dancing with none of the having to use the word skyclad, the hamburger topped with blue cheese and bacon and shrimp and the heart attack that follows (and most of all the medical expertise that will laugh in religion’s face and save my life).

When family and friends fail to bring me the xmas gift of my dreams (a Wii and an advanced copy of Spore delivered by a naked Jack White – get on that.) I don’t have to question if this is God sending me a message about the evils of greed and I don’t have to feel bad for kind of hating everyone for like 5 minutes and I also don’t have to repent when the lack of video games to distract me leads directly to spending my evenings swimming in impure thoughts. With Atheism all of these sins are met with a shrug. Unlike most gods atheism accepts me as I am (already perfect).

Atheism is also the lazy girl’s best friend. In addition to not expecting me to read some verbose tome or get out of bed early on a Sunday (the day after Saturday aka the day I am most likely to do something that will make it impossible to get out of bed early the next morning) Atheism makes no demands on followers to convert others to our way of thinking. In fact Atheism would prefer to remain the religion equivalent of the band no one really likes as this allows followers to feel superior to nonfollowers which is one of the main tenants of the faith. In other ways that Atheism rocks:

  • I don’t have to pretend that Easter is the best holiday when clearly painted eggs and candy cannot compete with presents
  • I get to watch Harry Potter movies in peace

Frankly most gods remind me of a very oppressive boyfriend and I’m happy to avoid having the awkward break up conversation (“Hey god, I’m not that into you. Beards don’t really do much for me. Let’s just be friends. And also? You’re kind of a jerk.”).

Ok, I know what you’re thinking – Atheism has a clear downside in the form of uncomfortably high temperatures, the constant smell of rotten eggs and (one assumes) being forced to watch Everybody Loves Raymond on a never ending loop. I am, of course, talking about the burning in hell that occupies my outlook calendar from 2072-eternity (“Brianna will be out of the office with no access to email for the rest of time however if your question is sufficiently annoying we might be able to work it into her torture routine, please send inquiries to RaymondLover@hades.net”). I say small price to pay for getting to enjoy things like lust, gluttony and sloth. And frankly, I think any God who allows a writers strike to jeopardize my TV viewing schedule for upwards of two months hasn’t really earned my love anyway.

8 comments:

themikestand said...

Oh, man! You totally scooped my afterlife email address. I guess I'll have to be raymondlover73@hades.net.

Also, you'll probably have to read some other verbosity in hell. Like the co-authored biography of both presidents Bush (hopefully there won't be another by the time we're toasty warm.)

Stephanie said...

I LOVE this post! Some members of my family are "born again" Christians and the nonsense I had to listen to when the first Harry Potter movie came out - my god!

Also, not a huge fan of getting up early on Sunday mornings. And showering. I'd rather just lay in my bed of sin with my boyfriend and participate in fornication.

Peter DeWolf said...

You really are going to hell.

And you'd be lucky to get Everybody Loves Raymond.

It is going to be all Family Guy, all the time.

doogs said...

I was going to guess Facts of Life, or maybe Golden Girls.

wolf said...

Am I the only one who tried putting www.hades.net into my browser?

Tina Vaziri said...

Freakin' hilare! I am thankful for my godless heathenistic ways too, thank you for putting it into words for me.

Dee said...

It might gain you some, too :D

Brianna said...

Mike: I suspect that in the co-author situation one author will be writing substantially more than the other...

stephanie: sin is ALWAYS the more appealing choice.

peter: but the family guy has seth green!

doogs: the golden girls is ART. do not diss Rose.

wolf: see? no reason to be religious :)

tina: i'm happy to be the voice of heathenry (heatheness?) anytime.

dee: once again sin delivers the goods.