Monday, August 06, 2007

Mayor Bloomberg reports for jury duty


I hope they offer free wifi in the Manhattan Court System so that you can review my tips for getting out of this mess. I realize that it may be difficult for you to finagle your way out of this all too painful civic duty considering that doing so may negatively effect your presidential aspirations (come on, we all know you wanna stick it to Hillary and McCain, get out there and ruin the election for everyone!). I think it's clear that mocking the justice system would be too dangerous for you so I've put together a few Mike specific ways to duck out.

  1. "I'm a Democrat! Just kidding, I'm a Republican!" Clearly your decision making abilities are not up to the high standards of our justice system.
  2. Encourage lawyers to hold out for more titillating jury members: "Other high-profile New Yorkers who have been called to serve over the years include Spike Lee, Woody Allen, Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick, Barbara Walters, Conan O'Brien, news anchor Ann Curry, singer Roseanne Cash, sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer."
  3. Court House not on express train route and does not offer sufficient parking for your huge fleet of SUVs.

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