Mayor Bloomberg reports for jury duty

Mike,

I hope they offer free wifi in the Manhattan Court System so that you can review my tips for getting out of this mess. I realize that it may be difficult for you to finagle your way out of this all too painful civic duty considering that doing so may negatively effect your presidential aspirations (come on, we all know you wanna stick it to Hillary and McCain, get out there and ruin the election for everyone!). I think it's clear that mocking the justice system would be too dangerous for you so I've put together a few Mike specific ways to duck out.

1. "I'm a Democrat! Just kidding, I'm a Republican!" Clearly your decision making abilities are not up to the high standards of our justice system.
2. Encourage lawyers to hold out for more titillating jury members: "Other high-profile New Yorkers who have been called to serve over the years include Spike Lee, Woody Allen, Sarah Jessica Parker, Matthew Broderick, Barbara Walters, Conan O'Brien, news anchor Ann Curry, singer Roseanne Cash, sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer."
   
3. Court House not on express train route and does not offer sufficient parking for your huge fleet of SUVs.
   

How To Get Out Of Jury Duty

The title of this post is a flagrant attempt to draw Google hits, I’m fairly confident that “How to get out of jury duty” will prove even more popular than “naked girls next door” but I may be seriously underestimating the number of 13 year old boys on the internet. After Thursday’s painful trudge through the halls of justice I returned on Friday to continue my attempts to prove that I was not at all suited for the role of decider on matters other than, “Do V-neck make my boobs look hot?” (yes, always) “Does this recipe have too much butter?” (Not even possible!) and “Do programmers *really* need sleep?” (Sadly, yes.).

Unsurprisingly, much of the questioning on day two focused on my annoying beliefs that independently gathering information to assist in making an informed decision was generally a good idea and that the internet houses a few valuable and accurate pieces of information hidden amongst the gigabytes of lies. The lawyers were insistent that all important information would be given to me at the trial and that any googling I did would result in hit after hit of inaccurate information (“Not everything you read on the internet is true.” “Nor is everything you hear in a court room.”). We debated the evils of the internet (with me citing this and this) and my abilities to distinguish fact from opinion for a good 20 minutes before the lawyers left the room to discuss ways to kill me that would be easy to cover up. I felt pretty confident about my impending dismissal and even the remaining potential jurors commented in a congratulatory tone that I was definitely going home. I have to assume that the lawyers were out of peremptory challenges and were not creative enough to come up with a way to dismiss me with cause because they returned to inform me that I would be serving as an alternate juror. After eliciting a promise from me that if the judge instructed me not to look up information on the internet I would refrain from googling rather than be held in contempt (*gulp*) the defense lawyer jokingly asked how I would feel if people went out and googled me. I replied that I wouldn’t care since I knew exactly what the search results would be and that I could make things easier for him by giving him my blog url. I admit that this generous offer was made with personal gain in mind, I was hoping that both lawyers would read the blog and come to regret their decision to put me on the jury. If I was going to spend the next week tethered to the court house I didn’t want to be the only one wishing I was somewhere else.

Monday morning I reported back to the refrigerator of the Queens County jury waiting room and whittled away two hours of work (thank the god of irony for free wifi) while awaiting my turn in the jury box. Finally the bailiff arrived and lined myself and the other 7 unlucky jurors up to take us to the court house. It’s amazing how much jury duty resembles an elementary classroom trip to an assembly. After being led down a winding path through the court house library and up a back staircase that had clearly once been reserved for slaves, maids and hunchbacks we petulant eight were left to stew in a 10x10 room on the 6^th floor. Only a few minutes passed before the bailiff returned and summoned me to the court room. I steeled myself for what I assumed would be my promised lecture on the evils of Google.

The judge’s uniform combined with the courtroom setting proved extremely effective at keeping my big mouth shut – two smarmy lawyers in a room full of plastic chairs I can handle, but stand me in the old carved oak jury box in front of a robed and scowling black lady judge and I all but melt into a puddle of apologies. I was ready to turn yellow and swear off the internet at a single word but it turned out that I wouldn’t have to.

Big Scary Judge: Have you corrupted any of the other jury members with your views on jury duty?

Little Insignificant Brianna: No, I’ve been doing work all morning; I haven’t spoken with any of them.

BSJ: Ok, we’re going to dismiss you as a result of your views.

LIB: Thank you!

I cannot say definitively that this blog saved me from jury duty but I think it’s a pretty safe assumption. I don’t know exactly which of my views the Queens country court system found objectionable enough to give me the heave ho though there seemed to be some implication that the main problem was my general desire not to serve on a jury which ignores all of the evidence pointing to “getting out of jury duty” as American’s new favorite pastime. Personally, I suspect the main problem was my referring to the prosecutor as hip heavy.

In all seriousness (just kidding, I promise to continue my trivial ranting) I think it’s clear that when it comes to the internet the US justice system, much like newspapers and record companies, is caught somewhere between denial and full freak out so for the time being if you want off of a jury (or if you just like to mess with lawyers) blog about it.

Justice Brianna Style

Today I was supposed to go to Splish Splash with Amy and spend the day eating ice cream and getting sunburned, but instead I had jury duty. My first 3 hours of civic duty involved:

• 83 minutes of pedantic instruction on the difficulties of tearing along a perforated line and just how unlikely it was that I was ever going home (I believe the phrase, “Save it, I don’t care.” was used).
• 60 minutes of musing over exactly how many of my tax dollars are being wasted keeping the Queens Civil Courthouse a frosty 42 degrees in July (~$89/year).
• 17 minutes of admiring a guy outside tooling around on a solid gold bicycle with a red velvet seat, deciding he must be on trial for being the biggest pimp ever, hypothesizing that the cops were likely just jealous and considering becoming one of his hos.
• 30 minutes viewing a repeat of a pro jury duty film starring Ed Bradly and Diane Sawyer which I first saw in a California court house 4 years ago and which I believe is called, “Stop Your Whining Bitches.”

I probably should hold back a bit on the whining since Queens County had seen fit to provide me with free wireless internet access so I was able to use my laptop as a personal heating device while sending out emails begging for pity from friends and coworkers. In the following hour, while making laps around the large waiting room in an effort to keep the icicles at bay, I contemplated ways to ensure that I would not be making the one hour, three train trip back to Jamaica Queens.

I come from a long line of civic duty shirkers and hope one day to live up to my mother’s high standards. The one time mom made it into the questioning room it was in regards to a case involving a neighborly dispute over pets. When asked how she felt about pets mom said, “Well I’m a responsible pet owner myself but I have a neighbor whose dog repeatedly got into our horse pasture -- luckily the problem went away after I paid a visit to the neighbor and told him that the next time I saw his dog on my property I would shoot it in the head.” Unfortunately I’m nowhere near as good a bluffer as mommy. While filling out my jury questionnaire I noticed that they ask you to let the bailiff know if you’re a felon which got me thinking. What is the most minor felony that I could commit that would allow me to get out of jury duty for the rest of my life? Is there some service that could find an unobjectionable crime that I could take part in which would only result in a fine and no jail time? I would happily go down to Texas and buy a vibrator if that would get the job done. Apparently the punishment for just not showing when summoned to jury duty is $1000 or 30 days in jail so if I can find a felony with less of a punishment it would seem like a smart investment to just get with breaking the law. I walked across the room and took a cutting from one of the decorative plants in hopes that stealing government property was felonious enough for now.

Finally my name was called and my 19 new BFFs and I were lead (“single file, no pushing, there’s enough civil justice to go ‘round”) into a jury questioning room where the strangely hip heavy prosecutor explained that his client was suing over a car accident that took place years ago. At the time of the car crash he didn’t appear to have any injuries but he has since realized that he is scarred for life and would feel much better if he had a big fat check. It was at this point that I had what I really hoped was a brilliant idea and not an idea likely to get me held in contempt. As soon the questioning began I made with the very obvious note taking which I was hoping would have three parallel effects:

• Provide much fodder for late night blogging (see: NOW)
  
• Make me seem annoyingly interested and inquisitive
• Possibly result in being removed from the jury for being a VERY FAMOUS BLOGGER

It turns out that my tactics for getting dismissed from a jury are much more complex than those of the other 19 potential jurors I entered the room with. Every person that I witnessed being questioned had obviously gone with the “act too stupid to be on a jury” plan which resulted in questioning that went something like this:

Lawyer: Do you think people always tell the truth?

Potential Juror: <5 minute pause> ummmmm I don’t know...

Lawyer: Can you imagine a situation where someone might not tell the truth for any reason?

Potential Juror: uhh maybe… I don’t really understand the question...

The lawyers seemed so used to this that I almost felt bad for them until one said, “I don’t know what computer science is!” Shortly after this winning phrase was uttered he asked the juror if he, a Comp Sci student (aka some sort of techno whiz), would be tempted to go home at night and google words or phrases that he heard in the trial. I immediately thought, “Of course! How could he not? Is this illegal!??!” The prosecutor seemed intent on convincing us that when on a jury you’re pretty much not allowed to use the internet – if this is the case I am so going to jail if I end up on a jury. Yesterday I may have claimed not to be at all addicted to the internet but now that I have faced the possibility of being prohibited from accessing this sweet cake of knowledge frosted in naked women and sprinkled with the corn nuts of celebrity gossip I have no doubt that even one day on a jury could lead to serious withdrawal. I talked to a lawyer friend about this issue (see that lawyer guys? I have LAWYER FRIENDS – I’ve been corrupted with her knowledge I totally should not be allowed on a jury.) and she didn’t think it was really illegal but the judge could ask me not to do it which would obviously force me to agree to something that I am incapable of doing and could result in him tossing me in jail if I don’t learn to lie about my love affair with the magic tubes.

I was eventually called up to be questioned for the position of “alternate number 1” where I made sure to put on record all of the following

• “I’m an Atheist so I don’t believe in God”
• “I’m actually very interested in tort reform, especially in regards to limiting excessive payouts.”
• “My mom testifies in A LOT of medical cases, testifying is practically her favorite hobby after shooting dogs”

Unfortunately mid discussion of my love for Google and it’s sweet sweet knowledge a police officer knocked on the door and forbade us to continue as all government work must stop at 4:15pm. Which means that tomorrow I’ll be back for more frostbite and fun times– If I never update this blog again you’ll know I’m either out defending justice or rotting in jail.