Thursday, August 16, 2007

But Who Will Warn Me About the Apocalypse?

Weekly World News magazine claims to be discontinuing the print version of their magazine. Of course this could, like all other information offered by the tabloid, be a lie (though it seems to be corroborated all over the net). I bought a copy of the most recent issue whose cover boasts, “The Very Best of WWN” and promises, “Duck Hunters Shoot Angel,” “Osama Captured by Rednecks,” “Elvis is Alive” (duh.) and “Space Alien Skull found at Rosewell”. It also promised me details on the magazine’s future but the only information offered was the following tiny block of text which appears on page 31 just below an article entitled, “Bellybutton Ringtones Latest Sensation.”

A Notice from Weekly World News

While we had every intention of sending the winning “Alien Ambassador Essay” contestant off to the stars, the aliens have insisted that the staff of Weekly World News spearhead this historic mission! As a result, until further notice, the print edition of the paper with be shutting down. Details next week.

I was especially distraught to learn of this tragedy as I have long been a fan of the only news source devoted primarily to Hilary Clinton’s affair with an alien, the return of famous people via resurrection or haunting and the crazy antics of Bat Boy. One weekend early in my senior year of high school some of my friends and I decided to spend a Saturday at the school decorating our lockers (you know, with all the cool kids...). On the prescribed morning we each showed up with contact paper, scissors, glue sticks and piles of magazines. (Actually, I had a folder of magazine cut outs because I’m a good planner.) The other girls had the traditional teenage stash – a few cosmo’s, a couple of seventeens, etc. I had a year’s worth of headlines from Weekly World News. I remember running into my 9th grade English teacher while pasting up a headline about werewolves finally developing immunity to silver bullets. I explained to her that the magazine was hilarious and would be make for interesting locker chat all year (surprisingly, most of this chat went on at other lockers and was the "about you not to you" variety.). There wasn’t any obvious backing away slowly but her husband is a chiropractor and the whole family is Mormon so it’s possible she considered Weekly World News a reputable information source.

In honor of the (possible) death of the most creative magazine ever published I present, The 3 best things about the most recent, and likely second to last, issue of Weekly World News:

  1. The “Jesus’ Lost Words of Wisdom Found” article about secret biblical scrolls on page 4 is 5 paragraphs long yet the “Redneck Vampire Terrifies Alabama” storey spans 3 pages. Priorities.
  2. The photographs accompanying the “Princess Di is Alive!” piece make it clear that Di’s life is owed to a creative plastic surgeon who was able to reattach her head to the body of a young swimsuit model (may she rest in peace) using krazy glue and Photoshop
  3. According to the “Unusual Hang-up Lead to Internet Log-On” article on pages 36 and 37 we are all getting ripped off paying for internet access, “the combination of net stockings, the [clothes] line and the metal pulley created a rudimentary modem… as long as she left it there, she’d probably get free internet access.” (Please leave a comment if you’re reading this blog using such a device!).

No comments: