Tuesday, April 08, 2008

Best Case Scenarios

People are constantly asking me about my long term plans for the blog and even though I have, in the past, claimed that this is just a hobby I think we all know that blogs are a modern day get rich quick scheme. All bloggers seem to harbor some dream of blogging for a living or becoming a "real" writer or a highly paid panel guest and deep down, despite practical protests to the contrary, I'm no different. And so, while I know that this little dream is as laughable as your average pyramid scheme I present...

Ways My Blog Could Pay My Bills

Book Deal

While, like other less creative bloggers, I do occasionally dream of being given a regular writing job (on the side of course, god knows entry level writing gigs won't support my Richie tendencies) in reality I suspect I would suck an awful lot at writing as a career since I'm pretty sure that paying writing jobs require you to write about things that other people pick out and also that you deliver your writing on time and that it be of the requested length. My art cannot be contained in such a stifling box. I might have some hope of pulling off being a real writer if the job were along the lines of "go to a crazy event and document the insanity; here's some money to buy tickets and booze!" but it's probably more likely that I'd get assignments like "write something about life in New York" and then I'd sit in front on my screen in terror until 5 minutes before my deadline and then quickly try to write something nonsucky through the tears and then get fired. Not a pretty picture or a fantasy likely to result in purchasing my own cabana boy.

A much better option would be for someone with money and a publishing house to stumble upon this blog and think "Wow, this is some GREAT writing, I should give this girl a book deal!" only the book deal would not require ANY new writing -- all I'd have to do is pick out my favorite already written essays and hit "print" and then figure out if it is more comfortable to sleep on a mattress filled with $50 or $100 dollar bills (sure, you're thinking "of course $100s!" but the guilt of such extravagance might get to me.).

Big Ad Money

The other option for the blog bringing home the bacon wrapped foie gras is getting some sort of awesome advertising offers. Greedy folks with no eye for a 5 year plan often ask me why I don't have Google Ads on my site and the answer is because I am not a cheap whore. I am an expensive, sleeping with sketchy famous dudes, apt to cause political scandal whore. Not putting up Google Ads allows me to maintain the illusion that I'm doing this for THE ART. As we all know art is super pricey so when a big company approaches me to cover the entire blog background with some really ugly animated gifs likely promoting tampons or porn or a movie staring Eddie Murphy as Eddie Murphy if he were reborn as an 85 year old woman with 700lbs of extra flesh I will be in a prime position to act offended and concerned about my image thus forcing OB or Joe Francis or Miramax to offer me big bucks for compromising my artistic integrity. Warm up the swimming pool full of liquid gold cause mama's ready to be plated!


amy said...

if only i could live off blog alone.

Elizabeth said...

This is hysterical. I think you have captured the secret aspiration of all bloggers. When you find that company that wants you to compromise your art in exchange for millions, send 'em my way too please.

pistols at dawn said...

What I find fascinating is how much time people will put into writing, and how they spend more time refusing to edit than actually editing.