Thursday, May 17, 2007

Browsing for Boys

I am not a huge fan of dating, though I've heard that other people love it to death. Ironically most of these other people seem to be married already and, I suspect, are just suffering from the all too common "grass is always greener" syndrome. I suppose it's also possible that they are married because they were so amazingly awesome at dating and they miss dating in the same way I miss my 7th grade algebra class; it's hard to never again get to do something that you kicked ass at. Anyway, dating bad. I am however a huge fan of shopping. This is probably the main reason why I sort of love online dating sites. Much as I can picture myself in that cute red polka dotted dress over at J Crew (note to J Crew execs who obviously read my blog: cut that shit down, no one is paying $200 for that dress no matter how cute) I can picture myself with so many cute boys and there's none of the pressure of worrying if they like me. Of course I am hoping to stumble on the boy equivalent of a $20 sundress (in a nice bright springy color with a full skirt and cap sleeves so I could wear it to work) but mostly I browse. Unfortunately the online dating reality is much like a trip to the Forever 21 sale rack; not only are most of the offerings not so cute but they often leave me wondering just what the designer was thinking.

It's possible that I am way to generous with giving people the benefit of the doubt but I think many of the glaring mistakes I see in these ads are well intentioned. Either way, I'd like to highlight a couple of online dating no-nos that single (or, sadly, too often, not so single) boys should take to heart. Consider this my good deed of the week.

Things Not To Do If You Are Hoping to Land some Hot Internet Girl Booty

1. Do not send me a form letter. I know you think that your message is subtle enough to not be flagged as a form letter but you are wrong. If you can't write something that makes it clear that you are writing to me and not to [insert name of breast baring human here] I will classify your message as dating spam and I will refuse to reply to it no matter how awesome you might otherwise seem. Here's an example that I recently received:
I'm lawrence, i saw your picture on this dating site and had gone through your profile, i found you interesting. You have a nice picture and your beutifull face has taken a piece of my heart. I can't wait to meet with you and chat with you so sa to know one another better. I would like you to reply to my personal mail address which is
Hope to hear from you soon.

Dude. It should be noted that I got a duplicate letter 2 days later, the only difference was that he introduced himself as Matthew. Lawrence/Matthew, (I expect you are actually Matthew since that name appears in your email address which I have been kind enough not to include on my blog) this is not a good way to try to woo women. I have not taken a piece of your heart (and even if I had that is the kind of saccharine line that you should keep to yourself), I know girls in romantic comedies love lines like this but I suspect that no real life women (even real life women who are not as cynical as I) will react to this statement with anything other than eye rolling (even if the woman you said it to was actually someone you knew). As a left brained dork who is overly obsessed with efficiency I appreciate your attempts at fast tracking the online dating process with mass mailings, I myself have often considered just handing out "you're cute, call me!" cards while on the subway, but a huge part of asking a girl out is making her feel special, this just makes me feel like one step above a blow up doll on the girl hierarchy.

2. Do not advertise your sexual prowess. I was recently reading the profile of a very cute blond boy and thinking "oh, very cute! smart! likes documentaries! witty! yeah!" until I got to the "Things I'm really good at" section.
using big words in elaborate sentences... cooking fatty gourmet southern food... eating pussy...
Cute! Yum! SKEEVY! I mean obviously this is a skill that I am all for but when you just put it out there all casual like that I do not think "awesome, I gotta score me some of that!" I do think "Ew." and maybe even "those who can't do talk about it." Unfortunately, this is not an isolated incident; internet boys seems to be constantly highlighting how much they L-O-V-E cunnilingus (look forward to seeing that sentence on a future segment of "how people find my blog") . I think this may be the result of a disconnect between male and female brains. Men are probably out there browsing profiles thinking "She likes Modest Mouse! She loves the citrus oil smell that you get when you first start peeling an orange! How cute! Hey, I photograph all of my meals too!!!!... man, I wish she'd have included something about her blow job abilities, I don't feel comfortable writing to someone until that information is on the table. Next."