As a child my family used to occasionally take trips to
The worst part of the heat is trying to sleep through it. I have one air conditioner in my apartment and it’s located in the living room so that a certain Mr. Grump-n-stuff can enjoy not dying. This means that when temperatures rise about 80 degrees I have to choose between sleeping on my couch where it’s nice and cool but I can’t quite get comfortable or on my bed where I can lie spread eagle in front of the fan and whine all night about the heat. I could also buy another air conditioner but they weigh 8 million pounds and I don’t have a car and I can’t carry it by myself and when I start planning out the process for actually procuring a second air conditioner I quickly say fuck it and commence with the back up plan of eating another popsicle. So I have been forced into being creative and have experimented with a variety of methods for staying cool at night:
Reasons for Failure: mist dries too fast, fear that I’m making the humidity worse, process is too manual, concern regarding growing mold in my mattress.
Method 2: Hold frozen bottle of water in hand
Reason for Failure: Hand sucking up all of the coolness, rest of body still overheated and considering revolt against selfish hand, ice melts too fast
Method 3: Rest frozen bottle on belly
Reason for Failure: Belly is an oversensitive nancyboy who can’t handle the awesomeness of the frozen bottle, ice melts too fast
Method 4: Rest frozen bottle on panties just over hips
Reason for Failure: As I doze off my hips move and then the bottle rolls onto Mr Wimpy (aka my belly) which results in general body freak out, ice melts too fast
The only thing significantly worse than the heat is the corresponding arctic chill that has descended on the NYC subway system. I was recently on a subway train covered in Con Edison ads describing ways to save energy I read these while shivering on a 50 degree train on a 90 degree day. Oh irony, you’re such a cad.*Next time on RAB: How 'bout them Mets?