Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Be the Bitch. The Skinny Bitch.

Lately I’ve been trying to lose the 10lbs that I’ve been trying to lose (sort of....) for 3 years. This time I’m seriously trying to lose them. I downloaded an iPhone app to record my food intake (Lose It!). I have gotten a little OCD about the number of calories in grapes. I have started to feel a little give in the waist of my sexy jeans. My dieting mojo is back! I’m even joking about writing a diet book, selling it to a publisher and getting rich. To that end I’ve decided to write up a few of my unique diet tips! If you’re looking to lose a few pounds and you’re brain is broken in the same way as mine please feel free to take my advice. If you’re a book publisher with an advance check signed and ready to go please, call me. If you’re a skinny girl with no need for diet tips, fuck you.

Be the Bitch. The Skinny Bitch.

I’m normally an advocate for humbleness and benefit of the doubt. A fan of putting myself in someone else’s shoes. An annoying devil’s advocate. But when it comes to dieting I embrace my sanctimonious, self-righteous, inner mean girl. Sometimes it’s the only way to keep cookies from my lips (and subsequently,as the cliche goes, my hips).

Next time you want to gobble up a Big Mac/pint of coffee ice cream/stick of butter look around and find yourself a fat person (I last did this in the Detroit airport where it is shockingly easy). Now, start being a horrible person in your head. Think about how much that person must eat. How much they must weigh. How many pieces of fried chicken it must take to get that big. Think about their lack of will power. Think about the heart attack they will have at 45. Think about how hard it must be to find size 22 jeans in anything other than acid wash (with pleats, natch).

Your nice-girl reflexes may buckle at this torrid stream of meanness but you must punch that nice girl in her chunky stomach, and while she’s on the floor trying to catch her breath, persevere in your quest to (secretly, just in your head) be a total bitch.

Think about how much better you are than old Fatty Flab over there. How many times you take apple slices over cake slices. How many times you forgo butter on your toast. How often you sit hungry at your desk at 3pm wishing and hoping that a Take 5 bar might land in your lap but resisting the walk to the corner store. Your willpower is amazing! On vacation in Europe no one can use the size of your ass to guess your nationality. You are thin. You are powerful. You will have a green salad and a side of a nice broth-based soup for lunch, thank you very much.

There will be plenty of time later to feel guilty. To remind yourself that you are no better than most other people. That life isn’t fair and that some folks have really good reasons for saying,“fuck it” to healthy choices (because sometimes a cookie is the only comfort we have). There will be plenty of time to reform yourself for entertaining selfish thoughts, to remember that this was all an exercise in fiction to meet the goal of being 10lbs lighter. For today, be the bitch.


Anonymous said...

I hate to tell you, but your cruelty has been for naught; offering diet advice as a Skinny Bitch is more likely to land you a lawsuit than a book deal:

Best wishes in developing a healthier relationship with food and with your fellow human beings.

Anonymous said...

Since "skinny bitch" has been taken, might I suggest "compassionless bitch"? It seems to ring true with your advice.

Anonymous said...

Please educate yourself.

Anonymous said...

Also this:

Anonymous said...

There sure are some angry yet anonymous fat people who like to comment on this post...that's valuable time that could be spent at the gym or going for a job, fatties

Anonymous said...

damn I meant "jog", not "job" in my previous comment...I guess I really "fat-fingered" that one

Alia G said...

Dear Anonymous,

I am angry because you (appear to) think that it is funny to denigrate someone by calling them a "fatty"...

But what with this being the internet, all I can honestly say is "appear"... I don't have any idea who or what you are. Because you are anonymous.

Because *they* are anonymous, you have no idea if the other posters are black or white, fat or thin, gainfully employed or not. But because they are angry at this post, you feel comfortable making all sorts of assumptions.

And because Brianna posted such an angry, hate-word filled blog, she created a space where people feel comfortable saying nasty things. And now they are. I'm sad about that.

Dear anonymous angry person who thinks it is appropriate to use "fatty" as an insult. Do you also think that it is appropriate to call someone a nigger? Or a Jew-lover?

For the internet record, I am fat. I value my time, but I also value my friends and education. Brianna has been a friend, and if we are to continue in that same friendly way, I can't sit quietly.

For the record, anonymous person who is comfortable calling anonymous people "fatties", why did you think that comment was a good idea?

I'm here because I don't want to lose Brianna. What have *you* got to lose?